I lead a pretty good life, and I’m a decently optimistic person. So, you may be surprised to find out that I think about suicide pretty regularly.
I share this because, often, people who experience suicidal ideations aren’t who you’d expect. With my background in mental health, I have met several people who have lost family members to suicide. And many have expressed similar sentiments – that he or she was a happy person, and they never saw it coming.
Suicide truly can happen to anyone. The signs may be obvious, or they may not. It could be a guy who struggles to get out of bed or take a shower, a girl who attends parties every weekend, or anyone in-between.
When someone dies by suicide, it’s common for their loved ones to beat themselves up, thinking, “I should have known! Why didn’t I know?!” Or you may think, “They didn’t love me enough to stay.”
But, when someone has a mental illness and dies by suicide, they aren’t in their right mind. They can’t see past that moment, and they definitely aren’t thinking about how much their loved ones will miss them. Dying by suicide is like dying from any other untreated illness, and it’s no one’s fault.
For me, suicidal thoughts will pop into my head often. And the thought isn’t a conscious decision, like, “I'm going to think about suicide now.” The thought will enter my mind as if it’s coming from someone else. Maybe I’ll make a stupid mistake or say the wrong thing or even just experience a minor inconvenience, and the thought will suddenly appear, “You should just kill yourself” or “Everyone would be better off without you.”
I would never act on these thoughts, thanks to the fact that I am physically unable to inflict pain on myself. I’m also well-versed enough in mental illness to be able to take these thoughts for what they are. A chemical imbalance in my brain.
I like to think of these thoughts as a little devil on my shoulder, spouting out lies. But some days are harder than others not to listen to it. Sometimes it’s difficult not to believe the thoughts that say, “No one would miss you if you were gone.”
If you feel this way, it’s important to talk to a professional. If you had cancer, you wouldn’t just sit around, hoping it would go away on its own. The same goes for mental illness and suicidal ideations.
Throughout my years dealing with this, here’s some effective strategies I’ve found:
- Following the plan I created with my doctor. My psychiatrist prescribed Xanax, a fast-acting medication which can relieve symptoms of anxiety within 30 to 60 minutes. I use as needed in moments of crisis to help calm my brain when it feels like I’m spiraling. Having a plan specific to my needs, approved by a professional, is my most important tool.
- Doing something else to take my mind off of it. Sometimes, the best way to quiet the intrusive thoughts is to distract them. I’ll watch a comfort movie, listen to music or an audiobook, or even do the dishes — any activity that pulls me out of my head and into the present moment.
- Doing nothing. When my brain is too loud to be distracted, I do the opposite. I'll lie in a dark room with my hands at my side and just try to be still, or even fall asleep if I’m able to. It’s hard to act on these thoughts when you’re not moving, or, even better, when you're sleeping.
- Calling my mom or another loved one. When the thoughts feel overwhelming, it helps to reach out to someone who can help talk me through it. Especially my mom, who, obviously, has known me my entire life and who, without, I wouldn’t even have a life. Just hearing her voice reminds me, there is someone who would be devastated if I was gone. This simple act of connecting with someone who loves me can be enough to remind me that I’m not alone.
- Reminding myself that there are people who need me. My 12-month-old son needs me to, well, do everything for him right now. My husband needs my help taking care of our baby and, of course, paying the bills. And my cat needs me to feed him, clean up his poop, and be a warm body to sleep on top of. Of course, I know I’m more than my responsibilities, but it helps to put these things into perspective when I’m feeling like everyone would be better off without me.
If you’ve ever thought about suicide, you are not alone. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, an estimated 10.6 million adults in the U.S. report having suicidal thoughts each year. What’s important, though, is that you don’t act on these thoughts. Instead, call or text the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, anytime, at 988. Seeking help is a sign of strength, and there is support waiting for you.
For more information, read this article on MI Blue Daily.
I lead a pretty good life, and I’m a decently optimistic person. So, you may be surprised to find out that I think about suicide pretty regu...
