Meant to Live

What David Bowie's death can teach us about living

Many of us woke up this morning to the devastating news that, on Sunday, rock legend David Bowie died at age 69 following an 18-month batt...

There is one concept in life that, throughout my 27 years, I still cannot seem to grasp — that many people treat others badly who don't deserve it.

So, in my brain, whenever anyone treats me badly, talks down to me, makes fun of me, etc., my automatic reaction isn't what it should be. My reaction should be, "What the hell is wrong with them???!" Instead, my reaction is always, "What's wrong with me?" Instead of thinking, "Wow, I deserve better than this," I think, "Maybe if I act a certain way or maybe if I apologize, this person will stop."

But, in reality, by accepting bad treatment, I have encouraged these people to keep treating me badly. After all, if I react kindly to someone else's unkind words, why would they have any reason to stop?

So how can you stop being treated like a doormat?

The most important thing is to stop believing you deserve to be treated like this. When you lessen your own value, you let others devalue you as well. This is something I need to remind myself of everyday — I deserve to be treated with respect. But telling myself this and actually believing it is easier said than done.

Here's some tips on how to recognize your value and realize you deserve to be treated better:

Give yourself credit for your achievements.
Stop being such a people pleaser. Taking time to be generous with yourself is NOT selfish.
Be confident in yourself and your own feelings. If you have a bad feeling about someone and think you aren't being treated like you should, trust that feeling. Your instincts are more reliable than you may think.
Talk to others about what's going on. Sometimes when you're isolated with the person who is treating you badly, it's easy to believe everything he or she is saying because you have no outside opinion. Time and time again, my friends are the ones who have made me see the light when they've told me, "Seriously?! He/she did WHAT?! You don't deserve to be treated that way at all!" And chances are your friends will have a story about when they were treated less than they deserve. Because, yeah, it does happen to everyone.
Lifehack.org gives this advice — "RAISE YOUR EXPECTATIONS!" After a certain number of times of being treated badly, you may start to expect people to treat you badly. Stop expecting it! According to the website, "If you’re going to have any expectations about how things should go, base them on what you’d love to see happen, not what you wish wasn’t happening."
If you keep getting treated like a doormat, then you need to stop contact with this person. According to Lifehack.org, "Life is way too short to have your experience of it and your self-esteem damaged by someone else, and sometimes you need to make a brave choice. If you need to, be willing to remove yourself from the situation or relationship and start building the kind of life you’d love to live."

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If you've read my blog, you know that, in the last couple years, I have decided to start publicly talking about my anxiety. But yesterday, something happened that's never happened to me before. I had a public panic attack.

I was at a bar with a couple of friends when, all of the sudden, I burst out crying (which later turned into sobbing). I felt a tight pressure in my chest, my face felt warm and I was breathing quickly. My brain was thinking, "Oh my god! There are people around! Stop it!" But, psychically, there was nothing I could do.

My friends, who I've met since moving to Lansing, had to witness this -- a side of me only a handful of people have seen in my entire life. I kept repeating how I was an awful person and how I hated myself and saying that I didn't deserve for them to be so nice to me. And, even though they would compliment me, my anxiety was stronger than their words and I wouldn't believe them.

Yet they stuck by me and didn't judge me. And I didn't notice a single person at the bar look at me like I was a crazy person.

When I went outside for some fresh air and, more or less, started hyperventilating on the sidewalk, nearly everyone who walked past me asked if they could help. One stranger even went in to the bar and brought me out a cup of water.

My friend Frank helped me regain control of my breathing by instructing me to slowly breathe in and out. He told me to focus on my feet instead of focusing on thoughts that would add to my panic (which definitely helped calm me down), and he and my friend, Kate, gave me a big hug to show me I wasn't alone. Afterward, Kate brought me to her apartment, made me hot chocolate and assured me that she would always be there for me and that, no, I wasn't crazy.

My mom, without knowing what was going on, texted me "I love you" during my panic attack (definitely proof that there is an unspoken mother/daughter connection). And, when she felt like something was wrong, she called me immediately.

Last night restored my faith in humanity, and I want to say thank you to Kate, Frank, my mom and the strangers who offered to help. You don't know how much that meant to me.

I share this story because I know a lot of people are afraid of letting people see their mental illness. But, if you let people in, they may surprise you. Last night showed me that, maybe, people are finally becoming more accepting of mental illness, and that, more often than not, others will help you and not judge you.

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I think one of the most challenging things in dealing with a mental illness is telling others about it -- and hoping they don't judge you.

Sure, it's not like you have to tell everyone about it. And some people go their whole lives without telling anyone they suffer from mental illness. But, when you're around someone long enough, they are bound to see your mental illness shine through. And, for me personally, trying to hide it only makes it worse.

Joyce Burland, PhD, of the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI), told WebMD, "The silence helps maintain the ignorance about mental illness. ... As an advocate I could say that it would be wonderful if everybody came out. But it is a very subjective decision and you have to consider the consequences."

While mental illness is becoming more accepted, still, people react differently if they see you have an asthma attack or go into diabetic shock than when they see you demonstrate an obsessive compulsive behavior, have a panic attack, or any other symptoms related to mental illness. Many times people still don't view the latter as an illness that you can't control.

Here are some tips from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration on how to tell someone about your mental illness:

Initially, it's good to tell someone who you trust.
Educate yourself about your mental illness so you can be ready for questions and concerns from those you tell.
Practice disclosure with a trained professional. This way you can discuss any worries you may have.
If you're telling an employer, wait until a reasonable accommodation is necessary. The Americans with Disabilities Act forbids companies from firing people with mental health conditions as long as they can do the “essential functions” of the job as determined by the employer.
Remember, you are in control of what you disclose. Never let someone pressure you into disclosing more than you're willing.

I know it can be scary and you may be worried that you will be judged if you disclose your mental illness. But your mental illness is a part of your life -- something you have to deal with on a daily basis. And if someone can't accept you for this, then it's their loss and you don't need that kind of person in your life. Always remember that, no matter how others may react, never start judging yourself. Your mental illness is just that -- an illness that you didn't choose.

Disclosing your mental illness to others

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It's the week after Thanksgiving. Which means, if it hadn't started already, businesses are now playing non-stop holiday music; neighborhoods are decorated with red and green lights; and your Facebook wall is filled with pictures of Christmas trees and little kids on Santa's lap.

For some it's the most wonderful time of the year. For others suffering from mental illness, dealing with the death of a loved one, loss of a job, etc., Christmastime is anything but.

Last December, I had recently gone through a brutal break-up. And while going to holiday parties where most family members were accompanied by a significant other, the heartbreak felt even more severe (although my bank account appreciated it).

Here's some advice from Blue Care Network of Michigan on how to deal with seasonal depression during the holidays:

Don't overbook yourself.

Don't say yes to every single invitation. You may not be able to go to every Christmas party you're invited to, and that's okay.

Seek companionship.

While you shouldn't stress yourself out, also -- even more importantly -- make sure not to spend the holidays alone. Participate in a community event or schedule time to spend with your friends (and, if you just went through a break-up, have a girls or guys night -- no significant others allowed. This was a life saver for me last year.)

Volunteer.

If you're dealing with financial pressures, forego the presents and instead, donate your time to those less fortunate. This can help lift your spirits and help you make new friendships.

Try something new.

Habit or routine can also contribute to the rut you're in, Blue Care Network reports. Suggest Christmas Day sledding or learning how to ski this holiday season, for example.

Keep healthy habits.

Eating a lot of cookies and drinking a lot of spiked eggnog isn't going to help you feel better. According to studies, a diet high in fat increases depression and anxiety. Instead, Blue Care Network suggests eating healthy snacks before going to a party so you're not as hungry. Also, squeeze in a workout whenever possible.

Try light therapy.

Serotonin levels increase with exposure to the summer sun -- a major reason why moods tend to be more elevated during the summer, reports Medicine Net. According to some researchers, light therapy may help to alleviate symptoms of depression faster than antidepressant drugs. Check out some light therapy on Amazon.

Ask for assistance.

You don't have to deal with your depression and pain alone. See a therapist, call a crisis line or join a support group. To find a support group near you, visit www.griefshare.org. The group is also hosting a special "Surviving the Holidays" seminar.

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According to a survey of 1,000 business owners and CEOs, 35 percent said being depressed is an acceptable reason to call in to work.

Radio hosts Dave & Chuck the Freak addressed this on a recent show (Listen here at 32 minutes and 33 seconds). They were baffled that anyone would call in sick for being depressed or anxious. Dave said his boss would probably hang up on him after saying, “You’re calling into work because you’re sad?” and “Snap out of it.”

“I would just try to take a Xanax and calm down and deal with it,” Dave said. “I would be judged as the crazy depressed guy.”

Dave & Chuck the Freak

One listener, Cheryl Lynn, wasn’t too thrilled about the hosts’ take on mental illness and made a video response on her YouTube channel.

“I want it to be known that what you guys said is part of the problem. It’s part of the stigma that’s associated with mental health,” said Cheryl, who was in the Final 4 in WRIF’s Rock Girl contest. “I have depression. I have anxiety. … It can be because of a chemical imbalance. There’s nothing you can do about it. You can’t ‘pull it together.’”

“The world needs us all to come together to find a solution and to be OK to talk about mental health just like we’re OK to talk about cancer. … Too many people are killing themselves because they feel like they can’t talk about it because of this negative stigma.”

Cheryl Lynn

She stressed that she is not asking people to boycott the station and that she will still listen to the show every day. But she called what they said on the show “unacceptable.” She said that someone who is depressed or anxious is not any less than anyone else who is sick.

“It is a disease and it does need treatment. It needs to be taken seriously,” she said.

While working at The Oakland Press, I called in sick once because of a rough bout of depression. It was so bad that I physically felt sick. I only got two hours of sleep the night before, I felt like I was going to throw up, and I had a splitting headache. I honestly felt like I couldn’t drive, even if I wanted to.

I told one of my bosses the truth about why I wasn’t coming in to work. And she let me talk to her about what was going on and provided resources for me to seek help. That’s how a boss should react – not say, “Get over it.”

I had four sick days left for the year when I asked for that day off. I feel that, as long as you have sick days available, then it doesn’t matter if you are sick mentally or physically. You have the right to that time off. Sicknesses should be treated equal; you would never be judged for calling in with a flu -- although, I don’t know about you, but I would hands down rather have the flu than depression.

Is depression an acceptable excuse to call in sick to work?

According to a survey of 1,000 business owners and CEOs, 35 percent said being depressed is an acceptable reason to call in to work. ...

What David Bowie's death can teach us about living

Just because someone treats you badly doesn't mean you deserve it

Carrie Fisher isn't only Princess Leia, she's a real life super-heroine

My public panic attack restored my faith in humanity

Kevin Hines: One of 1% who survived jumping from Golden Gate Bridge

Disclosing your mental illness to others

Advice on coping with the holiday blues

Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson talks about his battle with depression

Veterans and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

How a text message can save a life

How to stop being a worry wart

Lady Gaga launches social media initiative -- #IamNotJust

Is depression an acceptable excuse to call in sick to work?

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