Did you know that “mom brain” can last anywhere from a few weeks to two years after a child is born?
Now that a year has passed, this fog is finally starting to clear for me. I’m feeling like myself again, separate from being a parent. I can focus on reading books again, I’m writing again (as you can see), I’m getting better at keeping up with housework, and I’m reinventing my wardrobe to fit my new hips.
But one thing I didn’t expect was to actually feel more anxious now.
But one thing I didn’t expect was to actually feel more anxious now.
For the last year, I’ve had the very real, very situational stress that comes from trying to keep a tiny helpless human alive. It was all-consuming. Now, though, as I’m able to think about things besides my baby 24/7, my clinical anxiety feels like it’s returned.
I thought the opposite would happen – that I would have less anxiety once I got used to my new normal. So, imagine my surprise when my “old friend,” generalized anxiety and panic disorder, reemerged.
Why did this happen? And is it normal?
Studies on maternal brain changes show that the brain prioritizes survival and caregiving for the first year of a child’s life, making other non-essential cognitive functions less urgent. With the very real worries that came from my baby’s first-year – like constantly checking if he was breathing while sleeping or wondering what each cry meant – my brain didn't have the bandwidth to keep up with my generalized anxiety symptoms too.
When the brain is under intense, sustained acute stress, it dumps cortisol and adrenaline to prioritize immediate survival. This hyper-focus on this immediate threat can temporarily suppress anxiety symptoms, which often thrive in moments of boredom or low-stakes worry. So, once this is over, the “let-down effect” or “post-stress syndrome” often occurs, causing the body and mind to crash.
This pattern is common across many mental health conditions. For example, hyper-focus or distraction can also temporarily provide relief from OCD symptoms and lessen obsessive thoughts in bipolar disorder, according to NOCD, a leading provider of OCD treatment. But, when the thought returns, the discomfort can be even greater.
For me, I’ve found myself randomly revisiting arguments I’ve had with my husband months ago, or something somebody said that made me mad, or an embarrassing thing I did early in my son’s life – things that didn’t fully sink in as they were happening because I was preoccupied. And I know people are probably thinking, “Umm…why are you thinking about this 8, 9, 10 or 11 months later?!” It’s because I failed to mentally address it as it was happening.
So, what can I do now?
It can be frustrating when I’ve spent over a decade perfecting my self-care routine to have to start over – while also learning how to do it while taking care of a child. But it’s important that I rebuild my mental health routines after this long break.
I’ve met with my psychiatrist to re-prescribe the medications I couldn’t take while pregnant and breastfeeding. And, while taking my medications had become second nature to me throughout the years, now I have to reset the notifications on my phone, reminding me to take them.
This has been my first step.
Next, I have to cope with the backlog of arguments and embarrassments I put into my "mental parking lot" that are popping up now. These delayed memories and feelings won’t dissipate until I give them a moment of attention.
For me, this started with making an appointment to see a marriage counselor to work on the stuff my husband and I have put on the backburner for the last year – and figure out how to make time for “us” again.
It’s also meant texting friends to apologize for whatever has been bothering me – although their typical response is, “Well, duh, you’ve been busy taking care of a baby! Don’t worry about it!” I try to remind myself that, while a problem may have ruminated in my head for months, for everyone else, time has moved on, and they probably don’t even remember.
I’ve been trying to get back into activities that are just for me, too, while rediscovering my identity separate from being a mom. As you can see, that’s meant trying to write in my blog more often. It’s meant getting a pedicure, or going to a coffee shop, or taking a lap around the mall during my lunch break at work. It’s also meant putting my husband on baby duty so I can get a cocktail or two with a friend I hadn’t seen in months.
I still try and find time for self-care activities as well, like my bubble baths – albeit sometimes setting up a bouncer in the bathroom for my son, or waiting until he’s fallen asleep for the night. We’ve also set up a playpen in the living room so my son can play independently while I read a book on the couch or practice stretching exercises or meditation (Full disclosure: I’ve been slacking on the latter).
If you, like me, are dealing with the return of mental illness symptoms after having a baby – or another all-consuming life event – please be gentle with yourself. Now that the acute crisis is over, your brain finally has the space to tell you what it needs. So, take some time to listen to it.
Remember that professional help is available 24/7. Call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline anytime, or talk to your primary care physician, who can treat mental health conditions or refer you to a psychiatrist or therapist for additional help.
Did you know that “mom brain” can last anywhere from a few weeks to two years after a child is born? Now that a year has passed, this fog i...
