What Matthew Lillard taught me about toxic criticism and how to overcome it
Why is it that, no matter how many compliments we may receive, it's the criticisms that always stick with us most?
For me, I've always struggled with my self-confidence. The only thing I'm not self-conscious about is my writing. So, a couple weeks ago, when a lady criticized my writing, it really stung.
Meeting her, I thought we really clicked, and I spent hours writing a press release for her. I was excited to work with her, but her response was that she didn't like it and "shouldn't have to pay for it."
Yes, I may have cried. A lot.
I've always been self conscious about my looks. And yes, sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I still think about the guy who 15+ years ago said I had an "ugly nose." But someone criticizing my craft — something I've always prided myself on — hurt more than I thought it would.
Since then, I've second guessed every word I've written. And since, ya know, writing is my job, it's been hard.
So I've really empathized with someone else who was unjustly criticized for his craft recently. On a podcast earlier this month, movie director Quentin Tarantino said he didn't care for actor Matthew Lillard. In the interview, Tarantino also dissed actor Paul Dano, calling him "the weakest male actor in SAG (Screen Actors Guild)."
These comments were unnecessary and untrue, and Lillard was honest and vulnerable about it —talking about how much it did hurt.
Over the weekend, at GalaxyCon in Columbus, Ohio, Lillard told the audience, "Quentin Tarantino this week said he didn’t like me as an actor. ... The point is that it hurts your feelings. It f***ing sucks."
The internet has rallied around Lillard. Actor Devon Sawa, Lillard's co-star in SLC Punk, called him a "powerhouse" and said, "He's still one of the best actors I've been on set with." And filmmaker Mike Flanagan called him an "amazing actor, collaborator and friend."
I hope these compliments have touched Lillard, but like I said, I know that, even if 100 people praise you, it's that one dig that makes a lasting impact.
Psychologists call it the "negativity bias." Our brains are hardwired to give more weight and lasting impact to negative experiences than to positive ones.
According to Positive Recovery Centers, this has a detrimental effect on our mental health — distorting our self-perception over time and leaving us feeling constantly inadequate, even when we’re doing well.
So, how can you overcome this?
For one, surround yourself with positive people who make you feel good about yourself. I've spent my 30s cutting out the people in my life who build themselves up by tearing others down.
Another way to combat negativity bias is by practicing gratitude. Take time each day to think about what you're thankful for, and write down the good things that happened. For me, over the weekend, a stranger randomly told me I seemed like a "cool mom." I've tried to savor this interaction, replaying it whenever an insult tries to creep into my brain.
Lillard's situation also put things into perspective. It serves as an important reminder: Some people are just cruel. For no reason. And some people won't like you. For no reason. And it's not your fault, and it says nothing of your character. Instead, it says everything of theirs.
As film critic Cassandra Hager tweeted, "Live your life in such a way that if Quentin Tarantino talks sh** about you, the whole world rushes to your defense."
In the end, that's what really matters. Instead of obsessing over what one miserable person says, focus on the people who have your back. Keep being the loyal, reliable, and kind person you want your friends and colleagues to remember, and forget the naysayers. They aren't worth your time anyway.
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