Meant to Live

The horror movie "Fresh" pretty much epitomizes how terrifying modern dating is. Without giving any spoilers about the rest of the movie, "Fresh" starts out with Noa, the main character, going on a Tinder date. After the guy criticizes the way she dresses and yanks the leftovers she paid for, he asks if they can do this again sometime, and she responds, "I don't think we're really a match." He shoots back: "I was literally just being polite. You're not even my type. Good luck finding a guy, you stuck-up b*tch."

Dating can really put your mental health and your self-esteem through the ringer. I remember one time, during my single years, I hung out with this guy every Tuesday for a month, and when I asked if we could hang out on a Saturday, he called me clingy and needy and stopped talking to me. And it made me question myself, wondering if I really was asking for too much, instead of realizing um...this guy is probably either married or has a designated girl for every day of the week and was mad when I challenged his system.

I am thankful to now be in a healthy relationship —with a man who actually wants to see me everyday (it's a miracle). It's sad that, with all the bad dates I had been on previously, I used to think this kind of relationship was impossible.

But, I recently suffered from a cruel flashback to my dating life and a reminder of how hard the words and actions of people you just met can affect you.

I went to the bar with a friend, and, after returning from the bathroom, she told me that a guy hit on her and told her she was "more attractive than her friend" (aka me). And it shouldn't have bothered me. Who cares what this stranger thought of me? But the fact that, in order to hit on my friend, he also had to diminish the way I look — it shattered my self confidence and heightened my anxiety symptoms for days.

Those with depression, anxiety disorder and other mental health conditions are more likely to struggle with their self confidence. And, when you already have low self-esteem, when just one person says anything negative about you or does anything negative to you, you believe it because, well, that's the way you feel about yourself.

For those who are dating — especially in the age of online dating — you are in more situations than ever that can affect both your confidence and mental health (and this doesn't even take into account the additional anxiety about your personal safety with each new person you meet, but that's for another day and another blog post). The derogatory messages on dating apps. The ghosting. The games. The anxiety that comes from wondering "Will he/she text me back?" And sometimes insults when things don't work out.

So, what are some ways you can stop thinking it's a reflection of your own self worth when someone objectifies you or tells you they're not interested in you?

Remind yourself: Just because someone doesn't find you attractive, it doesn't mean you're not attractive.

I know it's easier said than done, but when someone doesn't want to be with you, you need to stop thinking it's because there's something wrong with you. Because there's not! It's something that's happened to the best of us and what you're feeling right now, please just know that you're not alone.

"Chemistry — the 'spark' or that feeling in your stomach you get when you’re around someone you think is attractive is a very subjective feeling not based on anything that makes logical sense," writes Megan Boley, copywriter for the relationship blog P.S. I Love you.

"If someone you’re into turns you down because the sex wasn’t that good or because they just decided they aren’t attracted to you — you can’t take that personally. ... You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re still a stellar human being who’s interesting and beautiful and attractive, even if one person doesn’t think that you are."

Realize that some people are just emotionally unavailable — and there's nothing you can do about it.

On dating apps, you will definitely find your fair share of people who don't want anything more than "casual" or people who will consistently flake out on you. And you may think to yourself, "Well, I can change that! If they liked me enough, they would change!" Stop it! It's not you. They would treat anybody they meet this way.

"No matter how gorgeous or funny they are, if you get involved with someone who can’t consistently line up their actions with their words, you’re going to be miserable with them. So do your future self a favor and just say no to psychological stunted Romeos and emotionally immature Juliets," writes psychologist and blogger Nick Wignall on Medium.

And realize that some people are just plain cruel.

There are plenty of cowardly and just plain cruel people in the world (and if you've watched the movie "Fresh," you'll see multiple examples of this!) And, when you're online dating, you are bound to find some of these people, and oftentimes people are even more cruel when hiding behind a computer. Just know that you didn't do anything to deserve the way you're being treated.

Washington Post staff writer Lisa Bonos recounted a time when she was waiting for a date to show up at the bar — and then realized that, not only was he not showing up, but, instead of canceling like a minimally decent human, he had blocked her on the dating app so she couldn't contact him. Stories like this are, unfortunately, not uncommon, and if something like this happens to you, instead of placing blame on yourself, thank your lucky stars that they showed their true colors early on so you didn't have to waste anymore time on them.

Identify your feelings and let yourself grieve.

It sucks when things end. And there shouldn't be any timeline for that. I know people who have had a relationship end after 4+ years and they were relieved — but then had things end with someone else after only a couple dates and they were devastated. Let yourself feel how you feel because, often, when you try to force yourself to stop, it only makes it worse. So take that time to cry while watching break-up movies and eating chocolate. When you identify how you're feeling and realize your feelings are valid, then you're giving yourself that time to mourn and then move on.

Know your own power when it comes to dating too.

When you struggle with your self-esteem, you may be unconsciously giving all the power to the other person. You may be overlooking the things that just aren't right because you want to feel wanted by another person. You may feel like you're the one being rejected all the time — but you need to realize your own self-worth. If you don't feel that "spark" or you're not being treated the way you deserve, take your power back and you end things. Dating isn't a one-way street; it's about what you want too.

Connect with friends.

As they say in Sex and the City, "Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with." Remember to regularly meet up with friends when you're dating —because having those people you can rant to about the latest date-gone-wrong and having your friends remind you of your worth and how much they love you, it really is a life saver. Right after my last break-up, my friend came over to my apartment within 30 minutes after my ex left, and we drank wine, talked crap, and watched the movie "John Dies at the End" (because, well, I wanted to watch anything but a romance flick). And that was definitely the kind of therapy I needed right then.

If you're feeling a strain from dating, take a break.

I took a dating hiatus for several months at the end of 2016 after dating pretty consistently for more than two years. I was emotionally exhausted and didn't want to get to know anyone else just to have it end and start all over again.

Just like occasional breaks from social media, I think breaks from dating are also necessary for your mental health and to make time to focus on yourself and your own needs. Spend the time you would have spent dating on a new hobby, going to the gym, traveling, taking some classes, getting an extra part-time job to get that moo-lah, etc.

Also, have you ever heard the saying "Good things come when you least expect it." For me, during that break from dating, I actually ended up finding my current boyfriend, who I've been in a relationship with for the last five years. He kept in contact with me for six months, even though I kept avoiding him whenever he asked me out on a date because I figured, "What's the point? It's not like it's going to work out anyway." But because I took that break from dating, it opened my eyes to the fact that there was a good, stable man out there who liked me enough that he was willing to wait six months for me to be ready to date again.

I'm not saying this should be your reason for taking a break from dating but — hey — you never know what can happen. Your break could reveal to you the people who are actually worth it.

For more ideas on things to do instead of dating, read this article on Thought Catalog.

How to protect your mental health while dating

The horror movie "Fresh" pretty much epitomizes how terrifying modern dating is. Without giving any spoilers about the rest of the...

In college, I minored in psychology, and, in my classes, we learned all about the "founding fathers" of psychology — Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung, William James, Ivan Pavlov and Alfred Adler. But, just like in most of history, women are often left out — even though, today, psychology is a much more female-dominated field.

So, for Women's History Month, I wanted to highlight some of the women who revolutionized the field and helped the world, slowly but surely, realize that mental health is just as important as physical health.

Mary Whiton Calkins

Calkins was the second woman in history to complete the work necessary for a PhD in psychology. But the Harvard Corporation only recognized her as a "guest" instead of a student because they did not officially admit women and refused to award her the degree she deserved — even posthumously.

The research she did on memory while studying at Harvard was crucial to the cognitive revolution — yet, at the time, male psychologists took credit for her work. Today, we know that Calkins was the one to invent the test where participants are shown a series of colors and numbers and are asked to recollect what number is paired with each color. She was also the first female president of the American Psychological Association in 1905 and the American Philosophical Association in 1918.

Mamie Phipps Clark

Clark, the first Black woman to earn a degree from Columbia University, is known for studying the psychological effects of segregation on African American children. She conducted a series of experiments in the 1940s — known as the "doll tests" — with her husband Kenneth. They used four baby dolls, two black and two white, and asked Black children between the ages of three and seven to identify the color and which doll they preferred. A majority of the children said they preferred the white doll and called the black doll "bad."

With these findings, the couple theorized that segregation at schools made African American children feel inferior and that these feeling would affect them for the rest of their lives. The results of these tests led the Supreme Court to rule that separating children in public schools on the basis of race was unconstitutional.

Leta Stetter Hollingworth

When Hollingworth was alive, the prevailing opinion, which we all know now is grossly incorrect, was that women were "inferior" to men. She pioneered the psychological study of women and helped dispel the myths that were used in the argument against women's rights.

Hollingworth, New York City’s very first civil service psychologist, is credited with tackling the variability hypothesis, which was traced back to Charles Darwin and stated that men exhibited a greater range of variation when it came to physical and psychological traits. Based on her studies, she found, if there is any difference, it favors women, according to the Psychology Museum of the University of Wisconsin Green Bay.

She then decided to write her dissertation on the belief that, during menstruation, women couldn't be as productive as men. For three months, she tested men and women's performance on various tasks and found zero evidence that menstruation was related at all to poor performance.

Anna Freud

Move over Sigmund Freud. There's another Freud who deserves recognition — Sigmund's sixth and youngest daughter Anna. She expanded on her famous father's ideas — helping develop the field of child psychology and introducing the concept of "defense mechanisms." After fleeing Austria due to the arrival of Nazis, she founded the Hampstead Child Therapy Course and clinic. According to the Institute of Psychoanalysis, her work was instrumental in refining the insight into a child’s normal and pathological development.

Mary Ainsworth

After studying mother-child interactions in Uganda, Ainsworth developed the Strange Situation assessment to study children's attachment to their caregiver. Researchers would observe children's reactions when their mother briefly left them in an unfamiliar room. Based on her research, Ainsworth concluded that there are three types of attachment: secure, anxious-avoidant and anxious-resistant. Her research inspired countless more studies on early childhood attachment and played an important role in our understanding of attachment today.

Karen Horney

Horney developed a theory of neurosis that is still prominent today. She viewed neuroses as coping mechanisms that are part of normal life, and she identified 10 neurotic needs —for affection and approval, for a partner, for power, for exploitation of others, for social recognition, for personal admiration, for achievement, for self-sufficiency and independence, for perfection, and for restriction of one’s life.

Horney is also credited with generating more interest in women's psychology because of her critique of Sigmund Freud's theories. She refuted Freud's famous "penis envy" theory — countering it with her own "womb envy" theory. She said, "Is not the tremendous strength in men of the impulse to creative work in every field precisely due to their feeling of playing a relatively small part in the creation of living beings, which constantly impels them to an overcompensation in achievement?"

Melanie Klein

Klein made major contributions in the field of play therapy and concluded that young children use play as a way to communicate. According to the Institute of Psychoanalysis, she found that children's play and the toys they use carry important symbolic meaning for them, and that this could be analyzed much in the same way as dreams could be analyzed in adults. While children may not be able to find the words to talk about their emotions in regular counseling sessions, Klein found that they can be psychoanalyzed by using play therapy to investigate their unconscious feelings, anxieties, and experiences.

Eleanor Maccoby

Maccoby was the first woman to chair the psychology department at Stanford University and was also, reportedly, the first woman to deliver a lecture at Stanford while wearing a pantsuit. Other than rocking that power suit, she also wrote The Psychology of Sex Differences, the first large-scale review of the literature on gender differences, with developmental psychologist Carolyn Jacklin.

"I read something by a Freudian clinic psychologist who published that the essential difference between men and women is that males are active and females are passive. ... And I would talk about how outrageous it was to talk about women as 'passive,'" Maccoby said. "We finally said, 'Let's see if we can put together the evidence for what sex difference there are.' And we began to comb literature. ... The book's basic message is that most of what we think about as essential differences between the sexes are myths. ... Men and women are alike; let's stop stereotyping them with these labels that are not true."

Women's History Month: Recognizing the women who revolutionized the psychology field

In college, I minored in psychology, and, in my classes, we learned all about the "founding fathers" of psychology — Sigmund Freud...

Despite all the progress that has been made over the years, stigma still exists when it comes to mental illness. And there are still parents out there not getting their children the help they need because of this stigma. While people are becoming more and more open about mental health, there are still people who don't understand that mental illness is a medical condition that can happen to anyone — and it's no one's fault and it's not something you can just wish away.

Some parents may wrongly think, if their child struggles with their mental health, it's a reflection of their parenting. Or maybe they think there's no way that this could happen — not to their child. "Oh, they're not depressed or anxious or bipolar. They're just being an overdramatic adolescent."

Within the last year, those of us in Michigan have been exposed to what can happen when a child doesn't get the help they need and when their issues are ignored. MLive recently reported that Ethan Crumbley, the accused 15-year-old Oxford High School shooter, told a friend he was in the grips of a mental breakdown and that, when he told his parents, they told him to "suck it up."

Ethan was also experiencing hallucinations, according to his text message records, and he wrote, "I need help. I was thinking about calling 911 so I could go to the hospital, but then my parents would be really pissed.”

While there is no excuse for what he did and the lives he took, testimony from the preliminary examination showed that Ethan's lack of mental health treatment could have been one contributing factor. His school counselor even told his parents that Ethan was displaying signs of “suicidal ideation." Who knows how differently things could have ended up if he would have been taken out of school immediately and admitted to psychiatric inpatient care as soon as he showed these signs of being a danger to himself and others?

Of course this is an extreme example, and this likely won't be the outcome if your child doesn't get help for their mental health. There's a relatively small number of people with serious mental illnesses who have committed violent crimes, according to the American Psychological Association. It's a myth that people with mental illness are responsible for a large portion of community violence.

But the chances of an adolescent turning to drugs or alcohol or self-harm to cope with their untreated mental illness or attempting suicide because they can't handle the pain —now those odds are much greater.

According to the CDC, "Mental, emotional, and behavioral disorders in childhood can cause long-term problems that may affect the health and well-being of children, families, and communities. Treating a child’s mental health problems as soon as possible can help children reduce problems at home, in school, and in forming friendships. It can also help with healthy development into adulthood."

I know there are many instances when a child will not share with their parents what they are going through and won't ask for help. They will plaster a smile on their faces and no one will know what's going on inside their heads. But, if your child does ask for help, get them help! If you do see signs of mental illness, get them help! And, no matter what, let your child know, if they are struggling, they can come to you and that you will always be that safe harbor for them.

I know I'm not a parent. I'm just a cat mom. I never claim to be an expert, instead I write from experience and I write as a way to help reduce the stigma against mental illness. But I do know what it's like to be a child – after all I used to be one. And I know how big of a difference it would have made in my life if I would have been treated for my anxiety as a child, instead of waiting until I was 19 to get treatment. That's why I'm writing this. We need to get children and teens the help they need early in life, instead of them waiting until they're adults to finally get treatment, like the generations before them.

Can you imagine — an entire generation emerging into adulthood as self-introspective people who know all the tools to treat their mental illnesses? That's the power that parents have today, and that's the kind of world I hope to live in someday.

Therapy should be just as commonplace as taking your child to their annual check-up and getting them an inhaler for their asthma or a cast when they break their leg. Taking care of yours and your children's mental health is just as important as physical health — and we need to treat it as such.

If your child asks for help, get them help!

Despite all the progress that has been made over the years, stigma still exists when it comes to mental illness. And there are still parents...

Like Rue in Euphoria, my obsessive-compulsive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder were heightened after my dad died when I was a kid. Mental illness has a tendency to either develop after a trauma or increase in intensity. For me, I already had OCD but it was intensified by the trauma.

In the very first episode of Euphoria, Rue sits at the kitchen table across from her mother while counting squares on the ceiling light. When her mother interrupts, she recites the count from the top. Her mother interrupts again and Rue begins to wail.

This cycle was very common for me growing up. Similarly, it often stemmed from my mom unknowingly interrupting my counts (which was not her fault at all). I would count a lot, whether it be the tiles on a floor or how many times I repeated a specific ritual.

I suffered through it back then without medication and ended up wasting much of my time. The Lexapro that I eventually started taking helped immensely, as it’s known for treating OCD. Even now with my meds I still perform counting rituals in my head every so often, but when someone accidentally cuts me off I don’t get as agitated as I once did. I don’t remember what any of my designated numbers were back then (the number of times that I “had to” repeat a ritual), but today it’s 4.

Although it’s not one of Rue’s more outwardly focused-on disorders in the show, I still felt a very strong connection with her after that very first scene. I wish that Euphoria would show more of Rue’s obsessive-compulsive moments, but I enjoy seeing the other traits she has to offer.

In the second season, we see Rue in the throes of her drug addiction even more so than before.

Thankfully, drug addiction was one mental illness that I did not experience (unless you consider soda pop a drug), but it is definitely important to talk about. I never drowned out my thoughts by abusing drugs because the idea of taking drugs just adds to my anxiety.

Running away from life’s problems by abusing drugs is not unusual and in Season 2 Episode 5, Rue actually runs away. According to American Addiction Centers, people with mental illness are more likely to become addicted to drugs than others. Rue runs throughout the entire episode in an effort to avoid those who care about her so that she doesn’t have to confront her troubles.

The TV Show’s Spot-On Narrative of a Panic Attack

An article from Nylon refers to the show as “TV’s Most Realistic Portrayal Of Anxiety.” Though Euphoria doesn’t go into as much depth about OCD as I would like, Rue’s account of her panic attacks is eerily accurate.

“I don’t remember much between the ages of 8 and 12, just that the world moved fast and my brain moved slow,” Rue said in the opening scene of the pilot episode.

I felt this way as an adolescent—especially after my dad passed away—and I frequently feel this way as an adult. Because the world moves too fast, I’m left trying to catch up and catch my breath which sometimes turns into a full-blown panic attack.

The physical symptoms of a panic attack can include a racing heartbeat, difficulty breathing, and—let’s not forget—the unrelenting feeling that you’re about to die. That particular symptom is my least favorite. “Every now and then if I focused too closely on the way I breathed, I’d die,” said Rue.

Euphoria Steers Clear of Bipolar Disorder Stereotypes

Rue later realizes that she also has bipolar disorder, a suggestion that had previously been made by her doctor. An article from Bustle notes that portrayals of bipolar disorder on Euphoria are more realistic than portrayals that are typically seen on television and in movies. Viewers with bipolar disorder now have a TV show that they can relate to instead of constantly seeing the same old stereotypes displayed on screen.

In movies and TV shows, characters who are supposed to be in their manic state are often violent. Rue's manic state was closer to real life as it wasn’t shown as anger or aggression. Bustle described it as “excitable and hyper-focused.” In fact, Health defines mania as “a state of mind characterized by high energy, excitement, and euphoria over a sustained period of time.”

Whether you’re suffering from generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, depression, bipolar, or all of the above, the creators of Euphoria seem to be making strides toward ensuring that you are heard. I’ve felt heard since I watched the very first episode.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Caitlin Renton is a copy editor and writer from Michigan. She owns and manages the website www.silicon-rustbelt.com with the latest technology news happening in the Rust Belt area. In her downtime, she likes to curl up with a good horror novel while cuddling with her cats.

Euphoria's spotlight on OCD and anxiety revolutionizes conversations around mental illnesses

Like Rue in Euphoria , my obsessive-compulsive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder were heightened after my dad died when I was a kid...

Cuddling at home under a soft, cozy blanket this entire winter may sound ideal, but, if you have seasonal affective disorder like me, this can have negative consequences. According to an article from Psychology Today, not only can exercising outside double as an antidepressant, but the change of scenery can also be beneficial to your mental health.

While some easy fixes like light therapy have worked to ease my depression during the winter, I would say that forcing myself to go outside usually helps more. I come home with a feeling of accomplishment, my body worn out from the cold and slowly warming up, pushing me into a deep sleep.

Make Going Outside Convenient

In the winter, just putting on boots is half the struggle. I recently bought a pair of waterproof slip-on shoes from L.L. Bean because having to put on boots makes it seem like so much more of a chore to go outside in the cold. These new shoes are quick and easy to slip on, so I now have one less barrier to getting out the door.

Even in these below-freezing temperatures lately, I’ve been able to get myself promptly out the door without a fuss. There hasn’t been a whole lot of my usual winter procrastination when it comes to running errands or taking a walk when it’s slightly less chilly. The shoes have been helpful, but I even took it a step further.

Ski Trip In Boyne Falls

This year, I decided that I wanted to go on a ski trip for my birthday. My boyfriend and his daughter love to snowboard, so they planned a 3-day excursion for us to visit Boyne Falls, Mich. — a popular place to ski and snowboard. Because I haven’t been skiing in years, I anticipated plenty of falls and bruises.

When we reached Boyne Falls, I found it difficult to get used to the low temperature. But I was also excited to go skiing again, so I bundled up and powered through it. We finally arrived at Boyne Mountain and I was eager to start.

We put on our gear and headed toward the bunny hill. When I got to the top, I didn’t hesitate like I had thought I would. I carefully made my way down the slope and thought back to the beginner techniques I was taught as a kid. The snowplow (or forming a pizza shape with the skis) was my best friend, keeping me at a slow and steady pace.

Eventually, I was ready to try the beginner hill which was longer and steeper than the bunny hill. The only real fear I had was going on the chairlift. I sat in between my boyfriend and his daughter which eased some of my anxiety. The chairlift had one thin bar securing us in place. Needless to say, I was very happy when it finally dropped us off and I felt exhilarated skiing down the beginner hill.

We later learned that it was one degree Fahrenheit and would drop to negative nine in the middle of the night. With all of the activities keeping me preoccupied, the frigid air was actually pretty low on my list of my concerns.

The next day was my birthday. It got off to a rocky start when I accidentally got stuck riding the chairlift by myself. I gripped the frozen, metal sides of the chair for dear life and tried to stay alert through my lightheadedness. When the lift dumped me at the hilltop, I sat down and waited for my knees to stop shaking. My boyfriend apologized profusely for leaving me behind and insisted on waiting with me until my legs stopped convulsing. I was able to get back up after a few minutes and enjoy the rest of my skiing experience.

While I’m now glad to be back home resting after a weekend full of exercise, I also can’t wait to go skiing again. My fear of heights was certainly an obstacle and I have blisters on my hands to show for it, but at least there was no time to be in my head and focusing on my depression. In fact, any seasonal depression I had been feeling had disappeared completely.

Staying busy and being outdoors helps me when I’m depressed, but is not a fix for everyone. Everybody heals differently and some benefit most from regular old therapy. Plus, there are always others who can relate. The American Psychiatric Association reports that approximately 5 percent of adults living in the United States experience seasonal affective disorder. You are not alone.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Forcing myself to get outside to combat Seasonal Affective Disorder

Cuddling at home under a soft, cozy blanket this entire winter may sound ideal, but, if you have seasonal affective disorder like me, this c...

I love books. And my favorite part about books is that there's no better way to transport yourself into someone else's life and perspective.

One character I particularly fell in love with last year was Felix in "Felix Ever After" by Kacen Callendar — a black transgender teen navigating high school, friendship and first love. *Note: Kudos to my place of employment, Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan, for encouraging employees to read this book through their Inclusion and Diversity book club!*

I wish I had a book like "Felix Ever After" in high school to open my eyes to gender identity and transgender issues that I, as a former Catholic school girl, unfortunately didn't learn about until I was in my 20s.

And that's why it makes me so mad that book bans are on the rise.

In Oklahoma, for instance, books like "Felix Ever After" — which I think should be mandatory high school reading — could be banned as a bill was recently introduced in the State Senate to prohibit public school libraries from keeping books on hand that focus on sexual activity, sexual identity or gender identity.

And what does this say to LGBTQ+ kids? That it's not OK to read books with characters like them, but it is OK to read books about heterosexual relationships and cis-gender main characters — like "Romeo and Juliet," where the two teenage main characters kill themselves when they think they can't be together. If anything "Romeo and Juliet" is way more damaging than any of the perceived effects from books like "Felix Ever After" or the children's book "Heather Has Two Mommies," which was recently banned from a school district in Pennsylvania.

According to the American Library Association, "In recent months, a national campaign demanding the censorship of books and resources that mirror the lives of those who are gay, queer, or transgender, or that tell the stories of persons who are Black, Indigenous, or persons of color have surfaced."

"More than 330 unique cases were reported to ALA’s Office for Intellectual Freedom (OIF) in the three-month period between September 1 and November 30, 2021. Thus far, challenge totals in 2021 have doubled the number of reports from 2020 (156 challenges) and most likely will outpace 2019 figures (377 challenges)."

Mental Health Effects of Book Bans

Book removals send the very destructive message that the life experiences of BIPOC and LGBTQ+ individuals don't matter.

Neuroscientist and clinical social worker Renetta Weaver told A Very Well Mind that book bans can lead to feelings of disconnect and isolation in people who are part of the groups that are being censored. So it's no wonder that book bans and the resulting feelings of isolation can then lead to mental health challenges like anxiety, depression, stress, imposter syndrome, suicidal ideations, etc.

"In working with children and youth, this lack of representation in learning materials is very damaging to their mental health as it reaffirms limiting beliefs about their purpose and potential. ... They have a hard time being heard and being seen because they secretly feel like they don’t belong, and they don’t want anyone to find them out," Weaver said.

Ariel Landrum, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told A Very Well Mind that she has seen, firsthand, how much it has helped her clients to have a character, whether it be in a book or a movie, who they can relate to. That's why inclusion and representation is so vital.

"Diverse characters in diverse books with diverse experiences increase validation and affirmation for marginalized clients. It allows them to provide examples regarding their lived experience to others without doing unnecessary mental and emotional labor," said Landrum.

And, while more books than ever are featuring diverse characters, kids need to have access to these books. They may not have the money to buy books at their local book store or transportation to get there. The school library may be the only place they can go to get their books.

Which is why it's so important that, here, they have access to books featuring as many diverse perspectives as possible. And, when these books aren't there or have been yanked from the shelves, it makes it seem like there's something wrong with these stories and subjects — when there's not.

"We want children and young adults to understand how the world works and their place in it, as well as how they can bring about change. Thus, we need to have these conversations about race, sexuality, gender, mental illness and other taboo topics that are too often the reason books are challenged or banned," writes The Daily Campus columnist Madeline Papcun.

"It’s not that all of these challenged books should be available in kindergarten classrooms, but older children and young adults need to have access to them. These books can spark conversations that can end up saving lives."

Click here to buy banned books from Barnes and Noble.

An increase in book bans is likely to affect youth's mental health

I love books. And my favorite part about books is that there's no better way to transport yourself into someone else's life and pers...

Did you know that poor mental well-being is a critical problem that, if neglected, can lead to serious health complications, such as heart disease?

Well...awesome...does this mean, not only do I have to worry about my anxiety and depression, but now I have to worry about it giving me a heart attack one day? And, unfortunately, I can't sugar coat this one. Yes, depression can increase the risk of a heart attack and development of coronary artery disease.

That's because, according to the American Heart Association (AHA), "When you experience depression, anxiety or stress, your heart rate and blood pressure rise, there’s reduced blood flow to the heart and your body produces higher levels of cortisol — a stress hormone. Over time, these effects can lead to heart disease."

And, of course, there's also the behaviors we're more likely to indulge in when we're depressed. For some, that may be smoking and/or drinking. For me, when I'm depressed, the probability definitely goes up that you'll find me eating Hot-N-Ready pizza and Doritos for dinner and not moving from the couch for hours.

So, what can you do to take care of both your heart and mental health? It's not like you can just say to yourself, "Hey, self! Stop being so depressed! You'll give yourself a heart attack!" Mental health treatment doesn't work that way and usually, saying "Stop being depressed!" has about the same affect as someone telling you to "Relax!" or "Calm down!" when you're feeling anxious.

As I tell you in almost every blog post, first things first: Seek professional help. Talk to your primary care physician, who can treat mental health issues or refer you to a psychiatrist or therapist for additional help, or visit Psychology Today and click "Find a therapist" to find someone located within your zip code.

Another piece of advice from the ever-wise Elle Woods (from "Legally Blonde," of course) —"Exercise gives your endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands." So, exercising can help you proverbially kill two birds with one stone — benefiting your mental and physical health at the same time.

The AHA advises you to start small if you're not in the habit of exercising or eating healthy. Maybe that's taking a 30-minute walk every day, which is proven to increase cardiovascular fitness, strengthen bones, reduce excess body fat, and boost muscle power and endurance. When cooking, it could mean substituting ingredients, such as a wrap instead of bread, grilled chicken instead of fried chicken, hummus or avocado instead of mayo, and kale chips or zucchini fries instead of French fries.

Spending time outside everyday, even if it means bundling up this winter and just taking a 10-minute stroll around the neighborhood, is also important.

"(Going outside) allows you to take a breath, relax, and reset with a better frame of mind. ... It doesn’t matter if you’re at a park, in the words, or in your back yard, being in nature can have a calming effect and improve your mental and physical health, especially when its combined with exercise," Dr. Christine Ashour of Family Medicine and Primary Care - White Plains Hospital Physician Associates, told Health Matters.

Some of the benefits of spending time outdoors include: Lower levels of cortisol, a boost in Vitamin D intake, increased levels of concentration and creativity, improved mental clarity, lower blood pressure and heart rate, and increased energy.

All in all, as the AHA states, "Ultimately, you have to take care of yourself to break the cycle of feeling down. That could be doing something structured, such as a yoga class or tai chi practice, or something you can do anywhere, such as meditating, listening to music or reading a book."

Heart Health Month is a reminder that taking care of your heart and mental health go hand-in-hand

Did you know that poor mental well-being is a critical problem that, if neglected, can lead to serious health complications, such as heart d...

Like most people, my mental health was severely affected by the COVID-19 outbreak. Not only did I have to get accustomed to a new way of living - wearing masks, constant hand washing, social distancing - but I was also one of the lucky many who got laid off from their jobs.

I have found a new job that I truly enjoy, but I also realized that getting laid off from my previous job had really taken a toll on my mental health. It was the job position I thought that I’d be working in for possibly the rest of my life, afterall. As someone with generalized anxiety disorder, my anxiety made me feel like it was somehow my fault that I lost my job. Obviously, this was not the case, and I needed to find a way to make my worries subside.

It got to the point where I had so much trouble concentrating on my work, even though I absolutely love the work that I do. It was hard enough to concentrate on my copy editing, but my writer’s block was even more awful. The nagging thoughts that I’m a failure and that I should just give up were constant. Because the obsessive worries started to affect my work, I finally decided to talk about it with my therapist.

After spilling my guts in our session, my therapist asked me one simple question: “Do you have a space in your new home that’s just for work?” I realized no, I do not. See, this year, my boyfriend and I had to move into a new place. With the inflated rental prices right now, the new place is a lot smaller and I no longer have an office to work in. For work I’ve just been sitting in my recliner with my computer in my lap right in front of where the TV sits.

While I think creating a space that’s only for work should have been an obvious solution to begin with, for some reason it just didn’t come to me. Sometimes I need someone (like a therapist) to suggest ideas. It might not be the only solution to my newfound work problems, but at least it’s a start.

Shaping My Workspace

There’s a little book nook I made in the corner of the living room after my boyfriend and I moved into our new home. After talking to my therapist, I thought this would be the perfect spot to work, if only I had a table for my laptop to sit on. I placed a small dinosaur lamp that I’d had in storage on top of the bookshelf and made sure that all of my notebooks and writing utensils were also there.

I even called my mom to tell her about the plan. Shortly after, she came over to drop off a little, quaint table she had picked out for me. (Thanks, mom)! So, I set up my new workspace and voila! Now, here I sit, typing my new blog post with the inspiration flowing and the words just coming to me.

Seeking A Therapist

Therapy can be really helpful, even if you think you don’t need it. Sometimes a different perspective is all it takes and the professionals have lots of solutions to offer that your friends and family might not have thought of. Psychology Today has an easy way to narrow down the list of therapists in your area by insurance, types of therapy, price, mental health disorders and more. Click on Find A Therapist at the top of the homepage and type in your city or zip code to begin your search.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

How COVID-related work changes affected my mental health

Like most people, my mental health was severely affected by the COVID-19 outbreak. Not only did I have to get accustomed to a new way of liv...

Fever. Chills. Cough. Difficulty breathing. Fatigue. Body aches. Headaches. Loss of taste and/or smell. Sore throat. Runny nose. Nausea.

These, of course, are the COVID symptoms we have all come to know so well these last two years. And, if you're anything like me, when you have just one of these symptoms — even the smallest tickle in your throat — you freak out, thinking you caught the dreaded virus.

With the Omicron variant being more contagious and more resistant to vaccines, it feels like we've all been trapped inside a depressing game of Pac-Man — with us being the Pac-Men and COVID being the ghosts we're dodging.

Whelp, to kick off the New Year, COVID finally got me, despite being vaccinated X 3. And, while I did experience some of those symptoms, the thing I wasn't prepared for was the effect COVID would have on my mental health.

It really shouldn't have come as a surprise. Many COVID symptoms mimic depression, such as poor sleep and impaired concentration. And the stress, fatigue and isolation that comes from COVID — well, that is pretty much a breeding ground for depression, especially for those of us who already struggle with our mental health.

For me, the uncertainty of COVID has also been difficult for me since, as we all know, uncertainly is the antagonist of any anxious person's life. One day, I could feel fine, and then the next day, I would wake up and barely be able to get out of bed because I felt so sick. Now, two weeks after my onset of symptoms, it's hard to feel relieved. I'm still not sure if it's really over, and everyday, even as my symptoms wane, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And this all may explain why, on Monday, I found myself ugly crying off and on for at least eight hours straight. It's because I'm both mentally and physically drained.

Dr. Maura Boldrini of Columbia University Irving Medical Center suggests that biological changes caused by COVID may be why some of us experience mental — and not just physical — side effects after contracting the virus.

"We’ve known for a long time that there’s a link between viral infections and mental health. ... There is evidence that a small amount of virus may be able to enter the brainstem and cerebellum via circumventricular organs," she said.

"Based on what we know about COVID so far, systemic inflammation may unleash chemicals that trigger symptoms such as hallucinations, anxiety, depression, and suicidal thinking, depending on which part of the brain is affected."

WebMD reports that, in a study of COVID-19 survivors, more than half of the sample reported symptoms of depression months after recovery. Many survivors of COVID-19 have also reported symptoms of PTSD, OCD, anxiety and insomnia.

So here's the lesson I've learned from all this. That you need to be extra kind to yourself as you recover from COVID. Let yourself cry. Let yourself rest. Stop thinking, "It's been weeks or longer, I should feel better by now!" Give yourself as much time as you need to recover. Your body and mind have been through a lot and they need some extra pampering right now.

And, if these symptoms of depression continue even after your COVID symptoms are gone, then seek help from a professional. Talk to your primary care physician, who can treat mental health issues or refer you to a psychiatrist or therapist for additional help. For Michigan residents, you can also find resources by calling/texting Common Ground's 24/7 crisis line at 800-231-1127. If you or someone you know is considering suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.

Is depression a symptom of COVID-19?

Fever. Chills. Cough. Difficulty breathing. Fatigue. Body aches. Headaches. Loss of taste and/or smell. Sore throat. Runny nose. Nausea. Th...

It's the start of a New Year. For many, it's also the time of year when you start obsessing over how to "better" yourself. I often think about a quote that Carrie Bradshaw said in Sex and the City: "You're always looking for a job, a boyfriend or an apartment. So, let's say you have two out of three and they're fabulous. Why do we let the thing we don't have affect how we feel about all the things we do have?"

I'm 33. The same age actress Sarah Jessica Parker was when the first episode of Sex and the City aired. And, in my 30s, this quote feels like it rings even more true. I think about how, when I was a kid, 30 seemed like the age when I would officially be an adult and would finally have my life figured out. Husband, 2.5 kids, a house with a white picket fence, blah blah blah. Now, let's collectively laugh together about how wrong I was. In my 30s, I'm far from having my life figured out, and I've realized I spend so much more time thinking about the things I don't have instead of appreciating the things I do.

I keep telling myself, "I'll be happy if..." Like, I'll be happy if I get my book published. I'll be happy if my blog is successful. I'll be happy if I get engaged. I'll be happy if I get married. I'll be happy if I buy a house. I'll be happy if I have a child. If. If. If. If. If. If. I measure my life by these superficial things that I define success by and tell myself, "I may be depressed now, but, when one of these things happens to me, then — then I'll be happy."

But by doing that, I'm missing out on all the good things about my life right now. And I'm putting so much weight on these "ifs" — when, in reality, if those ifs happen, will it really cure all my problems anyways?

For instance, being a published author doesn't cure you from depression. There's plenty of published authors and celebrities who struggle with their mental health. There's one successful author — one of my all-time favorite authors —who has been ground-breaking in the queer community because of her rom-coms featuring LGBTQ+ characters. But, recently, strangers have been harassing her about her own sexuality, which ultimately forced her to come out as bi-sexual when she wasn't ready. She has accomplished everything I've wanted to accomplish, but that doesn't mean she's not struggling too. That doesn't mean her life is perfect.

I'm also sure all my married friends can tell me that getting married and having kids definitely doesn't make your problems go away — as we can see in the Sex and the City reboot And Just Like That — and will probably just give you a whole new array of things to stress about.

I know, especially as a woman, we're programmed to dream about our wedding day since we were little girls. We obsessively plan on Pinterest before we even have a partner, and put so much stock in just ONE EFFIN DAY of our entire lives and think that will be when our lives are perfect. How unhealthy is that! That will just cause you to cry on your wedding night, like Brittany Murphy's (RIP) character in "Just Married," when she wails, "This is our wedding day. And it's something I fantasized about my whole life. And now it's over."

I'm not saying these things to say, "Well, life sucks no matter what so stop thinking you'll be happy if something happens...because you probably still won't be." What I AM saying is that, no matter who you are, you will have days when you're sad and days when you're happy. While you are so busy looking at other people's lives and thinking, "I wish I had what they have," there is someone else, looking at your life, and thinking the same thing about you.

Instead of thinking, "I will be happy if..." we need to start working on feeling happy now, with what we already have. And, instead of letting all of your happiness ride on other people and things you can't control — like if the manager at the job you applied for decides to hire you, if you'll be approved for the house you put in an offer for, if you'll meet the love of your life, if your partner will propose, if your pregnancy test is positive, etc. —instead, do things you can control that will make you happy.

Medium writer Elizabeth Collins said, "There is nothing wrong with wanting nice things. But if you always feel like you need something more to be happy or 'good enough,' that’s a problem. When you’re preoccupied with what you should have, the people who can give you those things have all the power. You don’t see how much power resides inside of you."

So how do you do this? According to the mental health nonprofit Help Guide: "Researchers in the field of positive psychology have found that you can genuinely increase your happiness and overall satisfaction with life—and it doesn’t require a winning lottery ticket or some other drastic change of circumstances. What it takes is an inner change of perspective and attitude."

"While we can’t change our nature, we can train our brains to be more positive. ... Just as dwelling on negative things fuels unhappiness (and plays a big role in depression and anxiety), choosing to notice, appreciate, and anticipate goodness is a powerful happiness booster."

Stop thinking 'I'll be happy if...'

It's the start of a New Year. For many, it's also the time of year when you start obsessing over how to "better" yourself....

It's the start of a New Year. For many, it's also the time of year when you start obsessing over how to "better" yourself.

"New year, new me" becomes your mantra as you rush to the gym, subscribe to a new diet plan, start a juice cleanse, etc. And, while I'm not diminishing the importance of focusing on your health or making goals for your future, please STOP thinking there is something wrong with you that needs to be fixed.

As someone who struggles with anxiety and self-esteem, it's not just January when I think something is wrong with me that needs to be fixed. I am constantly berating myself — calling myself stupid or ugly or worthless. And, at the beginning of the year, when "change" seems to be the word on everyone's lips, it feels like my normal insecurities are amplified.

So, I urge all of you to make only one resolution this year: To start accepting yourself as you are.

And I know, I know, that's easier said than done. So here are 10 practical ways to increase your self-confidence, especially if your insecurities are spurred by mental illness:

1. Stop comparing yourself to others

When I Googled "How to increase self-confidence," nearly all articles only gave advice on how to increase your self-confidence in your inner self. I will go into that later, but, seriously, who are we kidding? The media constantly makes us feel like we have to look a certain way, so it's no wonder that a majority of our insecurities are focused on the way we look.

Dating coach Stefanie Safran wrote on wikiHow, "Be skeptical of the media. Remember that the media's portrayal of the body is designed to make you feel bad about yourself because that is what gets you to buy products and new clothes. Not only are the body images portrayed not average, they are often helped by digital enhancement using software like Adobe Photoshop. People who recognize this and are more media savvy often have better self-perceptions."

It feels even harder when we scroll through Instagram and we only see perfect selfies and faces that look alike (there's a name for this phenomenon —the "Instagram face"). Celebrity makeup artist Pati Dubroff told New York Magazine, "Social media is the worst thing that’s ever happened to the beauty industry."

There are so many editing apps at our disposal today that, with just a click, you can slim your face, plump your lips and get rid of your pores. So, whenever you find yourself comparing your looks to those on social media, start repeating these three words like a mantra — IT'S NOT REAL!

One thing that's helped me is following Instagram influencers who focus on confidence and body positivity — and unfollowing those who make me feel worse about myself. Some of my favorites are @grayhairandtattoo, @selfloveliv, @kenziebrenna, @danielleisanxious and @celestebarber. They have helped me see how beauty can come in all shapes, sizes and ages, and that what's most beautiful are the things that make us different —and not the alterations people make to try and look the same.

2. Focus on the things you do like about yourself

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses — things they like about themselves and things they don't. Stop giving so much weight to the things you don't like about yourself. Instead, make a list of the physical features and traits you like about yourself and things you've accomplished in your life. If you're struggling to think of things, then ask the people closest to you, "What's something you like about me?" and write those things down.

Keep the list close to you, maybe folded in your wallet, hanging on the refrigerator, written in your daily planner, etc., and add to the list whenever you do something that you're proud of. Whenever you're feeling particularly self-conscious, get out this list and read it over.

3. Wear what makes you feel comfortable

Did you know that feeling uncomfortable significantly reduces your self-confidence? I can attest to this. I have a problem with letting go of clothing that doesn't fit me. And sometimes I'll even purchase clothing that's the size I want to be instead of the size I am. And then I will force on my too-small pants and feel awful about myself and uncomfortable for the rest of the day.

And, ya know what? There's an easy fix to this problem. Stop wearing/holding onto clothes that don't fit!

"We often overlook the shame induced by our closets. We let a two centimeters high number printed onto a one inch wide tag dictate our value," said Heather Creekmore, founder of the Compared to Who podcast and blog. "No matter what size you are wearing today, there are great clothing options out there that look nice. So don’t punish yourself by not allowing yourself to spend money on clothing in your current size! ... This is a mind game that doesn’t work. It keeps you trapped and depressed and shamed."

4. Identify triggers and thought patterns

Identify the conditions and situations that tend to affect your self confidence. The Mayo Clinic identified these thought patterns that erode self-esteem:

Jumping to negative conclusions with little to no evidence to back it up, such as "My friend didn't reply to my text so they must be mad at me."

Having an all-or-nothing view, such as, "If I don't succeed at this task, I'm a total failure."

Turning positives into negatives and rejecting your own achievements, such as,"I only did well on that test because it was easy."

Confusing feelings with fact, such as, "I feel like a failure so I must be a failure."

Undervaluing yourself, putting yourself down or using self-deprecating humor.

Then, flip these thoughts on their head.

Be conscious of your negative self-talk and realize it's your mental illness talking and not fact. Practice thinking of logical and positive explanations when you find your thoughts drifting to the negative, like, "My friend didn't reply to my text because they're busy right now," or "If I don't succeed at this task, then I'll try again or do things differently next time," or "I accomplished something because I'm a freaking bad-ass" or "Just because I'm struggling with my self confidence and I feel like a failure, that doesn't mean I'm actually a failure."

5. Forgive yourself

Everyone makes mistakes. Every single person in this world. Your mistakes are not a reflection of who you are as a person, and they do not determine your worth. Start treating yourself and talking to yourself like you would your best friend, and start showing yourself some compassion.

"Stewing in remorse isn't a productive way to cope. As difficult as it may seem, letting go of guilt and shame is a necessary part of moving on from any mistake or embarrassment. Even if we can't change how someone else reacts to a situation, we can always change our own outlook," journalist Caitlin Abber writes in Oprah Magazine.

"Whether they’re accidents or bad judgement calls, learning to process feelings of guilt and avoid those of shame will prevent us from reacting in a way we might regret, or worse, continuing to feel bad for something we can’t change."

6. Ditch the people in your life who don't support you

A 2018 study found that people with low self-esteem tend to surround themselves with people who put them down. Amy Morin, LCSW, editor-in-chief of Verywell Mind, said, "When others put them down, their words are in line with what the person with low self-esteem thinks about themselves. And it gives them a twisted sense of comfort as they believe, 'You see me the same way I see me.'"

Evaluate the people you surround yourself with, and, instead, give your time and energy to the people who make you feel loved. And, no matter how hard it may be, a crucial step in the journey to self-love is ditching those people who make you feel bad about yourself.

Raise a middle finger in the air because, as much as you may tell yourself otherwise, you do not deserve the way they are making you feel. Life is short, so stop wasting your time on people who make your life worse.

7. Learn to accept compliments

Does anyone else get really awkward when you're complimented? Do you automatically blurt out something like, "Ugh, no I'm not." By doing that, we're denying ourselves the pleasure that can come from a compliment. Someone is saying something nice about you and trying to lift your self-confidence, and you're just swatting it away like a fly.

Instead, force yourself to say "Thank you!" and suck those self-deprecating words back into your mouth until, one day, it will feel natural to accept compliments.

"The next time someone tells you that you did a good job, don’t argue with them about why that it isn’t true. Count to three, feel grateful and say thank you. Then, send some positivity back into the world and let yourself ride out the positive feeling a little longer," writes Risa Williams, licensed psychotherapist, on L.A. Parent.

8. Listen to music and dance around the house

When I'm working from home, I'm alone and there's no noise in the house, that's when I get inside my brain and start to feel the worst about myself. One way I've found to quickly elevate my mood and confidence is to take a break from work, turn on an upbeat song and dance like a crazy person around the entire house.

"Music has been a form of escape for many of us. Now that life as we know it has changed so much and what we know has pretty much been drawn to a halt, listening to music has become a means to feel better about myself and the reality of the world. There’s so much uncertainty to drown out, and I’m listening to these songs more closely, taking in the subtle message that everything’s going to be okay ‘even in my years to come I’m still gon’ be here’ like Destiny’s Child would say," writes Tami Makinde, editor of the Native Magazine.

9. Let yourself be lazy

If I spend a Saturday in bed for 12 hours and then the rest of the day on the couch, binging Netflix, I will completely berate myself for not accomplishing anything. But the thing is, letting yourself be lazy is a form of self-care. It can be a way of treating your depression or recharging yourself after the work week. So, let yourself be unapologetically lazy!

The only thing that's a waste of time is the time you spend telling yourself that you're wasting time. I've spent so many hours and days of my life obsessing that I'm not accomplishing enough or that my life has no purpose. I recently saw a tweet by user @Melatoninlau that really comforted me: "Some indigenous cultures believe we're alive just as nature is alive: to be here, to be beautiful and strange. We don't need to achieve anything to be valid in our humanness."

10. Talk to a professional

You know what helps me the most when I'm feeling bad about myself? Taking my meds. Sometimes, no matter what we do to try and feel confident, our body dysmorphia won't go away. And that's because it stems from a chemical imbalance in your brain that won't just disappear with positive thinking. And that's where making an appointment with a psychiatrist or a counselor comes into play.

A good place to start is to seek advice from your primary care physician, who can treat mental health issues or refer you to a psychiatrist or therapist for additional help. For Michigan residents, you can also find resources by calling/texting Common Ground's 24/7 crisis line at 800-231-1127. If you or someone you know is considering suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.

New Year doesn't have to mean 'New You'

It's the start of a New Year. For many, it's also the time of year when you start obsessing over how to "better" yoursel...

Mary Whiton Calkins

Mamie Phipps Clark

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Anna Freud

Mary Ainsworth

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Melanie Klein

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Make Going Outside Convenient

Ski Trip In Boyne Falls

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mental Health Effects of Book Bans

Shaping My Workspace

Seeking A Therapist

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

1. Stop comparing yourself to others

2. Focus on the things you do like about yourself

3. Wear what makes you feel comfortable

4. Identify triggers and thought patterns

5. Forgive yourself

6. Ditch the people in your life who don't support you

7. Learn to accept compliments

8. Listen to music and dance around the house

9. Let yourself be lazy

10. Talk to a professional

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