Meant to Live

Does anyone have a moment from their adolescence – either big or small – that they just can’t get over.

There are a few moments that still, 20+ years later, I can’t get over. Like my first dance in sixth grade, where a boy asked me to be his date as a joke. And at the following snowball dance, when I was the last to be picked.

Fast forward to high school, when it was a common occurrence for a boy to like one of my friends. And when he was either outright denied or they broke up, he would immediately go after another friend – and on and on down the line of our friend group.

This happened not once, not twice, but MULTIPLE times.

Then, with my first-ever boyfriend, I found out he called one of our friends to say he loved her and would rather be with her than me. She said, “No.” So, he stayed with me.

On to my early 20s. My friends and I would meet a guy at bar, and he’d ask to follow us on social media. Then he would proceed to message BOTH OF US, asking us to go out with him or sleep with him. Sometimes with the exact same words – just copied and pasted. (PSA: Don't do this, we will tell each other)

These instances screwed up my self-perception. They led to years of seeking external validation instead of finding it in myself. And honestly, most of the dumb mistakes I made in my 20s can probably be attributed to this – just wanting to feel seen and wanted.

It all stems from what I now realize was "Second Choice Syndrome."

That's probably why I always had a soft spot for the "other guy" in movies — like Lon in "The Notebook" or Jacob in "Twilight." While these movies are supposed to be romantic, they always left me feeling heartbroken for the "second choice" — the guy who was "good enough" until the protoganist's first choice came back.

For me, "Second Choice Syndrome" manifested in me being suspicious of anyone who ever showed any interest in me. It made me constantly paranoid about the other shoe dropping whenever anything good happened. And it turned me into someone who never said "No" or made waves because I was scared if I did, people wouldn't like me.

I’m not sure if this is an actual condition, or if I made it up. But suffering from low self-esteem – well, that is very real. And countless women and men struggle with it. Maybe it stems from a moment – or several moments – in your life when someone made you feel less than. And, no matter how long ago it happened, it shaped who you are today.

For me, even after getting married, I still see myself as the second, third, fourth or fifth choice. Whenever I look in the mirror, I still tell myself, “The only reason someone would be with you is because the one they really wanted said, ‘No.’”

I know there are many people who’ve had so much worse happen to them in these formative years than me. But no matter the trauma, it’s okay if you haven’t “gotten over it” yet. And it’s okay if you never really do.

When we’re in our formative years – on the journey of figuring out who we want to be – moments like these are like potholes leaving permanent marks on our still developing brains (I’m from Michigan, so I can make that analogy).

But I want you to remember this. Just because someone made you feel “less than,” that doesn’t mean it’s true. Even if you never truly get over it, that doesn’t mean you have to believe it (and I know, I need to practice what I preach). The way someone else treated you is a reflection of their character, not your worth or what you deserve.

You deserve to be the first choice. And if you’re not? Walk away. Don't let someone’s inability to see your value make you lose sight of it yourself.

Is ‘Second Choice Syndrome’ real? How early rejection shaped my self perception

Does anyone have a moment from their adolescence – either big or small – that they just can’t get over. There are a few moments that still,...

Have you ever stayed at a job that poorly affected your mental health because you didn't want to let people down?

Have you ever stayed in a relationship that brought out the worst in you because you didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings?

Have you ever made too many plans – running yourself ragged – just because you didn't want to tell anyone, "No?"

I can answer, "Yes," to all three. That's because I have a compulsive fear of letting anyone down.

But, this week, singer Colter Wall did something that inspired me.

I was supposed to go to his show at the Fox Theatre this weekend with my husband. And I was really excited about it. If you know me, you know I'm not a big country music fan, so it says a lot that I was excited about this concert, even buying my first pair of cowboy boots for the occasion.

Colter is one of the only current country artists I like, reminiscent of classic country, like Johnny Cash. But, on Wednesday morning, only three days before the show we'd been looking forward to since Christmas, I opened Instagram and my stomach sank.

Colter had posted: "I am mentally unwell. Despite this, I have pushed myself to continue with touring. As a result, my mental health has only further declined. After discussions with my team, we have decided to cancel the remaining shows and take an indefinite hiatus from live music."

Yes, I was disappointed, especially since my husband and I missed the last two concerts we were supposed to go to – one because I had just given birth (a pretty good excuse) and the other because the power went out at the stadium.

But then I realized how selfish I was being.

When I took a step back, Colter's actions actually put things into perspective for me. He said, "No," to all his remaining tour dates, effectively disappointing THOUSANDS of people – all so he could take care of his own mental health.

Yet, for me, I'm afraid of disappointing only one or two people. It made me realize my stakes are much smaller than his. If Colter can prioritize his mental health over thousands, then I can prioritize my mental health over disappointing a couple people. His actions gave me the permission I needed to let myself off the hook.

Afterall, fans will get over a cancelled show. And friends will get over you saying, "No," to a party. And a significant other will even get over you ending a relationship that isn't good for you. But it won't be as easy for you to get over the toll it takes on your mind and body when you constantly put your own needs last.

This is the only life we get, and you're the only one who can prioritize your wellbeing. No one else will do it for you. So, remind yourself that temporarily letting others down will always be worth your long-term health and happiness.

If Colter Wall can cancel a tour for his mental health, you can cancel your plans

Have you ever stayed at a job that poorly affected your mental health because you didn't want to let people down? Have you ever stayed ...

If I’m being honest, I’ve really been struggling with my mental health this month. Even the most minor inconveniences will leave me spiraling.

Monday morning, I spilled coffee all over my brand-new daily planner. And my reaction was to immediately think how worthless I am and how all I ever do is make mistakes.

All of this over a $10 planner. Probably an overreaction. Yet this is what my entire month has been like.

Anything from spelling a word wrong in an email to misplacing something in our house to having to cancel plans – I will immediately start thinking, “You’re going to get fired. Your husband is going to leave you. Your friends are annoyed with you. Everyone would be better off without you.”

To say it’s been exhausting would be an understatement.

And it made me think – why now? I didn’t feel like this last month. It’s as if the second the clock struck midnight on a new year, my mental health took a nosedive.

But that’s just it, isn’t it? There’s a reason why January is considered the most depressing month of the year and the “Monday of months.” It’s a real phenomenon, and it doesn’t just affect me.

The thing is, though, I wasn’t expecting it to hit me this hard – especially on the heels of the best holiday I’ve had in a long time. I’ve never really been much of a Christmas-girl after my uncle, who was born on Christmas Day, died when I was a kid – and my grandma shortly after – taking our big family Christmas/birthday party with them.

The magic of Christmas seemed to die along with them. But this year, seeing Christmas through my 1-year-old son’s eyes, it was the first time the magic of Christmas felt like it returned for me.

But, with how good Christmas felt, January smacked me in the face that much harder with the worst winter depression I’ve had in a long time.

Maybe it’s because of how happy I was, though, that I crashed so hard when I returned to the daily grind. It doesn’t help that this January is also the coldest it’s been in Michigan since the Polar Vortex of 2019.

When it’s painfully cold outside, we retreat indoors, move our bodies less, and isolate ourselves from friends because leaving the house feels like more work than it’s worth. On Monday, for instance, I hadn’t left the house at all since Friday – not even opening the front door. So, it makes sense that, when Monday rolled around, I was running on empty and couldn’t even handle spilled coffee.

This self-imposed isolation can exacerbate the symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder, which already peaks in January as it is. The lack of sunlight decreases serotonin (a mood-regulating neurotransmitter) and increases melatonin (a hormone associated with sleepiness), triggering symptoms like sadness, fatigue, and lethargy. Prolonged, isolated time indoors can also cause feelings of being "trapped" or losing interest in activities.

And these feelings only hit harder when they follow a “high.” According to Psychology Today, this is called the Contrast Effect – which not only comes from comparing your life to others, but also from comparing your life now to what it used to be. It’s not just that January is bad; it’s that December was finally good again, so the drop-off felt like emotional whiplash.

So, what can you do about it?

Leave the house

For me, after spending Monday intermittently working and crying on my breaks, I told my husband I HAD to get out of the house when 5 p.m. rolled around. So, we decided to have a little date night (with our 1-year-old third wheel, of course) at a nearby Irish pub. And, getting dressed, putting on make-up, and going out – I felt like a whole new person.

It’s essential, even if it’s just walking to the mailbox, to leave the house for a little bit every day. If it’s too cold outside, you can also go to the gym, and, if you work from home, maybe work from a coffee shop or library instead to change up your scenery.

Lower your expectations

People say “New Year, New Me” as if you’re supposed to hit the ground running in January, achieving all the goals you’ve set. But, if I’m being honest, maybe the only goal you should have for the month is surviving! January is messy – and it’s okay if you are too! Show yourself some grace.

Get some sunlight

If you are at home, make sure you’re sitting by a window to get some sunlight. And, if you can’t do that, you can also buy the “fake” stuff. Light therapy boxes can be an effective way to treat Seasonal Affective Disorder. With light therapy, you sit in front of a special light box, which mimics natural outdoor light, the first hour of waking each day. The light box should provide an exposure of 10,000 lux and emit as little UV light as possible.

Find the magic again

Just because the holidays are over, that doesn’t mean you have to live a magic-less existence. Find some ways to put the magic back into your everyday life.

Maybe it’s keeping fairy lights strung around your window, instead of taking all the Christmas lights down. Maybe it’s taking on a project to paint a white wall a bright color. Maybe it’s planning a getaway so you have something to look forward to. Maybe it’s turning on some happy music and taking a dance break in the kitchen. Or maybe it’s calling a friend you haven’t seen in a while and asking to catch up. There are a lot of ways to turn your stuck-indoors winter into something better and brighter.

Practice positive self-talk

It’s important that you stop being so unkind to yourself. I’ve definitely been having that problem myself, so I know it’s easier said than done. When I’m feeling depressed, the words, “You’re worthless” and “Nobody actually cares about you,” will pop into my head as if they are coming from someone else, and I have no control over them.

But you need to fight back against these thoughts. The trick that helps me is asking, "Would I say this to my best friend? Would I say this to my son?" If my friend spilled coffee on her planner, I wouldn’t tell her she’s worthless. I’d tell her it’s just paper. If you wouldn’t say it to someone you love, don't say it to yourself. You deserve the same kindness you give to everyone else.

Remind yourself that this feeling won’t last

You’re not going to feel this way forever, and it helps to remind yourself that this is only temporary. It is called Seasonal Affective Disorder for a reason. Seasons change, and the days are already starting to get longer. The temperatures will rise, the snow will melt, and your mental fog will lift.

And, as January comes to a close, I’m wishing a better February for all of you! Hang in there; the sun is coming back!

As for me, I’m going to keep using my coffee-stained planner. It’s a little messy now, and it’s definitely not perfect anymore, but it still does the job – just like me.

Why this January may be hitting you harder than usual

If I’m being honest, I’ve really been struggling with my mental health this month. Even the most minor inconveniences will leave me spiralin...

On New Year’s Day, I hosted a “Stranger Things” finale watch party with a couple friends. My husband even made a special dessert – pineapple upside down cake – for the occasion.

The ending was actually pretty happy, with no blood bath like I was expecting. But, still, after everyone left and went home, I started sobbing.

When my husband saw me with tears streaked down my face, he asked, “What’s wrong?! What happened?!” Between sobs, I answered, “I…don’t…know!!” But, honestly, even though it may seem stupid, I realize now that I was crying because one of my favorite TV shows was over.

I know I’m not alone in this, which is comforting. Scrolling through social media, I’ve seen plenty of similar sentiments, such as fans posting videos of themselves crying to songs featured in the finale, like “Purple Rain” and “Landslide.” Others coped by thinking the finale was a fake-out, and that they’d have one more episode – a “real” finale coming out on Jan. 7. I was hoping right there along with you but, of course, now we know it didn’t happen.

I remember feeling similarly when shows like “Supernatural” and “Schitt’s Creek” ended. And I think it’s because, no matter how you felt about the finale, you got attached to the characters. So, emotionally, it doesn’t just feel like the end of a series. It feels like you lost a friend.

According to findings from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, bonding with story characters can help relieve attachment insecurity. Characters can provide a safe, predictable source of connection and offer a relatable escape from real-world stressors. It’s a one-way relationship where you never have to worry about awkward silences or judgment.

I also think this finale hit fans even harder because it marked the end of the holidays. We’re in the most depressing month of the year dealing with post-holiday letdown, bills, and/or seasonal affective disorder. We’re going back to work and getting back to the daily grind without anything else to look forward to. So, we’re collectively fixating on this.

So, what can you do now? How can you cope?

Let yourself grieve.

I think one of the reasons I felt so sad about the end of “Stranger Things” was because it also marked the end of an era in my own life. Nine years is a long time, and a lot happened to me in those years.

I met my now-husband the year the first season of “Stranger Things” came out. And, in that time, I moved three times, got engaged, got married, and had a baby.

For others, they literally grew up beside these characters and actors. Of course, it can feel sad when something has marked that much time in your life and now it’s over. Let yourself grieve and know this feeling is normal. It’s not stupid.

Put down your phone.

Stop with the endless doom scrolling. It’s not helping! For me, I admittedly went down the rabbit hole – spending hours researching theories about why “Stranger Things” wasn’t actually over – which only made me feel like I was going more crazy!

If you’re mourning the end of a TV show, it can be helpful to find like minded people on Instagram who are mourning alongside you. But it can also make you feel worse – like stalking an ex’s social media after a breakup.

Sometimes you just need to get your mind off it and do something else! Take a deep breath, leave your phone in another room, and take some time for yourself – maybe taking a warm bath, reading a book, exercising, or just eating dinner and actually focusing on the meal without scrolling at the same time.

Reflect on the ‘good times.’

If there really was a “secret episode” and the finale wasn’t real, then all bets would have been off. Chances are one of your favorite characters would have died. But for me, despite the flaws, I am content that, for the most part, all our characters got their happy endings in season 5.

As a former nerd growing up with the trifecta – braces, glasses AND acne – this show healed part of my inner child. It showed me that being a nerd is okay – even cool.

If any of the core friend group did die, it would have hit differently. So, I am thankful to this show for being a love letter to all the outcasts out there.

That’s something to appreciate. And, while you may feel like you lost your friends, the good thing about streaming services is that you can go back and visit them whenever you want.

Find something else to look forward to.

Maybe it’s planning a little getaway. For my husband and I, we’re planning a trip to Florida next month to escape the cold weather and visit my snowbird in-laws.

Or it could be something as simple as finding something else to watch. For ideas of movies and TV shows to check out now that “Stranger Things” is over, including HBO’s “Welcome to Derry,” Netflix’s “Fear Street,” and Amazon Prime’s “Paper Girls,” read this roundup by ScreenCrush.

Focus on your underlying mental health.

It’s cold, wet and dark outside. Could that be one of the reasons why you’re feeling depressed – not just because “Stranger Things” is over? Take a step back and evaluate your own mental health.

You could have seasonal affective disorder – a type of depression linked to seasonal changes.

Common symptoms of SAD include low mood, fatigue, increased sleep/appetite (especially for carbs), loss of interest, difficulty concentrating, and feelings of hopelessness. Treatments involve light therapy, psychotherapy (CBT), antidepressants, and lifestyle changes like increased light exposure and exercise.

If you’re struggling with your mental health, talk to your primary care physician, who can treat behavioral health conditions or refer you to a psychiatrist or therapist for additional help. You can also visit Psychology Today and click "Find a therapist" to find someone located within your zip code.

Why do we feel depressed after the end of a favorite series, like ‘Stranger Things’

On New Year’s Day, I hosted a “Stranger Things” finale watch party with a couple friends. My husband even made a special dessert – pineapp...

I cried when the character Rich died in the HBO show “Welcome to Derry.” And I cried when Eddie died in the movie “It Chapter Two.” And I know plenty of people saying they’ll be “traumatized” if their fan-favorite Steve dies in the “Stranger Things” finale.

But do we think as much about the real-life people behind the characters? Do we cry for them?

Earlier this month, actor James Ransone – who played Eddie in “It” – lost his life to suicide at age 46. He left behind his wife, 6-year-old son and 4-year-old daughter. This breaks my heart more than any fictional death could. Because the character Eddie Kaspbrak isn't real. But James was.

In the horror community, we often use fear and humor to cope. With James making us laugh as Eddie or being charming in interviews, you may have assumed he was okay. But just because someone seems happy on the outside, that doesn't mean they’re not hurting on the inside.

Andy Muschietti, the director behind the “It” franchise, has commented on how many characters in the Stephen King universe struggle with anxiety and how they “cope with it by being funny.” That’s how people remember James too. His friend Camille Garmendia, who organized a GoFundMe to support his family, described him as “funny, magnetic, brilliant, and endlessly alive.”

But, behind it all, James struggled with his fair share of real-life monsters. He shared that he was sexually abused by his former tutor as a child, which led to an alcohol and heroin addiction in his 20s and multiple suicide attempts, according to Fox News.

In an Instagram post, he wrote, “I saw myself as a worthless hunk of flesh not worth saving, or defending. I saw myself as broken, that what you did to me I somehow deserved … that somehow this was my fault."

Of course, he didn’t deserve it. No victim of abuse ever does. And it's devastating to know that James spent most of his life carrying around misplaced guilt that should have, instead, belonged to his abuser.

Masking trauma like this with humor is a common coping mechanism. While I don’t know what it was like for James, for many, the use of humor is a way to keep people at a comfortable distance — laughing with us instead of worrying about us. For me, I crack jokes to avoid feeling like a burden to anyone. I want to be the “fun friend” and the “friend people enjoy being around” so people don’t leave me.

But, while finding lightness in dark times can help you adapt to life's challenges, it can also get exhausting to put on a happy face all the time. That’s why it’s important to find a safe space where you don’t need to perform — whether that’s a therapist’s office, a support group, or a trusted friend. It means giving yourself permission to grieve the pain instead of just joking about it.

So, make sure to check in on your funny friends. Don’t just think, “Oh, they look happy, so they must be.” You never know what they’re dealing with behind closed doors. While they’re busy making other people laugh, sometimes what they really need is someone to ask, “How are you doing?”

And if you are the one struggling with past trauma or depression, please know it’s not your fault, and you are not alone. More than 80% of women and 40% of men report experiencing some form of sexual harassment and/or assault in their lifetime, according to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center.

If you are a survivor of violence, disaster or another traumatic experience, click here for resources from the NSVRC. For Michigan residents, click here for support groups across the state. And, if you or someone you know is considering suicide, please don’t hesitate – call or text the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

Actor James Ransone fought monsters that were scarier than Pennywise

I cried when the character Rich died in the HBO show “Welcome to Derry.” And I cried when Eddie died in the movie “It Chapter Two.” And I ...

Why is it that, no matter how many compliments we may receive, it's the criticisms that always stick with us most?

For me, I've always struggled with my self-confidence. The only thing I'm not self-conscious about is my writing. So, a couple weeks ago, when a lady criticized my writing, it really stung.

Meeting her, I thought we really clicked, and I spent hours writing a press release for her. I was excited to work with her, but her response was that she didn't like it and "shouldn't have to pay for it."

Yes, I may have cried.

I've always been self conscious about my looks. And yes, sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I still think about the guy who 15+ years ago said I had an "ugly nose." But someone criticizing my craft — something I've always prided myself on — hurt more than I thought it would.

Since then, I've second guessed every word I've written. And since, ya know, writing is my job, it's been hard.

So I've really empathized with someone else who was unjustly criticized for his craft recently. On a podcast earlier this month, movie director Quentin Tarantino said he didn't care for actor Matthew Lillard. In the interview, Tarantino also dissed actor Paul Dano, calling him "the weakest male actor in SAG (Screen Actors Guild)."

These comments were unnecessary and untrue, and Lillard was honest and vulnerable about it —talking about how much it did hurt.

Over the weekend, at GalaxyCon in Columbus, Ohio, Lillard told the audience, "Quentin Tarantino this week said he didn’t like me as an actor. ... The point is that it hurts your feelings. It f***ing sucks."

The internet has rallied around Lillard. Actor Devon Sawa, Lillard's co-star in SLC Punk, called him a "powerhouse" and said, "He's still one of the best actors I've been on set with." And filmmaker Mike Flanagan called him an "amazing actor, collaborator and friend."

I hope these compliments have touched Lillard, but like I said, I know that, even if 100 people praise you, it's that one dig that makes a lasting impact.

Psychologists call it the "negativity bias." Our brains are hardwired to give more weight and lasting impact to negative experiences than to positive ones. According to Positive Recovery Centers, this has a detrimental effect on our mental health — distorting our self-perception over time and leaving us feeling constantly inadequate, even when we’re doing well.

So, how can you overcome this?

For one, surround yourself with positive people who make you feel good about yourself. I've spent my 30s cutting out the people in my life who build themselves up by tearing others down.

Another way to combat negativity bias is by practicing gratitude. Take time each day to think about what you're thankful for, and write down the good things that happened. For me, over the weekend, a stranger randomly told me I seemed like a "cool mom." I've tried to savor this interaction, replaying it whenever an insult tries to creep into my brain.

Lillard's situation also put things into perspective. It serves as an important reminder: Some people are just cruel. For no reason. And some people won't like you. For no reason. And it's not your fault, and it says nothing of your character. Instead, it says everything of theirs.

As film critic Cassandra Hager tweeted, "Live your life in such a way that if Quentin Tarantino talks sh** about you, the whole world rushes to your defense."

In the end, that's what really matters. Instead of obsessing over what one miserable person says, focus on the people who have your back. Keep being the loyal, reliable, and kind person you want your friends and colleagues to remember, and forget the naysayers. They aren't worth your time anyway.

What Matthew Lillard taught me about toxic criticism and how to overcome it

Why is it that, no matter how many compliments we may receive, it's the criticisms that always stick with us most? For me, I've alw...

Did you know that “mom brain” can last anywhere from a few weeks to two years after a child is born?

Now that a year has passed, this fog is finally starting to clear for me. I’m feeling like myself again, separate from being a parent. I can focus on reading books again, I’m writing again (as you can see), I’m getting better at keeping up with housework, and I’m reinventing my wardrobe to fit my new hips.
But one thing I didn’t expect was to actually feel more anxious now.

For the last year, I’ve had the very real, very situational stress that comes from trying to keep a tiny helpless human alive. It was all-consuming. Now, though, as I’m able to think about things besides my baby 24/7, my clinical anxiety feels like it’s returned.

I thought the opposite would happen – that I would have less anxiety once I got used to my new normal. So, imagine my surprise when my “old friend,” generalized anxiety and panic disorder, reemerged.

Why did this happen? And is it normal?

Studies on maternal brain changes show that the brain prioritizes survival and caregiving for the first year of a child’s life, making other non-essential cognitive functions less urgent. With the very real worries that came from my baby’s first-year – like constantly checking if he was breathing while sleeping or wondering what each cry meant – my brain didn't have the bandwidth to keep up with my generalized anxiety symptoms too.

When the brain is under intense, sustained acute stress, it dumps cortisol and adrenaline to prioritize immediate survival. This hyper-focus on this immediate threat can temporarily suppress anxiety symptoms, which often thrive in moments of boredom or low-stakes worry. So, once this is over, the “let-down effect” or “post-stress syndrome” often occurs, causing the body and mind to crash.

This pattern is common across many mental health conditions. For example, hyper-focus or distraction can also temporarily provide relief from OCD symptoms and lessen obsessive thoughts in bipolar disorder, according to NOCD, a leading provider of OCD treatment. But, when the thought returns, the discomfort can be even greater.

For me, I’ve found myself randomly revisiting arguments I’ve had with my husband months ago, or something somebody said that made me mad, or an embarrassing thing I did early in my son’s life – things that didn’t fully sink in as they were happening because I was preoccupied. And I know people are probably thinking, “Umm…why are you thinking about this 8, 9, 10 or 11 months later?!” It’s because I failed to mentally address it as it was happening.

So, what can I do now?

It can be frustrating when I’ve spent over a decade perfecting my self-care routine to have to start over – while also learning how to do it while taking care of a child. But it’s important that I rebuild my mental health routines after this long break.

I’ve met with my psychiatrist to re-prescribe the medications I couldn’t take while pregnant and breastfeeding. And, while taking my medications had become second nature to me throughout the years, now I have to reset the notifications on my phone, reminding me to take them.

This has been my first step.

Next, I have to cope with the backlog of arguments and embarrassments I put into my "mental parking lot" that are popping up now. These delayed memories and feelings won’t dissipate until I give them a moment of attention.

For me, this started with making an appointment to see a marriage counselor to work on the stuff my husband and I have put on the backburner for the last year – and figure out how to make time for “us” again.

It’s also meant texting friends to apologize for whatever has been bothering me – although their typical response is, “Well, duh, you’ve been busy taking care of a baby! Don’t worry about it!” I try to remind myself that, while a problem may have ruminated in my head for months, for everyone else, time has moved on, and they probably don’t even remember.

I’ve been trying to get back into activities that are just for me, too, while rediscovering my identity separate from being a mom. As you can see, that’s meant trying to write in my blog more often. It’s meant getting a pedicure, or going to a coffee shop, or taking a lap around the mall during my lunch break at work. It’s also meant putting my husband on baby duty so I can get a cocktail or two with a friend I hadn’t seen in months.

I still try and find time for self-care activities as well, like my bubble baths – albeit sometimes setting up a bouncer in the bathroom for my son, or waiting until he’s fallen asleep for the night. We’ve also set up a playpen in the living room so my son can play independently while I read a book on the couch or practice stretching exercises or meditation (Full disclosure: I’ve been slacking on the latter).

If you, like me, are dealing with the return of mental illness symptoms after having a baby – or another all-consuming life event – please be gentle with yourself. Now that the acute crisis is over, your brain finally has the space to tell you what it needs. So, take some time to listen to it.

Remember that professional help is available 24/7. Call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline anytime, or talk to your primary care physician, who can treat mental health conditions or refer you to a psychiatrist or therapist for additional help.

'Mom brain' can actually suppress clinical anxiety symptoms — at least temporarily

Did you know that “mom brain” can last anywhere from a few weeks to two years after a child is born? Now that a year has passed, this fog i...

Our country has grown so divisive that a new fear has been unlocked for many of us. The fear of getting shot.

There are people out there choosing violence when someone doesn't agree with them. Or if someone looks at them funny. Or for no apparent reason at all. And, no matter your political views, this is terrifying.

So, it's no wonder there's a rise in hopelessness, stress, and mental health diagnoses. A September Gallup poll indicates that the U.S. depression rate is at a historic high, with a current projection of 47.8 million Americans suffering from depression in 2025.

After all, how can you not feel anxious and even scared when going to any public place nowadays? For instance, my friend and I attended a concert last weekend and, despite the metal detectors out front, we still couldn't help but mention to each other, "What if...?" And my parents now have a security guard stationed outside their church on Sunday mornings for this exact reason.

With shootings happening recently at schools, churches, grocery stores, movie theaters, health clinics, and neighborhood block parties, it feels like nowhere is off limits. And it's emotionally exhausting to have to be worried about this all the time.

I recently saw a woman post on TikTok that even after 9/11, she felt safer than she feels today. At least during that time, there was more empathy in this country as everyone joined together for a common cause. Now, I see people actually arguing on social media about whether or not certain people deserved to be shot and killed. Excuse me, what?!

But, even more than the shootings, what causes me the most anxiety is how many people seem to hate each other nowadays. For a while there, people were celebrated, or at least accepted, for their differences in beliefs, culture, color of skin, gender, and who they loved – but that doesn't feel like the case anymore.

So, how can you cope with an anxiety that's happening across the entire country? I know this is where I usually share advice, but even I'm struggling to come up with anything. That's because this isn't something you can journal or meditate your way out of.

What I can tell you, though, is if you're feeling this way, you're not alone. And, if you feel like there's a lack of human decency in the world today, I believe there are still more good people out there than bad.

In fact, about 70% of the world’s population did at least one kind thing in the last month, according to this year's World Happiness Report. And, according to a national survey by the Harvard Kennedy School, 96% of Americans still believe we have a responsibility to respect the rights of others.

I have witnessed firsthand this kind of compassion. I saw the sheer number of people who donated to my friend after her house burned down. I've seen people stop to help a stranger whose car broke down on the side of the road. I saw all the people who joined together to support my transgender friend when she felt unsafe. And I saw the hundreds, if not thousands, who peacefully rallied against violence and discrimination in my area.

These moments have proven to me that our capacity for connection and empathy is stronger than hate. There's still good in this world and far more people willing to help others than not.

If you are struggling with what's happening in the world today, know that many people are feeling the same way as you are. You don't have to struggle alone. Talk to your primary care physician, who can treat mental health conditions or refer you to a psychiatrist or therapist for additional help. If you or someone you know is in immediate crisis, call the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.

The anxiety of public life when everywhere feels off limits

Our country has grown so divisive that a new fear has been unlocked for many of us. The fear of getting shot. There are people out there ch...

I lead a pretty good life, and I’m a decently optimistic person. So, you may be surprised to find out that I think about suicide pretty regularly.

I share this because, often, people who experience suicidal ideations aren’t who you’d expect. With my background in mental health, I have met several people who have lost family members to suicide. And many have expressed similar sentiments – that he or she was a happy person, and they never saw it coming.

Suicide truly can happen to anyone. The signs may be obvious, or they may not. It could be a guy who struggles to get out of bed or take a shower, a girl who attends parties every weekend, or anyone in-between.

When someone dies by suicide, it’s common for their loved ones to beat themselves up, thinking, “I should have known! Why didn’t I know?!” Or you may think, “They didn’t love me enough to stay.”

But, when someone has a mental illness and dies by suicide, they aren’t in their right mind. They can’t see past that moment, and they definitely aren’t thinking about how much their loved ones will miss them. Dying by suicide is like dying from any other untreated illness, and it’s no one’s fault.

For me, suicidal thoughts will pop into my head often. And the thought isn’t a conscious decision, like, “I'm going to think about suicide now.” The thought will enter my mind as if it’s coming from someone else. Maybe I’ll make a stupid mistake or say the wrong thing or even just experience a minor inconvenience, and the thought will suddenly appear, “You should just kill yourself” or “Everyone would be better off without you.”

I would never act on these thoughts, thanks to the fact that I am physically unable to inflict pain on myself. I’m also well-versed enough in mental illness to be able to take these thoughts for what they are. A chemical imbalance in my brain.

I like to think of these thoughts as a little devil on my shoulder, spouting out lies. But some days are harder than others not to listen to it. Sometimes it’s difficult not to believe the thoughts that say, “No one would miss you if you were gone.”

If you feel this way, it’s important to talk to a professional. If you had cancer, you wouldn’t just sit around, hoping it would go away on its own. The same goes for mental illness and suicidal ideations.

Throughout my years dealing with this, here’s some effective strategies I’ve found:

Following the plan I created with my doctor. My psychiatrist prescribed Xanax, a fast-acting medication which can relieve symptoms of anxiety within 30 to 60 minutes. I use as needed in moments of crisis to help calm my brain when it feels like I’m spiraling. Having a plan specific to my needs, approved by a professional, is my most important tool.
Doing something else to take my mind off of it. Sometimes, the best way to quiet the intrusive thoughts is to distract them. I’ll watch a comfort movie, listen to music or an audiobook, or even do the dishes — any activity that pulls me out of my head and into the present moment.
Doing nothing. When my brain is too loud to be distracted, I do the opposite. I'll lie in a dark room with my hands at my side and just try to be still, or even fall asleep if I’m able to. It’s hard to act on these thoughts when you’re not moving, or, even better, when you're sleeping.
Calling my mom or another loved one. When the thoughts feel overwhelming, it helps to reach out to someone who can help talk me through it. Especially my mom, who, obviously, has known me my entire life and who, without, I wouldn’t even have a life. Just hearing her voice reminds me, there is someone who would be devastated if I was gone. This simple act of connecting with someone who loves me can be enough to remind me that I’m not alone.
Reminding myself that there are people who need me. My 12-month-old son needs me to, well, do everything for him right now. My husband needs my help taking care of our baby and, of course, paying the bills. And my cat needs me to feed him, clean up his poop, and be a warm body to sleep on top of. Of course, I know I’m more than my responsibilities, but it helps to put these things into perspective when I’m feeling like everyone would be better off without me.

If you’ve ever thought about suicide, you are not alone. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, an estimated 10.6 million adults in the U.S. report having suicidal thoughts each year. What’s important, though, is that you don’t act on these thoughts. Instead, call or text the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, anytime, at 988. Seeking help is a sign of strength, and there is support waiting for you.

For more information, read this article on MI Blue Daily.

What suicidal ideations feel like to me

I lead a pretty good life, and I’m a decently optimistic person. So, you may be surprised to find out that I think about suicide pretty regu...

If you asked me what I least expected since becoming a mother, it’s not the sleepless nights or the diabolical diapers. One thing I still haven’t gotten used to is how unreliable I’ve become – to everyone except my son.

I’ve always prided myself on how reliable I am. I am a “Yes Girl” through and through, and I always try to be there for the people I love. Almost every weekend is packed full because saying “No” makes me feel like a crappy friend, even if it’s at the expense of my own mental health. Since having a child, though, being a “Yes Girl” all the time just isn’t possible.

Sometimes I’ll have to cancel plans at the last second because my son got sick at the germ factory that is daycare. I’m late to almost everything because of an unexpected poop, puke, or general poor time management (getting yourself and a baby ready at the same time is HARD).

Having to say “No,” and, especially, having to cancel plans, makes my skin crawl. I still try to make it to the big things, like the bachelorette parties, the weddings, and the birthday parties, but it’s just not feasible for me to make it to every hangout like I used to.

But here’s another thing I didn’t expect: I’d often rather be with my baby. No offense to the other people in my life, but I never knew I could miss someone so much when I’m away – especially someone 36 years younger than me who doesn’t speak English. But he's only this little for so long, and I want to be there for as much of it as I can.

Even if you don’t have a child, though, you shouldn’t have to feel guilty for saying, “No.” You don’t have to have other plans. Self-care, staying home, and relaxing after a hard week – that is “plans,” and you don't have to apologize for taking this time for yourself.

Saying 'No' even if you don't have other plans

Human beings need dedicated time to recharge in order to function at full capacity. This may mean declining a get-together or even an extra shift at work. Studies have shown that "doing nothing" is crucial for problem-solving, creativity, and memory consolidation, suggesting that time spent simply relaxing is actually highly productive for your brain.

This is something that's taken me a long time to realize and, with a baby, now I'm forced to put it into practice. Below are some tips I've found that have helped me make time for myself and say "No" when I need to:

Set a dedicated rule for how many times you go out during the week to avoid burnout. For me, since having a child, I've made a rule for myself that, at most, I only agree to plans one day a week where my son isn't invited. Any more than that, and I say, "No."

You don't have to give a reason why. Just say, "I'm sorry, I can't come!" or "I'm sorry, I'm busy that day." If they ask why, just reiterate, "I'm just not able to make it this time, but I hope you have fun." You can also say, "I've been crazy busy lately!" or "There's just some stuff I have to get done around the house!"

Think about how much energy the event will take. In my 20s, I could go out to a party or a concert every weekend night. Now, I can't. If you know you're staying out late on a Friday night, it's okay to not want to do it two nights in a row. Prioritize your own rest without feeling guilty about it!

Offer a raincheck. When you have to say "No," suggest a day to meet later. This lets the other person know you are saying "No" to the time, not the person.

Take a random PTO day from work. Don't tell anyone else. Don't make any plans. Still take your kid to daycare, if you have a kid, and just dedicate the whole day to yourself.

When that wave of guilt hits after saying "No," remind yourself that it is necessary. Saying "No" to a party means saying "Yes" to your family, your mental health, and your energy reserves. This reframing is a powerful tool against the anxiety of disappointing others. The people who truly love you will understand that it's just not possible to do everything. You are not a bad friend or a bad employee for needing time to breathe, rest, and recharge.

Why saying 'No' feels so hard — and why it's necessary for your mental health

If you asked me what I least expected since becoming a mother, it’s not the sleepless nights or the diabolical diapers. One thing I still ha...

After emerging from the newborn trenches, I was surprised that it wasn’t until now – nine months after giving birth – that I’m struggling with depression.

Difficulty sleeping, randomly crying, nausea, muscle aches, irritability and trouble concentrating – it all hit me like a freight train. And I wondered, “Why is this happening to me now?!”

When I started getting stomach cramps that resembled contractions, I knew something was up, and it made me take a closer look at my daily life.

I thought about a recent change I made that could be the cause. A few days ago, I began weaning myself off breastfeeding. My supply had dipped, and I’d often have to feed my baby a bottle of formula immediately after breastfeeding because he didn’t get enough milk from me. The work of it – pumping to maintain my supply and the energy zap it took on my body – didn’t feel worth the result.

But it hadn’t crossed my mind that quitting breastfeeding could cause such a visceral reaction – so, when I started experiencing these symptoms, I had no idea what was going on! That’s why I wanted to share my experience because it’s something nobody ever told me.

Hormonal Rollercoaster

As you wean, estrogen levels rise while prolactin (the hormone stimulating milk production) and oxytocin (often called the “love hormone”) in your body decrease. According to Parents Magazine, this sudden hormonal shift can significantly impact your mood, leading to feelings of sadness, anxiety, and in some cases, depression. It even has a name – “Post-weaning Depression” – and it’s just another thing that mothers go through that completely screws up our hormones.

On top of that, weaning can be uncomfortable. I’ve been forcing myself to take longer and longer breaks between pumping to signal to my body to stop producing – which, at times, has led to painful breast engorgement and has only added to my overall crappy mood.

Dr. Gail Saltz, an associate professor of psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College, tells Parents Magazine that post-weaning depression is less familiar to the psychiatric community than other postpartum conditions. "Women often do not reveal they have these feelings or don't realize that (post-weaning depression) is what they are experiencing," she said.

Beyond the hormonal shifts, there's also a significant emotional side to weaning, and quitting earlier than you wanted can make depression more likely. There’s part of me that feels guilty about not making it to a year, especially after how hard I worked to be able to breastfeed in the first place (my baby refused to latch in the beginning, so I had to exclusively pump for the first couple months to keep my supply).

I’ve also loved breastfeeding my baby and those special moments between the two of us. But I need to remind myself that, just because breastfeeding is over, that doesn't mean that bond ends. This little human is a part of me, and our bond – which will be built on countless interactions throughout our lives – is only just beginning.

Finding the Silver Lining

If you are struggling with weaning or you’re feeling guilty, I would suggest focusing on the positives. For instance, I'm excited to be able to share the responsibility of feeding my son with my husband – especially the feedings that are in the middle of the night (sorry, babe!).

Quitting breastfeeding can also feel like reclaiming a part of your identity as your own individual – not just a mother. Although the weaning process may make you feel out of whack in the beginning, you will experience the calm after the storm with the return of hormonal balance and the clearing of "baby brain."

“Baby brain” has been awful for me personally, and this is one of the things I’m most excited to get back to normal. It’s been a regular occurrence for me to put something away and have no recollection of where I put it or walk into a room and have no idea what I was going to do. I also haven’t been the best version of myself at work – panicking to get tasks done right before deadline because I completely spaced out.

But, as hormones begin to normalize after quitting breastfeeding, the clouds of "baby brain" will begin to part. The drop in prolactin and the rebalancing of other hormones play a role in this mental clarity. While it might not happen overnight, women report feeling more like their sharper, pre-pregnancy selves in the weeks and months following weaning – regaining energy, improving their mood and sleeping better, according to Talkiatry Online Psychiatry.

Other things to look forward to include:

Physical Comfort: An end to breastfeeding means an end to potential discomforts like sore or cracked nipples, painful engorgement, biting (if your little one has teeth) and the risk of mastitis.
Dietary Freedom: You no longer need to worry as much about how the foods or drinks you consume might affect your baby through your breast milk. And you can re-introduce the meds you may have cut out while pregnant and nursing. For me, I'm excited to be able to take Xanax for my anxiety again, which I had to cut cold turkey ever since I found out I was pregnant 18 months ago.
Wardrobe Liberation: You will finally have the freedom to wear whatever you like – no longer considering accessibility for feeding and being able to pack away the nursing bras with the flaps and clips.
Reclaiming Your Schedule: The logistical complexities of breastfeeding and pumping often mean your schedule is dictated by feedings. For me, I felt like I was living my life in four-hour increments, whether I was with my baby or not, because that's how often I'd have to pump. Once you've weaned, you regain a level of freedom. You can go for an impromptu dinner, run errands without watching the clock, and not have to hide in a back room in the middle of the workday to pump.

Remember, a gradual weaning process, where the number of feeds is reduced slowly, can help minimize hormonal fluctuations and reduce the intensity of potential side effects. If you are struggling with post-weaning depression, I would also suggest talking with your gynecologist, who can prescribe medication to help accelerate the weaning process, and a psychiatrist, who can help treat your depression.

While I know it’s easier said than done, please stop feeling guilty – something I’m also trying to tell myself. While the saying “Breast is best” may have been engrained into your brain, the real truth is that “Fed it best.” That’s the only thing that matters – and as long as you’re doing that, whether you breastfed for zero months, six months or two years – you’re doing great!

Post-weaning depression: What I didn’t know about quitting breastfeeding

After emerging from the newborn trenches, I was surprised that it wasn’t until now – nine months after giving birth – that I’m struggling wi...

When you are envious over what someone else has, this can affect your self-esteem and potentially lead to anxiety and depression. Guest blogger Mike Lerchenfeldt writes about how to break this cycle.

By Mike Lerchenfeldt
Meant to Live Contributor

The intertwining threads of jealousy, stress, and depression can form a suffocating web that affects mental well-being. Jealousy, often stemming from insecurity, can trigger a chain reaction of stressful thoughts and physiological responses that lead to depressive states.

"Jealousy is a form of fear, and fear is a major stressor,” says Dr. Ramani Durvasula, California State University professor. “When you're constantly in a state of fear, your body produces cortisol, which negatively affects both your physical and mental health."

This chronic stress, driven by perceived threats to relationships or status, can result in ongoing anxiety and a feeling of helplessness. I recall a time when various forms of jealousy consumed me. Comparing my progress to that of others, I became fixated on perceived inequalities.

This constant mental churn triggered sleepless nights, racing thoughts, and a pervasive sense of inadequacy that contributed to stress, manifested as physical tension and emotional exhaustion, eventually leading to a period of depressive symptoms. The relentless focus on what I lacked created a negative feedback loop, amplifying feelings of worthlessness.

This experience aligns with research showing that social comparison, a major part of jealousy, can contribute to depressive symptoms. Comparing oneself to others fosters feelings of inadequacy, erodes self-esteem, and creates fertile ground for depression to grow.

Breaking this cycle requires addressing the underlying insecurities that drive jealousy. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and counseling can be a valuable tool, aiding individuals in identifying and challenging negative thought patterns. Mindfulness practices can also promote a sense of self-compassion, which diminishes the tendency for harsh self-judgment.

Recognizing and acknowledging the emotional distress linked to jealousy is a crucial step toward healing and fostering healthier relationships with oneself and others. For me, this path is deeply intertwined with my faith. I believe God created us to be the ‘best version of ourselves,’ not 'better than' our neighbor. Accepting and embracing this has been my most helpful first step!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike Lerchenfeldt is a freelance writer and middle school teacher from metro Detroit. This Dad of two likes exploring places and supporting local businesses. Through teacher exchanges, he has traveled to Japan and New Zealand.

Breaking the cycle: How jealousy and social comparison can affect your mental health

When you are envious over what someone else has, this can affect your self-esteem and potentially lead to anxiety and depression. Guest blog...

Mental health and suicide awareness have always been important causes to me. But, becoming a new mom has given new meaning to how precious life is — considering now I know, firsthand, what goes into bringing a new life into the world.

Before, I never really thought about what my mom went through to have me. First, there's trying to get pregnant, which is easier for some than others. For my mom, she was in her 40s when she had me, so she knew there was a possibility she wouldn't get pregnant before menopause hit. But then, after about six months of trying, the two pink lines appeared on her pregnancy test.

Then, she had to go through nine months of pregnancy and, of course, labor —which my mom did without an epidural — to deliver me. Then, all the dirty diapers, the hours of breastfeeding, and the nights spent lying on the floor, holding my hand through the crib's bars, because that was the only way I'd fall asleep.

So, I can't imagine how my mom felt when I struggled with depression as a teenager and told her, "I want to die." Thinking about it as a mother now, I don't want to imagine my son ever saying anything like that to me someday. But, when I was in the middle of my suicidal ideations, I failed to realize the preciousness of my own life and everything my mom went through to bring me into it.

I know, when everything hurts so bad that death feels like the only way out, you're not thinking logically. But, if you ever find yourself in that situation, I hope you'll remember this: Your life is precious, and it took a lot for you to be here. Even if your birth story is less than ideal, so many circumstantial events had to happen, exactly as they did, for you to exist.

If you trace it back, there had to be two parents, four grandparents, eight great-grandparents, 16 great-great-grandparents, 32 great-great-great grandparents and so on for you to exist. Then there's the choices each of them made in order to meet and have a kid (or decide to become a surrogate/sperm donor/whatever the case may be).

For my parents, they were introduced by my mom's ex-sister-in-law, whose husband worked with my dad. It's weird to think, if my mom hadn't met her ex-husband and gone through that painful experience, she never would have met my dad and I wouldn't be here today. And, for me, if my husband didn't wait the six months it took me to finally agree to go on a date with him (sorry, babe!), my son Dean wouldn't be here either.

On top of that — not to be all sex-ed on you — but, when you were created, out of millions of sperm, only one could fertilize that specific egg. The odds of that exact combination happening, the one that created you, are astronomically small. It's a once-in-a-universe event.

So, if ever you feel like your life doesn't matter, remember that YOU are a once-in-universe event! The fact that you are here, at this very moment, is nothing short of a miracle, when you think about it. And because our existence is so improbable and precious, we owe it to ourselves, and those who came before us, to cherish and protect our lives and the lives of others.

Each life has an impact on others, even if you don't realize it. What you do with this life, that's up to you — but no matter what you do, I hope you choose to keep living. Even when things feel hopeless, the future holds possibilities you can't imagine. You are meant to be here; you are meant to live.

If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. You can also text HOME to the Crisis Text Line at 741741 to connect with a trained volunteer crisis counselor. You don't have to do this alone.

How Mother's Day reminds us how precious our lives are

Mental health and suicide awareness have always been important causes to me. But, becoming a new mom has given new meaning to how precious l...