If I’m being honest, I’ve really been struggling with my mental health this month. Even the most minor inconveniences will leave me spiraling.
Monday morning, I spilled coffee all over my brand-new daily planner. And my reaction was to immediately think how worthless I am and how all I ever do is make mistakes.
All of this over a $10 planner. Probably an overreaction. Yet this is what my entire month has been like.
Anything from spelling a word wrong in an email to misplacing something in our house to having to cancel plans – I will immediately start thinking, “You’re going to get fired. Your husband is going to leave you. Your friends are annoyed with you. Everyone would be better off without you.”
To say it’s been exhausting would be an understatement.
And it made me think – why now? I didn’t feel like this last month. It’s as if the second the clock struck midnight on a new year, my mental health took a nosedive.
But that’s just it, isn’t it? There’s a reason why January is considered the most depressing month of the year and the “Monday of months.” It’s a real phenomenon, and it doesn’t just affect me.
The thing is, though, I wasn’t expecting it to hit me this hard – especially on the heels of the best holiday I’ve had in a long time. I’ve never really been much of a Christmas-girl after my uncle, who was born on Christmas Day, died when I was a kid – and my grandma shortly after – taking our big family Christmas/birthday party with them.
The magic of Christmas seemed to die along with them. But this year, seeing Christmas through my 1-year-old son’s eyes, it was the first time the magic of Christmas felt like it returned for me.
But, with how good Christmas felt, January smacked me in the face that much harder with the worst winter depression I’ve had in a long time.
Maybe it’s because of how happy I was, though, that I crashed so hard when I returned to the daily grind. It doesn’t help that this January is also the coldest it’s been in Michigan since the Polar Vortex of 2019.
When it’s painfully cold outside, we retreat indoors, move our bodies less, and isolate ourselves from friends because leaving the house feels like more work than it’s worth. On Monday, for instance, I hadn’t left the house at all since Friday – not even opening the front door. So, it makes sense that, when Monday rolled around, I was running on empty and couldn’t even handle spilled coffee.
This self-imposed isolation can exacerbate the symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder, which already peaks in January as it is. The lack of sunlight decreases serotonin (a mood-regulating neurotransmitter) and increases melatonin (a hormone associated with sleepiness), triggering symptoms like sadness, fatigue, and lethargy. Prolonged, isolated time indoors can also cause feelings of being "trapped" or losing interest in activities.
And these feelings only hit harder when they follow a “high.” According to Psychology Today, this is called the Contrast Effect – which not only comes from comparing your life to others, but also from comparing your life now to what it used to be. It’s not just that January is bad; it’s that December was finally good again, so the drop-off felt like emotional whiplash.
So, what can you do about it?
Leave the house
For me, after spending Monday intermittently working and crying on my breaks, I told my husband I HAD to get out of the house when 5 p.m. rolled around. So, we decided to have a little date night (with our 1-year-old third wheel, of course) at a nearby Irish pub. And, getting dressed, putting on make-up, and going out – I felt like a whole new person.
It’s essential, even if it’s just walking to the mailbox, to leave the house for a little bit every day. If it’s too cold outside, you can also go to the gym, and, if you work from home, maybe work from a coffee shop or library instead to change up your scenery.
Lower your expectations
People say “New Year, New Me” as if you’re supposed to hit the ground running in January, achieving all the goals you’ve set. But, if I’m being honest, maybe the only goal you should have for the month is surviving! January is messy – and it’s okay if you are too! Show yourself some grace.
Get some sunlight
If you are at home, make sure you’re sitting by a window to get some sunlight. And, if you can’t do that, you can also buy the “fake” stuff. Light therapy boxes can be an effective way to treat Seasonal Affective Disorder. With light therapy, you sit in front of a special light box, which mimics natural outdoor light, the first hour of waking each day. The light box should provide an exposure of 10,000 lux and emit as little UV light as possible.
Find the magic again
Just because the holidays are over, that doesn’t mean you have to live a magic-less existence. Find some ways to put the magic back into your everyday life.
Maybe it’s keeping fairy lights strung around your window, instead of taking all the Christmas lights down. Maybe it’s taking on a project to paint a white wall a bright color. Maybe it’s planning a getaway so you have something to look forward to. Maybe it’s turning on some happy music and taking a dance break in the kitchen. Or maybe it’s calling a friend you haven’t seen in a while and asking to catch up. There are a lot of ways to turn your stuck-indoors winter into something better and brighter.
Practice positive self-talk
It’s important that you stop being so unkind to yourself. I’ve definitely been having that problem myself, so I know it’s easier said than done. When I’m feeling depressed, the words, “You’re worthless” and “Nobody actually cares about you,” will pop into my head as if they are coming from someone else, and I have no control over them.
But you need to fight back against these thoughts. The trick that helps me is asking, "Would I say this to my best friend? Would I say this to my son?" If my friend spilled coffee on her planner, I wouldn’t tell her she’s worthless. I’d tell her it’s just paper. If you wouldn’t say it to someone you love, don't say it to yourself. You deserve the same kindness you give to everyone else.
Remind yourself that this feeling won’t last
You’re not going to feel this way forever, and it helps to remind yourself that this is only temporary. It is called Seasonal Affective Disorder for a reason. Seasons change, and the days are already starting to get longer. The temperatures will rise, the snow will melt, and your mental fog will lift.
And, as January comes to a close, I’m wishing a better February for all of you! Hang in there; the sun is coming back!
As for me, I’m going to keep using my coffee-stained planner. It’s a little messy now, and it’s definitely not perfect anymore, but it still does the job – just like me.
If I’m being honest, I’ve really been struggling with my mental health this month. Even the most minor inconveniences will leave me spiralin...
