After emerging from the newborn trenches, I was surprised that it wasn’t until now – nine months after giving birth – that I’m struggling with depression.
Difficulty sleeping, randomly crying, nausea, muscle aches, irritability and trouble concentrating – it all hit me like a freight train. And I wondered, “Why is this happening to me now?!”
When I started getting stomach cramps that resembled contractions, I knew something was up, and it made me take a closer look at my daily life.
I thought about a recent change I made that could be the cause. A few days ago, I began weaning myself off breastfeeding. My supply had dipped, and I’d often have to feed my baby a bottle of formula immediately after breastfeeding because he didn’t get enough milk from me. The work of it – pumping to maintain my supply and the energy zap it took on my body – didn’t feel worth the result.
But it hadn’t crossed my mind that quitting breastfeeding could cause such a visceral reaction – so, when I started experiencing these symptoms, I had no idea what was going on! That’s why I wanted to share my experience because it’s something nobody ever told me.
Hormonal Rollercoaster
As you wean, estrogen levels rise while prolactin (the hormone stimulating milk production) and oxytocin (often called the “love hormone”) in your body decrease. According to Parents Magazine, this sudden hormonal shift can significantly impact your mood, leading to feelings of sadness, anxiety, and in some cases, depression. It even has a name – “Post-weaning Depression” – and it’s just another thing that mothers go through that completely screws up our hormones.
On top of that, weaning can be uncomfortable. I’ve been forcing myself to take longer and longer breaks between pumping to signal to my body to stop producing – which, at times, has led to painful breast engorgement and has only added to my overall crappy mood.
Dr. Gail Saltz, an associate professor of psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College, tells Parents Magazine that post-weaning depression is less familiar to the psychiatric community than other postpartum conditions. "Women often do not reveal they have these feelings or don't realize that (post-weaning depression) is what they are experiencing," she said.
Beyond the hormonal shifts, there's also a significant emotional side to weaning, and quitting earlier than you wanted can make depression more likely. There’s part of me that feels guilty about not making it to a year, especially after how hard I worked to be able to breastfeed in the first place (my baby refused to latch in the beginning, so I had to exclusively pump for the first couple months to keep my supply).
I’ve also loved breastfeeding my baby and those special moments between the two of us. But I need to remind myself that, just because breastfeeding is over, that doesn't mean that bond ends. This little human is a part of me, and our bond – which will be built on countless interactions throughout our lives – is only just beginning.
Finding the Silver Lining
If you are struggling with weaning or you’re feeling guilty, I would suggest focusing on the positives. For me, I’m excited that I’ll be able to spend a weekend away with friends this summer – a trip I was going to skip out on if I was still breastfeeding my baby. I’m also excited to be able to share the responsibility of feeding my son with my husband – especially the feedings that are in the middle of the night (sorry, babe!).
Quitting breastfeeding can also feel like reclaiming a part of your identity as your own individual – not just a mother. Although the weaning process may make you feel out of whack in the beginning, you will experience the calm after the storm with the return of hormonal balance and the clearing of "baby brain."
“Baby brain” has been awful for me personally, and this is one of the things I’m most excited to get back to normal. It’s been a regular occurrence for me to put something away and have no recollection of where I put it or walk into a room and have no idea what I was going to do. I also haven’t been the best version of myself at work – panicking to get tasks done right before deadline because I completely spaced out.
But, as hormones begin to normalize after quitting breastfeeding, the clouds of "baby brain" will begin to part. The drop in prolactin and the rebalancing of other hormones play a role in this mental clarity. While it might not happen overnight, women report feeling more like their sharper, pre-pregnancy selves in the weeks and months following weaning – regaining energy, improving their mood and sleeping better, according to Talkiatry Online Psychiatry.
Other things to look forward to include:
- Physical Comfort: An end to breastfeeding means an end to potential discomforts like sore or cracked nipples, painful engorgement, biting (if your little one has teeth) and the risk of mastitis.
- Dietary Freedom: You no longer need to worry as much about how the foods or drinks you consume might affect your baby through your breast milk. And you can re-introduce the meds you may have cut out while pregnant and nursing. For me, I'm excited to be able to take Xanax for my anxiety again, which I had to cut cold turkey ever since I found out I was pregnant 18 months ago.
- Wardrobe Liberation: You will finally have the freedom to wear whatever you like – no longer considering accessibility for feeding and being able to pack away the nursing bras with the flaps and clips.
- Reclaiming Your Schedule: The logistical complexities of breastfeeding and pumping often mean your schedule is dictated by feedings. For me, I felt like I was living my life in four-hour increments, whether I was with my baby or not, because that's how often I'd have to pump. Once you've weaned, you regain a level of freedom. You can go for an impromptu dinner, run errands without watching the clock, and not have to hide in a back room in the middle of the workday to pump.
While I know it’s easier said than done, please stop feeling guilty – something I’m also trying to tell myself. While the saying “Breast is best” may have been engrained into your brain, the real truth is that “Fed it best.” That’s the only thing that matters – and as long as you’re doing that, whether you breastfed for zero months, six months or two years – you’re doing great!
After emerging from the newborn trenches, I was surprised that it wasn’t until now – nine months after giving birth – that I’m struggling wi...
