Meant to Live

'Love is being yourself'

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As a psychology minor in college, one of the first studies we learned about in class was Harry Harlow's famous monkey experiment in the late 1950s.

Harlow wanted to prove wrong a previous theory that the only connection between mother and child is for food and safety. And so deprived baby monkeys were given a choice — to hang on to a fake monkey, made of soft terry cloth, or one made of wire with a baby bottle attached to it. And although it didn't have any food, the baby monkeys still spent significantly more time with the cuddly "mother" than the wire one.

Harlow concluded, "These data make it obvious that contact comfort is a variable of overwhelming importance in the development of affectional response, whereas lactation is a variable of negligible importance."

I am sharing this because I think, for all mammals, including humans, it's in our basic DNA to need others. No matter how independent and strong-willed you may be, I can guarantee that every once in a while, you get an unexplainable longing just to be held, comforted and told, "Everything is going to be alright."

And I don't think seeking the comfort of others makes you, in any way, weak. The world may tell you, "Toughen up" and "The only person you need is yourself," but we were meant to live in a community. Like the lyrics to the 1964 song "People," sung by Barbra Streisand, "People, people who need people are the luckiest people in the world."

I have always believed that the ability to swallow your pride and know when you do need help makes a person strong — not weak. It is unhealthy to be emotionally cut off from other people.

I know — trust me I know — that it is hard to let others into your life for fear that they will hurt you. Because yes, when you do seek the help of others, there is a chance you will be let down because people are not perfect. But that doesn't mean you should just give up on people either.

Last month, I dealt with a bout of depression. And thanks to the help of my family, my friends and a Common Ground volunteer, I have come out on the other side. Without them, I would probably still be in that dark hole, not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. But they showed me that sometimes, the love and support of others can cure you — or at least make life not feel so hopeless. And it that's not enough proof that we need other people, then I don't know what is.

If you need someone to talk to, call Common Ground's 24/7 support line at 1-800-231-1127. They can refer you to a psychiatrist or a counselor if you need professional help.

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Today is World Suicide Prevention Day.

Just yesterday, a suicide victim jumped from an overpass on I-696 around 3:30 a.m. in Farmington Hills. On Saturday of last week, an Independence Township man, who was in the middle of a divorce, was found hanging by a belt inside his closet. And the body of Matthew David Lyzen, 23, of Rochester Hills was found earlier this month, with a self inflicted gunshot wound to his head, after he went missing seven months ago.

Suicide has become an epidemic, and each time I hear about someone taking his or her life (which seems like it's on a daily basis lately), it breaks my heart. Suicide takes the lives of nearly 40,000 Americans every year, according to the organization Suicide Awareness Voices of Education, and is the second leading cause of death among people age 15-29.

I think, in the last decade or so, there has been an astounding step in the right direction when it comes to suicide prevention and awareness. But we are not there yet because there is still a stigma against mental illness.

When the world starts understanding that, just like cancer or diabetes, mental illness is a disease just the same and when people stop using the words "crazy" or "retarded," that's when I think the stigma will significantly decrease. That's when people will stop being ashamed to seek help. And then many of these needless deaths can stop.

If you had a tumor, would you just sit there and wait for it to take over your body and spread? No, you would go to the hospital and fight like hell to survive. Mental illness is the same thing. Go to the hospital. Treat it. Get help and stop thinking you can cure it on your own. It's not something you can just wish away — just like you can't just wish away a tumor or any other disease.

The local nonprofit Common Ground released this statement on their Facebook page today:

"People thinking of taking their life by suicide often feel terribly isolated; because of their distress, they may not think of anyone they can turn to, furthering this isolation. Please help get the word out—anyone and everyone can turn to Common Ground. We will be there for you. It all starts with a simple phone call: 800-231-1127. Or you can text us at 248-809-5550. By sharing this post with all your friends, you are helping us pull together as a community to address this very serious problem."

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I've learned that there are people in this world who will criticize you and make you feel like there is something wrong with you. And it's difficult not to start believing them and not to start wondering, "Should I change who I am? Am I really as flawed as this person makes me out to be?"

In my life, I have been guilty of changing who I was for someone else. Trust me, this is not something I am proud of.

But through this experience, I learned an important lesson. I learned that there will be people who come in to your life and will try to change the person you are and mold you in to the kind of person they think you should be.

When this happens, you need to know that, in no way is it your fault. Each person in this world is unique, and if someone can't accept the things that make you uniquely you, then it's that person's loss.

So, I challenge you to leave a comment, telling me all the things you love about yourself. And, the next time someone tries to make you feel bad about yourself, remember the things you love about yourself.

I recently finished watching the show "Sex and the City" all the way through for the first time, and, in the last episode, the character Carrie Bradshaw said, "The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you that you love, well, that's just fabulous."

That is a quote I need to live by. I need to remember that anyone who doesn't love the me that I love just isn't worth it.

Here are some of the things that I love about myself, and I challenge you to do the same. Stop thinking about the things you don't like about yourself and instead think of the things that you love.

1. I love that I'm not afraid to say what I feel.
2. I love that I help people with their problems and that I care about making others happy.
3. I love that I don't care what strangers think about me. I have no problem dancing in the street or telling jokes that may make some people feel uncomfortable but most people laugh.
4. I love that, when I do love someone, I give my entire heart.
5. I love that I am the kind of person who doesn't give up.
6. I love that I live on my own and that I can take care of myself.
7. I love that I am a hard worker and that having a job I love is more important to me than the amount of money I make.
8. I love that I believe in forever.
9. I love that I am able to use what I've learned in my life to help people with mental illnesses.
10. I love that I am not ashamed to ask for help if I need it.
11. And I especially love that there is no one else in the world exactly like me.