Meant to Live

Earlier this month, I went on a two-week vacation from Michigan to Florida, which meant leaving snow, gloom and temperatures in the 30s and 40s for sun, beaches and temperatures in the 70s and 80s.

You would think, with getting time off work and going some place warm, I would be ecstatic. But, in fact, I was anything but.

That's because I struggle with travel anxiety.

Whether by plane, train or automobile, some causes of travel anxiety may be a fear of flying, worry about traffic accidents, a loss of control in unfamiliar environments, logistical worries about planning the trip itself, and challenges of being away from the comforts of home.

If I want to psychoanalyze myself, I can probably trace my vacation-related anxiety back to a trip I took to London when I was 19. The first day, my wallet was stolen. I lost my ID, my credit cards, my recently converted British pounds, and all my pre-paid tickets to events. Since I've had generalized anxiety disorder pretty much since I emerged from the womb, this event only exacerbated the anxiety I already had.

Now, I become an anal-retentive mess during the days and weeks leading up to a vacation. I become obsessed with the thought of forgetting or losing something. Add on having to worry about packing for a 7-month-old baby, instead of just myself, and this obsession reached astronomical levels this time around.

It also doesn't help that I tend to focus on worst-case scenarios. We traveled by car to bring all of our infant's necessities, and I kept thinking, "What if we get in a car accident? What if the baby screams the whole 20+ hours? What if the car seat hurts his developing body?" And, then, obsessively Googling best practices for long car journeys with a baby.

I won't lie and say that traveling with an infant was a walk in the park, but, of course, none of my worst-case scenarios happened either. While it is good to be prepared, getting stuck in a cycle of catastrophic thinking is usually unproductive and causes unnecessary distress.

I know it's easier said than done to just "Stop worrying." But, if you experience travel-related anxiety like me, here are some tips I've found that help ease my worries:

1. Make a list of all the things you are going to need, and check off the items as you pack them.

2. Pack the things that aren't easily replaceable first, like your driver's license, prescription medications, or eye glasses. Remind yourself that anything else you may forget, like underwear or a bathing suit, can be purchased while you're there.

3. Find a TV show/movie you're excited to watch, a book you're excited to read, or an audiobook/podcast to listen to if you're driving – and save it for your trip. It may help you actually look forward to traveling.

4. When a "what if" thought pops into your head, try and ask yourself, "What is the actual likelihood of this happening? What evidence do I have to support this worry? What are some more realistic outcomes?" For instance, if you're scared of flying, remind yourself that the chance of this happening is minuscule – around a 1 in 11 million chance.

5. Also, remember that prepping for the worst-case scenario isn't always a bad thing. For me, it was helpful to do research before our trip to make sure my son was safe on our long drive. I also make sure my bags are never unattended, and I downloaded the Waze app to see any upcoming traffic delays and alternate routes (and where police may be hiding...shhh....)

6. I tried to focus on the positives of my trip, like being able to put away my winter coat and wear shorts for the first time in 7 months, seeing out-of-town family and friends, and not having to take my baby boy to day care for two whole weeks.

A vacation is supposed to be a good thing. It's supposed to be a much needed break. So remind yourself to take advantage of it because, if all you do is worry, you'll forget to actually relax and recharge – the whole point of getting away in the first place.

How to combat travel-related anxiety

Earlier this month, I went on a two-week vacation from Michigan to Florida, which meant leaving snow, gloom and temperatures in ...

Forgetting your phone is in your back pocket and dropping it in the toilet. Running over a curb and popping a tire. Locking your keys inside the house. Knocking over your coffee and spilling it all over the carpet.

Yes, these are all mistakes I have made before. In fact two of these mistakes — running over a curb and locking myself out of the house — just happened to me last week. And, with my anxious brain, I end up spiraling every time I make a mistake (especially when, because of that mistake, I have to pay for a new phone or tire). I will start thinking, "You're so stupid. You're a waste of space. How do you even function in the world? Everyone would be better off with you."

While you may think I'm being overdramatic, mental illness isn't really known for being logical. But one thing I try to do when I'm feeling this way is remind myself that these everyday mishaps happen to the best of us.

Mistakes, like dropping my phone in the toilet, don't define who I am. It's just...a wet phone. And, while it may be frustrating — and expensive — I have to practice self compassion and realize it doesn't make me a failure as a person.

There are also plenty of outside factors and life changes that can affect the amount of mistakes we make. If you are making more mistakes than usual —*raises hand* I know I am —it could be for a reason.

Why you may be making more mistakes than usual

For me, my life has recently been flipped on its head— ya know, the whole having a baby and keeping another human being alive thing. And, yes, that can definitely have a huge effect on the number of mistakes you make.

That's because the demands of caring for a baby can lead to disrupted sleep and physical exhaustion, which can impair memory, concentration, and decision-making. On top of that, I'm breastfeeding, which can burn up to 500 calories a day, which is comparable to a vigorous workout like running five miles. This energy demand, combined with hormonal shifts, can drain mental focus, which can also lead to occasional forgetfulness or lapses in judgment.

Other things that can make you more likely to make mistakes include stressful life events, hormonal shifts during pregnancy or menopause, fluctuations in cortisol and testosterone levels, and changes in medication. Dietary deficiencies, like a lack of essential nutrients such as vitamin B12 or iron, can also impair cognitive abilities.

All of these things can affect the number of mistakes you make, and none of these things make you stupid. This isn’t a reflection of a lack of capability but rather changes that may have happened in your life, such as being slammed at work, going through a break-up, losing a family member, becoming a parent, adjusting the dose of your antidepressants, and even just typical aging.

Mistakes make us human, and these moments give us stories to tell (or, in my case, gave me an idea for a blog). Mistakes also help us to learn. You better believe I've never put my phone in my pocket again when going to the bathroom — or put my phone on the edge of the bathtub (another example that ended badly for me).

If you do make a mistake more than once, that doesn't mean you should beat yourself up over that either. I am definitely guilty of spilling liquid on the floor my fair share of times (it especially hurt my soul when that liquid was breast milk I just pumped). But mistakes like these are not dangerous or life threatening — they're just inconvenient.

Remember to put things into perspective whenever you make a mistake and give yourself some grace. Life is messy for all of us, and that's okay.

Practice self-compassion when you make a mistake

Forgetting your phone is in your back pocket and dropping it in the toilet. Running over a curb and popping a tire. Locking your keys inside...

I've heard other parents try and commandeer the terms "Mom" and "Dad," acting like pet parents don't deserve these titles — especially on Mother's or Father's Day.

I didn't agree with it then. And, now that I am the parent of a human, I don't agree with it even more. As the mom of a human, I can say with certainty that I wasn't any less of a mom to my two cats. And, after the death of my first pet, it really does feels like I lost part of my family.

Working from home, I spent more time with my cats than, literally, anyone else. Katniss' name was one of the words I said most every day, and now, three weeks later, I still catch myself about to call her name or thinking I see her out of the corner of my eye.

I don't think it's talked about enough how traumatic the death of a pet can be. After all, when it comes to losing an animal family member, there's one thing you don't experience with anyone else – the fact that you're able to decide when they die. You're able to hold them and look into their eyes, knowing they’re about to take their last breath. And I feel like people don’t acknowledge how completely disheartening that whole experience actually is.

For me, I tortured myself, wondering if I made the right decision for Katniss. And, even now, I sometimes wonder – how much longer could I have kept her? Did I cut her time short? Would she still be here right now if I hadn't make that decision?

I know I can’t think that way. Katniss lost about half her body weight in the last year. She had mammary cancer which spread to her lungs and, during her last appointment, the vet thought it had spread to her stomach – which was why, even though she seemed to have a good appetite, she wasn’t gaining any weight.

The vet recommended that we put her down that day, but I decided to wait another 24 hours. For anyone else going through this, I’m not sure what I would suggest. But, for me, I wanted to be able to take the day off work and have time to say good-bye. It was the most difficult 24 hours I’ve ever had – but I also don’t regret it for a second.

Whenever I catch myself wondering if I made the right decision, I remind myself of this advice from pet behavioralist Jackson Galaxy: "Never on their worst day."

Despite everything else, I was able to make sure Katniss' life didn't end on her worst day. She had a pretty good last day, actually, where she ate tortellini with chicken and cream cheese sauce and watched what she wanted on TV — birds and squirrels on YouTube. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make, but I think it was also the greatest final gift I could've given her —to no longer have to suffer and to not die alone.

Katniss had a peaceful death – passing away while lying on my lap, about 20 seconds after she was injected. And I know the reason it happened so quickly and why she was content instead of scared was because I was there and because, no matter how much I tried to talk myself out of it, she was ready to go.

Dealing with disenfranchised grief

Another reason the death of a pet is so particularly hard is because, as Jackson says in this video, you're experiencing “disenfranchised grief" – a type of grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially validated, or publicly mourned.

“You’re afraid (your grief) will be dismissed, it will be devalued, or you’ll be scorned or laughed at,” Jackson says. “If you have lost an animal family member, in our society at large, you have been disenfranchised. You know what that feeling is.”

You don’t get bereavement time off work, and people don’t typically send flowers or hold a memorial service or any of the other things we usually do to honor the end of a life.

“There are millions and millions of people around the world who have lost an animal and have not known what to do with that grief," Jackson says.

It's definitely been hard for me to know what to do with my own grief. I've tried to find the cat-equivalent of "Marley and Me" to help me cope. Or maybe a movie like "John Wick" where an assassin goes on a revenge spree because of a cat. But I couldn't find anything.

Per my husband's suggestion, the only thing that's really helped me get through this time has been Jackson Galaxy's YouTube channel. And one piece of advice he gives in his video Grieving your Cat or Dog is to write it down.

"This is who I lost. This is how I lost them. That's important. Just write it. ... That's called naming and claiming your loss," he says.

So, that's what I'm doing now. Writing it down.

Who I lost

I met Katniss 13 years ago when visiting an animal shelter to help a friend pick out a dog. I was always more of a cat person, so I decided to stop in the cat room when I was there. After sitting down in the middle of the floor, almost immediately Katniss approached me and sat on my lap. And, as I sat there, she would swat away every other cat who dared to come near me.

Volunteers were in awe. They told me that Katniss had been at the shelter longer than any of the other cats and that this was the first time she had ever approached anybody on her own.

Katniss was understandably weary of humans after her previous owners threw her out the back of their car in the driveway of the shelter — with no carrier or anything — and she spent a week lost outside before volunteers could find her. But, for some reason, she wasn't weary around me. Katniss picked me — not the other way around — and even though I hadn't planned on adopting a pet that day, there was no way I could leave without her.

I never had a pet as a child, except for goldfish, so Katniss was my first. For years, it was just the two of us. She was there as I navigated being an adult for the first time after college. She was there for four moves, three jobs, two break-ups, and one marriage.

Even though Katniss was a big cuddler with me, she was pretty anti-social when it came to visitors. She especially hated my ex-boyfriend. Often, when he came over to my apartment, she would spend hours under the bed so she wouldn't have to interact with him. But I will always remember one time when he was over, I had food poisoning, and I was violently throwing up. And, even though he was there, Katniss tentatively ventured out to sit beside me in the bathroom to check in on me.

She always had this intuitive sense for when I needed her most, and she was always there for me, even when it was uncomfortable for her. We were even both diagnosed with anxiety disorder, and, when my mental health was at it's worst, Katniss is what kept me going because I knew she needed me.

How I lost her

Back in May 2024, Katniss and our younger cat, Finn, stopped getting along — even though they had been getting along for the past seven years. Finn had started chasing and pouncing on Katniss, and Katniss had started screaming whenever she saw Finn.

So, we took Katniss to the vet, and after running blood tests, we were told everything was fine. The vet thought the change in our cats' behavior was probably because I was pregnant and this had heightened their protective instincts.

But in October — a month after the birth of our son — the cats' behavior hadn't changed. We had also noticed that Katniss was starting to act lethargic and was losing an abnormal amount of weight. So, we took her to a different vet. That's when we found out that she had an aggressive form of cancer that had likely been present but undetectable when we got her checked out the first time.

The vet gave us the news that any pet parent dreads — that Katniss only had, at most, one month left to live. I was devastated. But, after putting her on steroids and pain medication, she was acting more and more like herself and was even getting along with Finn again.

I thought that maybe it was a miracle. I thought maybe, against all odds, she would survive this. But, even though her appetite had returned, no matter how much she ate, she still wouldn't gain weight. Over the holidays, she also stopped using her litter box, and her spine had started to protrude from her back.

So, on the Tuesday after New Year's Day, we took her back to the vet and found out that her intestines were inflamed, which was a sign that the cancer had spread to her stomach.

I know that, in the end, I'm lucky she lived two months longer than expected — although, right now, I feel anything but lucky. I also know, while right now I never want to feel this way again, it was worth it to have Katniss in my life. It may sound cliché but I know I am better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all – especially when it comes to her.

Now what?

So, now that I've experienced this type of grief, what do I do?

Well, one thing I've done is cry. And I mean cry A LOT. And that's okay. It's okay to let yourself grieve and not to apologize for how you grieve or how long you grieve. As Jackson says, "It’s so absurd to think that, at some point, you just get to the top of grief mountain. ... Don’t get over it. Because that’s just a construct that somebody else put on us."

I also think it's important to memorialize who you lost. I think that's part of the grieving process that's often overlooked when it comes to pets, but it's just as important.

I have one friend who set up a memorial for his cats in his home with their photos, ashes and a statute of St. Francis of Assisi, the patron saint of animals. I have another friend who is putting her dog's ashes in a necklace so she can carry her around, wherever she goes. Another friend told me that she has her pet's urn on her nightstand, and she talks to him before she goes to bed at night.

I have also found that it helps to talk about it. Talking about it helps get rid of that feeling of “disenfranchised grief." I'm thankful to have a community of people on social media who reached out to me since Katniss' death — and thankful to my co-workers who even gave me a sympathy card when I came back to the office. Each of you made me feel like my grief was valid.

There are also pet bereavement groups you can join. Click here for pet loss resources in Michigan, or search online for pet bereavement groups near you.

“When a community comes together, when they mourn together, it is so much easier than mourning by yourself. Now, more than ever, this is something I think we all need to get our heads, our hands and our hearts around – for humans, for animals, for all of us," says Jackson.

It's OK to grieve the loss of an animal family member

I've heard other parents try and commandeer the terms "Mom" and "Dad," acting like pet parents don't deserve the...

Whether you believe in God or the Big Bang Theory, we can all agree that reproduction is necessary for the continuation of the human race. But, considering that the fate of humanity depends on procreation, I've realized, since becoming a mom myself, that God or Mother Nature or whoever could've made things a bit easier for us.

For one, why are newborn babies approximately the size of a watermelon when they have to squeeze out of a hole smaller than a lemon? As you can tell, I have some beef with the man (or woman) upstairs who made that engineering decision. Especially after 4.5 hours of pushing out an 8-pound 11-ounce baby.

While I won't get into that, I am going to talk about the problem I have with the changes parents go through, both cognitively and hormonally, after having a child.

Tell me, who thought it would be a good idea to put someone in charge of keeping a new person alive while, at the same time, rapidly dropping their estrogen and progesterone levels and making them more prone to depression? It's like your boss telling you, "Hey, I know I hired you to take on this new job, but I'm not giving you electricity in your office. Best of luck!" Because yeah, sometimes it really does feel like I'm in the dark.

We are not set up for success when we decide to become parents. For me, while I love my son and I love being a new mom, bawling my eyes out about once a day has really put a damper on the whole experience. And then I feel guilty because I know I'm lucky and I should be happy.

But then I remember – it's actually not my fault. For those of you who are new parents who are also feeling depressed, anxious and/or overwhelmed, please know it's not your fault either. It's biology's fault.

So, what can you do if you're feeling this way post-birth?

Seek professional help

First and foremost, as I always say, it's important to reach out to a healthcare professional.

For my husband and me, we started couples therapy a couple weeks ago. While fathers may not go through the same changes as the mother, their lives still go through a huge transformation after the birth of a child. And, like women, men may also experience hormonal changes, gray matter reduction and, of course, sleep deprivation. That's why I think it's important for both the birthing person and their partner to seek support.

Get enough sleep

Speaking of sleep, it's essential to the mental health of new parents to get enough rest —which I know is easier said than done. What I've found helps in these early months is not turning a one person job into a two person job. For instance, when I'm feeding our baby at night, my husband will often want to stay awake with me to keep me company. And I'll tell him, "No, go to sleep! I can handle this! Just return the favor tomorrow!" It only takes one person to feed/change/rock the baby to sleep, so it's important to switch off these duties so you aren't both going without sleep, which doesn't help anybody.

Give yourself grace

Your body won't look like it used to. And your house definitely won't be as clean as it used to be — probably ever again. You'll probably be late to outings more often than not. And you may find yourself struggling to keep up with your social circle. Don't beat yourself up; after all, your whole life just completely changed. Give yourself some grace in figuring things out and finding your new normal.

Make time for yourself and other adults

It's also helpful to make time for fellow adults. During maternity leave, while spending hours upon hours alone with a baby who obviously can't speak English, my brain felt like it was turning into mush. That's why I tried to get out of the house as much as I could, whether it was going to a lactation support group with other moms or just walking a couple laps at the mall with a friend. And, while I dreaded returning to work at first, now I can tell it's helping my mental health to talk with other adults everyday and to feel like my own person again.

While the new title of mommy or daddy is an important one, it's also important to retain your own sense of identity. For me, it can be rough feeling like a milk-making machine, instead of an actual human being, and to always be thinking of someone else's needs over my own. But, as my husband always reminds me, you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others with theirs.

Postpartum changes aren't easy for anyone

Whether you believe in God or the Big Bang Theory, we can all agree that reproduction is necessary for the continuation of the h...

There’s a famous saying that goes, “Women become mothers the moment they know they’re pregnant. Men become fathers the moment the child is born.”

But, in our family, it’s been the opposite. My husband became a father the moment he found out I was pregnant. For me, I’m not there yet.

This can be taboo for women to admit – when it shouldn’t be. While many women do fall in love with their unborn babies as soon as they see the two pink lines appear on their pregnancy tests, for others, it doesn’t happen quite that way. And that’s okay; it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you!

For me – someone who struggled with anxiety even when I wasn’t pregnant – I’m constantly nervous that something bad will happen. And that’s made it difficult to get too attached. Before every gynecologist appointment, I prep myself for bad news, which makes it hard to let myself actually get excited about the baby.

Another reason for not feeling that immediate connection is because pregnancy is hard! It can be difficult to feel this outpouring of love for an unborn baby who, obviously at no fault of their own, is causing hormonal changes, nausea, aching joints, lightning crotch, exhaustion and more. For me, sometimes I get so consumed by the here-and-now that I lose sight of what the end result is going to be.

It can also be hard to feel connected with someone you’ve never met before! Even though my baby is inside of me, I don’t actually know him. I don’t know what he looks like or what it feels like to hold him in my arms or when his birthday will be or even what his name will be for sure. So, he still feels like just an abstract idea. I keep having to remind myself, “There’s an actual human growing in my belly!” because, still, seven months into the pregnancy, it doesn’t feel real.

While it’s easy to feel alone in these feelings, know that it’s very normal. Statistics show that at least one in four pregnant women feel little attachment to their unborn child. Some common reasons include physical discomfort; a mood disorder, like depression or anxiety; unplanned pregnancy; previous loss; and/or a fear of the unknown.

In a personal essay for Elle Magazine, former tennis player Serena Williams shared that she, too, struggled to bond with her daughter before she was born.

She wrote, “Throughout my pregnancy, I’d never felt a connection with her. While I loved being pregnant, I didn’t have that amazing Oh my God, this is my baby moment, ever. It’s something people don’t usually talk about, because we’re supposed to be in love from the first second.”

“I kept waiting to feel like I knew her during pregnancy, but the feeling never came. Some of my mom friends told me they didn’t feel the connection in the womb either, which made me feel better, but still, I longed for it.”

Not having this connection may make you nervous about how you’ll feel after the baby is born. But it’s common for parents not to connect with their baby until after the birth or even months later. It’s a process that takes time, but most parents – about 95% according to a study in the Upsala Journal of Medical Sciences – get there within the first six months of a child’s life.

So, stop feeling like there’s a way you should feel during your pregnancy. Every pregnancy is different. Just because you have these feelings before your baby, that has no precedent over the kind of mother you’ll be after the baby is born!

How mood disorders and physical discomfort can affect bond with unborn baby

There’s a famous saying that goes, “Women become mothers the moment they know they’re pregnant. Men become fathers the moment th...

Wow, so the last time I wrote a blog was four months ago – when I talked about doing Dry January! And while everything I wrote was true, I may not have been completely honest.

While I did do Dry January, I’ve also been doing Dry February, March, April and May… because I’m pregnant! And that’s why I’ve taken such a long hiatus. Because, well, pregnancy is a lot harder than I thought it would be!

If I’m being honest, I really didn’t prepare for this at all. I’d always been on the fence about having children of my own. When I saw other people’s babies, I never had that tingle in my ovaries, thinking, “Oh my god! I want one!” Instead, I thought, “Oh, he/she is cute…okay, that’s enough, you can have them back now!”

But, for my husband – just like some people you meet and know they were born to be a singer or a scientist or whatever – I’ve always known that he was born to be a dad someday. Without a doubt, I knew that’s what he was meant to do.

So, being with someone I could actually picture having a child with for the first time, I decided to “take out the goalie” (aka stop taking my birth control) soon after we got married – thinking, “Okay, whatever happens, happens!” Not knowing how my 35-year-old uterus would react, I thought I’d have time to prepare. But that ended up not being the case as, the very next month, I watched as the word “Pregnant” appeared on my plastic test.

Don’t get me wrong, I realize how lucky I am that I didn’t have to struggle. I know for so many people that’s not the case. But, when it happened for me right away, I was not mentally or emotionally prepared AT ALL, and I had not weaned myself off my anxiety medication like I thought I would. So, all of the sudden, I had to cut myself off cold turkey. And, let me tell you, it was rough.

I knew I was supposed to be ecstatic about the news, but instead, I felt so depressed that I, honestly, just wanted to die. Now I know that was because, on top of all the changes going on inside my body, I was also going through withdrawal. And, while it took some time to figure it all out, I found ways I could take care of myself and my mental health while being pregnant.

There are still meds you can take

I found out from my gynecologist that I could keep taking my daily Celexa medication while pregnant. Celexa is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI). Certain SSRIs are an option during pregnancy because they aren’t linked to birth defects, and they have been proven to pose the lowest risk to unborn babies compared to other antidepressants. This has helped me continue to regulate my mental health throughout my pregnancy.

Unfortunately, I did learn that the Xanax I was taking is a “Category D drug," meaning it could lead to complications for my baby, such as miscarriage, developmental abnormalities, preterm delivery and dependence on the drug after birth. My gynecologist advised that I stop taking that and also stop taking Trazodone, which I used to help me sleep.

My gyno told me that a good alternative for Trazodone is the over-the-counter drug Unisom, which is considered safe during pregnancy. And, while it took about a month for the Unisom to work – since I was still getting used to being off Trazodone – it has really helped me sleep ever since. If that doesn’t work for you and you need something stronger, other safe options for pregnant women are imipramine or amitriptyline, which can be prescribed to you by a doctor.

Sadly, there isn’t really a safe drug comparable to the fast-acting effects of Xanax. But there was one thing my gynecologist told me that helped me feel a little better. After the first trimester, she said, “You can still take Xanax once a month AT MOST in case of an emergency!” (Note: MAKE SURE to ask your own gynecologist before doing this). I’ve only taken advantage of this advice once since finding out I was pregnant – taking a 10 mg Xanax when I was about to have a full-blown panic attack in the middle of the office. But just knowing it’s there if I need it – even if I don’t actually use it – has felt like a relief and has helped me cope, at least more than I did when I thought it wasn’t an option at all.

Let others support you

I realized that besides, obviously, cutting out medication cold turkey, there was something else that was really harming my mental health during my early pregnancy. And that was keeping it a secret.

While many people choose to wait 12 weeks to tell anyone, I decided to tell my close family and friends earlier than that because I really needed the support. I realized, why am I waiting when, if anything did happen to the baby, these are the people I would tell anyways.

So, if you’re feeling alone and want to tell your mom or your best friend right away, then do it! There’s no rule for when you should start telling people. Let people support you.

I’ve also learned to ask for help. If I don’t feel good, I have no problem asking my husband to take on my fair share of the chores so I can relax. And I take full advantage of the fact that, if I tell my husband I’m craving a milkshake or a Cinnabon, he will rush out to get it for me. I will also always let a friend or a stranger pick up something heavy for me, and, most importantly, I no longer feel guilty if I have to cancel plans last minute. Being pregnant is hard work, and you deserve to take advantage of all of the things that make it even the slightest bit easier.

Remind yourself that your fears are normal

As someone with anxiety disorder, my brain perpetually lives in “worst case scenario” land. Being pregnant, it’s even worse, and I find myself actively trying not to get too attached to the baby because I’m scared something bad will happen.

When my stomach hurts, I freak out that something happened to the baby, and when I don’t hurt at all, I freak out that something happened to the baby. When this fear strikes – and it strikes often – it helps to go into a quiet room, lay down, close my eyes, and put my hand over my stomach. I try to focus on the flutters inside my belly to remind myself, “My baby is okay. He’s in there, and he’s moving right now.”

I also try to remind myself that I’m not alone. While being pregnant may seem isolating, it’s something millions of women do each year and will continue to do until the end of human civilization. These fears I’m having, they’re not uncommon, and most women who are freaking out like I am do end up having healthy babies and healthy deliveries.

Instead of Googling, remind yourself of this fact whenever you’re feeling particularly anxious. Continue to get your regular prenatal checkups and talk with your gyno about your worries. Make sure to ask your doctor about medication alternatives, and talk with a psychiatrist or therapist if you need additional help. Most importantly, know that you are doing the best you can, and you have a whole tribe of other mamas behind you who know what you’re going through.

Pregnancy and Mental Illness: Building a new brain while trying not to lose my own

Wow, so the last time I wrote a blog was four months ago – when I talked about doing Dry January ! And while everything I wrote was true, I ...

"When you have social anxiety, the first two drinks don't count. They just turn you into a normal person."

Whenever that meme shows up on social media, I always laugh because...yeah...that definitely describes me (although turning me into a "normal" person is probably a stretch. It's more like those two drinks make me stop caring about acting like a "normal" person). And now that I'm in the midst of "Dry January," I'm even more painfully aware of how true this is.

For those of you who don't know what "Dry January" is, it's when you kick off the New Year by abstaining from alcohol for one month to help reset your body after all the drinking you did over the holidays. My husband's friends have been doing this since I met them, and this year, I decided to join in for the first time.

After my godmother's death shortly before the holidays, to be honest, I'd been drinking more than usual. I was trying to numb the sadness and trying to still be "fun" at Christmas parties. And I could feel myself getting dependent on it. I knew it wasn't healthy, so I figured this would be a good time to take on the "Dry January" challenge — and also a good excuse if anyone bugged me about why I wasn't drinking. But I didn't know how difficult it'd be, even at only a week and a half in (though, to be fair, I did start on New Year's Eve instead of Jan. 1, which was definitely rough).

So, what have I learned so far? Well, it's only heightened my awareness of how awkward I can be, and how much I use alcohol as a social lubricant. It's also made me question everything I say before I say it, and it's made me super self-conscious of being boring in conversations.

I know I'm not alone; it's common for those with anxiety to use alcohol to cope with stress and to help them feel more comfortable in social situations. But it's also important to take a break from alcohol every once in a while for the sake of your health — and to consider cutting it out completely if drinking impacts your everyday life.

So, if you have anxiety like me, and you're struggling to do Dry January — or Dry February, March, April, May, etc. — what should you do? NOTE: These tips are not for those struggling with alcohol use disorder. If you think you have a problem with alcohol or are having withdrawal symptoms, please talk to your doctor or call the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357.

First, remind yourself that you'll feel worse before you feel better.

For those who are regular drinkers, a sudden change in this habit will likely cause you to feel irritable and possibly depressed. That's because alcohol does temporarily relieve your anxiety, so when you stop, the hormones rebound and spike to higher levels than before, the New York Times reports. The time it takes to rebalance your hormones varies depending on how much you drink, but, for moderate drinkers, your body's balance will begin to be restored within a few weeks.

So, while you may feel like throwing in the towel on this challenge by the first weekend of January, remind yourself that you won't feel this way forever. In the long run, drinking to inhibit your anxiety is a vicious circle — drinking to feel less anxious, feeling more anxious because you've been drinking, and then drinking more to stop feeling anxious about drinking. But give it some time and you'll enjoy not waking up with the thought, "Oh no, what did I say/do last night?!" And, once you give it a shot, maybe you'll realize you actual enjoy your conversations with friends more when you're sober (and that you'll be more likely to actually remember what was said).

If you're struggling more with the societal pressures of drinking than actually not drinking, sometimes it helps to give your hands something else to do (get your mind out of the gutter, I don't mean anything dirty). Sometimes, I struggle at parties just because I don't have a drink in my hand or don't have something to sip when there's a lull in the conversation. But there are plenty of mocktails and non-alcoholic beers that can give your hands something to do and make you feel like you're still part of the fun.

There's also nothing wrong with avoiding outings at bars if you're struggling. Prioritizing your own mental health is what's most important. With December being go-go-go all the time, I've already slowed down in January, especially since I'm not drinking. I've spent time getting to know myself again and enjoying time by myself. I've been writing more in my journal, watching comfort movies, catching up on text messages and emails, going to the gym, and getting eight to nine hours of sleep each night.

When you do hang out with friends, there are alternative activities you can suggest doing that don't involve booze, like having a movie or game night, going shopping, going to a fitness class, visiting an exhibit, seeing a play, starting a book club, etc. Bonus: These activities will give you something to talk about — or they'll give you something else to do besides just talking — if you're struggling to be social while being sober.

But, for me, the thing I worry about most is that I'll be boring if I don't drink. After all, I'm often the first to suggest a round of shots and to order cocktail #2 during a night out. And I realized, after putting together a video recap of my entire 2023, that, in most of the clips I selected, I had been drinking. This made me worried — what if not drinking makes me not as fun?

But, as psychotherapist Amy Morin writes on Very Well Mind, "When you walk into a situation believing that you can’t have fun sober, this is likely to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You might even isolate yourself or hold back from having a good time—which will then reinforce your belief (and others) that being sober makes fun impossible."

"(Instead) enter into the situation with a positive attitude, and make the best of your time, even if you’re the only one not drinking. You might actually find that being sober is more enjoyable than you predicted."

And, to be honest, yes being around a bunch of people who are drunk when you are sober probably won't be as much fun as if you were drunk too. But that's not because you're boring. It's because being drunk numbs your senses to make you think you're having fun.

Author William Porter writes in his book Alcohol Explained, “Alcohol doesn’t make things more interesting; it makes your mind stupid so that things that would otherwise have bored it are suddenly enough to occupy it.”

Before you knock it, get to know the person you are without alcohol. Spend your weekend mornings doing something productive, instead of staying in bed until late morning/early afternoon with a hangover. Think about the goals you've wanted to achieve that you may have been putting off. Revel in how much healthier you feel when you cut out the 100 to 300 calories per cocktail, and the money you're saving when you're not spending $10 to $15 per drink.

And, even if you are doing this for only a month, studies show that the benefits last even longer. It provides the opportunity to form new habits and can lead to a significant reduction in alcohol consumption in the future.

“The objective of Dry January is not long-term sobriety — it’s long-term control,” Richard Piper, the CEO of Alcohol Change UK, the nonprofit that first started Dry January told the Washington Post. “It’s about understanding your subconscious triggers, overcoming those, and learning how good it is to not drink. It gives you the power of choice for the rest of the year.”

The struggles of doing 'Dry January' when you're socially anxious

"When you have social anxiety, the first two drinks don't count. They just turn you into a normal person." Whenever that meme ...

Yesterday, I discovered something that doesn't help my mental health. And it's something a lot of people actually swear by. Of all things, I found out that a coloring book — yes, a coloring book — actually made my anxiety worse, not better.

I know, I know, many people find coloring with crayons or markers, like they did as a child, to be soothing and therapeutic. There have even been scientific studies done about the health benefits of coloring. That's why, when my anxiety was particularly bad last night, I thought to myself, "I should try out this coloring thing!"

I dug a coloring book and markers out from a drawer, and for a couple minutes, I was like, "Yeah, okay, this is helping!" But that feeling didn't last. Every time I colored slightly outside the lines, my anxiety grew worse. And then I tried to mix colors, and the colors started bleeding together. Although it was probably salvageable, I went into a tailspin, started hyper-fixating, and, naturally, completely destroyed it.

After about an hour of this, I forced myself to put that mess of a coloring book page back into the drawer. Then I proceeded to berate myself, calling myself incompetent and telling myself I was wasting my life away.

I know it's freaking ridiculous! All over a COLORING BOOK! A coloring book that, ironically enough, is titled "Peace and Calm Coloring." But that exercise in mindfulness turned out to be an exercise in a meltdown for me.

After taking the time to calm down (and, of course, taking a Xanax), I realized it's okay that something which helps a lot of other people doesn't, in fact, help me at all.

Learning how to take care of your own mental health is not a one-size-fits-all solution. It's trial and error, and it's a process. Writing, listening to music, dancing around the house, taking a hot bath, watching a comfort movie, and, for some reason, doing the dishes — those are the things that help me. They may not help you, and that's okay.

The only way you can figure out what helps and doesn't help your mental health is to try it out. Buy a coloring book and try it out. A lot of people have found that it reduces stress, stimulates creativity, and increases mindfulness. And, even though it didn't work for me, it may help you.

Also, remember that something that helps your mental health one day could not help the next. Maybe, if I give it another chance, coloring could help me like it did when I was a kid. Maybe it just wasn't helpful with this particular panic attack. Or maybe coloring with crayons instead of markers would help. I won't know until I try.

Other common activities that may help reduce your anxiety include:

Quick bursts of movements, like doing 20 jumping jacks or running in place when you start to feel anxious.
Practicing mindfulness by focusing on your senses. Close your eyes and really taste your coffee in the morning. Light a candle or use essential oils and breathe in the scents. Focus on your sense of touch by using a fidget spinner or popping bubble wrap or holding onto an ice cube.
Moving your phone out of reach. If I find myself doom scrolling on social media, sometimes I will throw my phone across the room (onto the soft surface of the couch, I'm not an animal!) to make myself stop.
Taking a walk outside. Even if it's cold outside, bundle up and go outside, because daily sunlight and fresh air have been proven to increase serotonin levels.
Try journaling. If I'm feeling particularly anxious, sometimes I will start writing in a stream of consciousness, which often helps me identify my feelings. That's actually how this blog started —me just scribbling in my journal.

Self care is a journey. Sometimes it's a pain the ass to discover what works and doesn't work. It takes a lot of learning and a lot of patience, but it's worth it.

Let me know in the comments what works — and doesn't work —for you.

Learning how to take care of your mental health: It's not a one-size-fits-all solution

Yesterday, I discovered something that doesn't help my mental health. And it's something a lot of people actually swear by. Of all t...

As a kid, I used to find comfort in re-watching movies and TV shows. I've lost count of the times I've watched "The Little Mermaid," "Wizard of Oz" and old "Full House" and "Boy Meets World" episodes.

When I became an adult, I stopped doing this (with the exception of watching the "Barbie" movie three times this year). With such an overload of media, it feels impossible to keep up-to-date with everything I want to watch, let alone have time to re-watch old stuff.

But, I've found that when I'm feeling depressed or particularly anxious, I will revert to that old childhood habit of watching movies and shows I've already seen. And, when I'm feeling like this, sometimes watching something new will actually make me feel worse.

I know I'm not alone; it's a common phenomenon for people with anxiety to re-watch movies and TV series, re-read books, and re-listen to podcasts. But why is that? I think it's because their familiarity provides comfort. There are no surprises; we already know we love it because we've already seen it.

There's nothing worse, in the midst of an anxiety attack, to watch a new movie, and you end up HATING it. Or, even worse, a dog or a cat dies in the movie. Even when the movie is good, you may be too anxious or sad to pay attention to it, so you zone out during entire scenes and have no clue what's happening.

So, it makes sense that someone with anxiety would find comfort in this routine. When someone watches the same show multiple times, their brains process it easier than it would something new, according to The Guest House treatment facility.

"Their cognitive abilities are constantly cluttered by their worries. They have less cognition to give to any activity. Re-watching a show takes their brain less focus and cognitive effort to achieve the same effect," they write.

For me, after the death of my godmother, life in general has felt uncertain and out of my control. As a result, the only reprieve I've had is while watching movies/shows I've already seen and reading books I've already read. Maybe it's because it's the only thing that feels predictable to me right now.

I don't have the mental capacity to get to know new characters or follow along with new plots. Instead, I want to catch up with characters who feel like old friends, and I want to know that everything will work out for them at the end of the movie or episode. I know that Dorothy will, in fact, go home after clicking her heels together. I know Sam and Dean from "Supernatural" will defeat that vampire, werewolf, demon, etc. And I know that Kevin McCallister will outwit the burglars in "Home Alone."

"Nostalgia can lend us much-needed context, perspective and direction, reminding and reassuring us that our life is not as banal as it may seem. It also tells us that there have been, and once again will be, meaningful moments and experiences," psychologist Neel Burton told the Huffington Post.

So, if you are rewatching something, don't feel like it's a waste of time. Just like sleeping isn't a waste of time, rewatching something has a way of re-energizing us after we feel depleted. And, doing something that makes you feel better — I would never consider that a waste of time. We all have different ways of coping, and I think anything that makes your life even the slightest bit easier is worth it.

What are your favorite movies and TV shows to rewatch?

Some of mine are "Never Been Kissed," "The Holiday," "13 Going on 30," "Freaky Friday," any of the "Spiderman" movies, and, of course, "Wizard of Oz." Let me know in the comments what yours are!

Here are some of the answers I got from you on social media:

- "The Nightmare Before Christmas"

- "The Birdcage"

- "The Choice"

- "The Longest Yard"

- "Gilmore Girls"

- "Schitt's Creek"

- "New Girl"

- "How I Met Your Mother"

- "Parks and Rec"

- "Friends"

- "The Office"

- "Fleabag"

How re-watching movies and TV shows helps those with anxiety

As a kid, I used to find comfort in re-watching movies and TV shows. I've lost count of the times I've watched "The Little Merm...

I’m not going to say you should try to be healthy on Thanksgiving, because screw that! This is definitely a day to wear pants with an elastic waistband. And it’s a day to never utter the vilest four letter word of all – diet.

What I am suggesting though is to remember not to overeat.

If a second round of mashed potatoes is passed around the table and you are full, don’t feel bad for saying, “No.” And, if you know pie is coming for dessert, remember not to gorge yourself during dinner.

I’m saying this because I cannot tell you the amount of times I’ve forgotten to do just that. I see all the amazing food, and I'll unhinge my jaw to fit as much inside my mouth as I can. And then, without fail, I feel completely miserable afterward. And, instead of wanting to interact with family members, I just want to curl up on the couch and die.

It’s common to feel depressed, to experience anxiety, and to, overall, just be uncomfortable after eating beyond the body’s need for food.

“Overeating causes the stomach to expand beyond its normal size to adjust to the large amount of food. The expanded stomach pushes against other organs, making you uncomfortable. This discomfort can take the form of feeling tired, sluggish or drowsy,” senior research dietitian Erma Levy tells the MD Anderson Center.

One way to avoid overeating is to make sure you eat a normal healthy breakfast the morning of Thanksgiving. I know it may be tempting to skip this meal in an attempt to be able to eat more, but experts say this isn't the solution.

According to InsideTracker, "Research shows that skipping breakfast doesn’t translate into lower daily calorie intake. People that skip breakfast tend to compensate for their lack of morning intake with larger intakes at lunch and dinner. The same is true on Thanksgiving day; however, the foods that you will be compensating with are much higher in calories."

You can also avoid overeating by putting smaller portions of food on your plate. And skip over the selections you are only "meh" about. Don't waste precious stomach space on the foods you don't love.

Then, once you are done with your first portion, wait about 10 to 15 minutes before you go in for seconds. This is about the time it takes for your body to send fullness cues to your brain. After this break in eating, pay attention if you are still actually hungry – or if you’re just eating because the food is there.

For me, I feel like that extra piece of pie that pushes you over the edge just isn’t worth it. If I can go through the day without feeling like I'm going to barf, that is a personal win for me!

Remember to avoid overeating on Thanksgiving

I’m not going to say you should try to be healthy on Thanksgiving, because screw that! This is definitely a day to wear pants with an elasti...

For more than a year, I had been planning a single event taking place on a single day.

It was the summer of last year when we set the date and booked the location for our wedding. Last October when we got our engagement photos taken. January when I picked out the dress I would wear. March when we booked our photographer and DJ. And that wasn’t even the half of it.

The eight months after that consisted of hair and make-up trials, dress alterations, the bridal shower and bachelorette party, making the invitations, picking out decorations, assembling the centerpieces, and more. This all consumed me up until the day of our wedding just a few weeks ago.

Then, in the blink of an eye, it was all over, and I felt like Brittany Murphy’s character from “Just Married” on her wedding night:

Now, it’s back to everyday life. Now, I don’t know what to do with the extra space in my brain that was consumed with wedding planning. And now, the only thing I really want to do is sleep – just go into hibernation like a bear.

I know a lot of people experience this emotional “hangover” after something they’ve been looking forward to is over. It’s the same reason January is deemed the most depressing month of the year – because it’s after the holidays and back to reality. Well, for me, I’m experiencing that feeling two months early.

So, what should you do if, when the thing you’d been planning is over, you suddenly feel unmotivated, listless and maybe even depressed? First of all, know that it’s normal to feel this way; you’re not being dramatic. Mental health professionals have even given this feeling a name: the let-down effect.

"When we think about the process that goes into a big event, including the preparation and anticipation of the event outcomes, it comes along with a lot of dopamine release,” Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick, a licensed professional counselor in Arizona, tells Livestrong. “(Then) all those biochemicals that had been flooding your body with excitement and anticipation start to deplete and are not as active.”

So, after the big event is over or a big project is completed, take the time to rest, like your body is telling you to do. And don’t feel bad about it.

My now-husband and I spent almost the entire weekend after our honeymoon on the couch, binge-watching the show “The Bear” on Hulu. After being so busy for the last several months, it was hard not to think, “How are you doing nothing right now? You don’t have time for this! Stop being lazy!”

But for the first time in a long time, I actually DID have the time to do nothing. Take advantage of that time, and remind yourself that it’s okay to be lazy. You don’t need to feel guilty about it. Your body deserves – and needs – time to relax.

"Rest and breaks are critical to your function, creativity, and overall wellbeing,” Lana Lipe, a licensed clinical social worker in Hawaii, told Livestrong. “Your worth and value as a person isn't conditional, nor is it something you only deserve when you are producing something.”

It’s also important to take time to appreciate what you did. It’s easy in those quiet moments after a big event to focus on the things that went wrong. I will obsess over the little things, like the fact that hair and make-up ran late or that I completely forgot to order the late-night pizza at the end of the wedding reception, like I had promised. Knock that off!

F. Diane Barth, a psychotherapist and psychoanalyst, wrote on Psychology Today, “Few things live up to our fantasies because our fantasies seldom include the problems of every experience. Before my wedding day, my sister-in-law told me to prepare for something really unpleasant to mar the day. ‘It’s inevitable,' she told me.”

Things go wrong; it happens to everyone. Remember, instead, to think about the good things! I will re-watch the videos on my phone of the bridal party laughing, and re-read the comments people posted on social media, saying how much fun they had. And I will remind myself, “Yes! I pulled it off!”

“Remembering and savoring the event, whether it’s through photos or telling people about it, can help keep the experience alive. Even though it’s done, you still have the memory,” says Dr. Shilagh A. Mirgain of the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine and Public Health.

“When you achieve (a goal), you receive something indefinable that is something you always carry. No one can take that away from you.”

Dealing with the emotional hangover after an anticipated event is over

For more than a year, I had been planning a single event taking place on a single day. It was the summer of last year when we set the date ...

Attending a Catholic high school, none of my classmates publicly came out as part of the LGBTQ+ community until after graduation.

I saw, firsthand, how some of my peers would date members of the opposite sex before coming out – and, in turn, how depressed they were while hiding who they truly were or pretending to be someone they weren’t.

That’s why it boggles my mind that some people still believe in the myth that “homosexuality is a choice.”

According to the nonprofit Strong Family Alliance, “Scientific data indicates that sexual orientation is biologically based. Homosexuality is no more a choice or decision than being straight. Asking a gay person, ‘When did you decide to be gay?’ is similar to asking a heterosexual person, ‘When did you decide to be attracted to people of the opposite sex?’”

LGBTQ+ individuals are more than twice as likely to experience depression, anxiety, and substance misuse compared with heterosexual individuals. On top of that, the rate of suicide attempts are four times higher for gay, lesbian and bisexual youth and five times higher for transgender individuals than for their cis peers. Whenever anyone says they think being homosexual is a “choice” – I always bring up these statistics and say, “Does that sound like a choice to you?”

Why are members of the queer population more likely to struggle with a mental health condition? No, they don’t struggle with their mental health BECAUSE of their sexual orientation or gender identity. They struggle with their mental health because of the way OTHERS treat them because of their sexual orientation or gender identity.

According to the American Psychiatric Association, “Like other minority groups, questioning and queer people are often misunderstood, overlooked, and underrepresented in the health care system and societal institutions.”

“Though legal protections have been increasing dramatically, many places do not protect sexual or gender minorities in the workplace, housing, or access to health care. Fears of potential discrimination contribute to some LGBTQ people not seeking the help they need—medically or psychiatrically—in a timely manner, if at all.”

This is why it’s so important, if you’re part of the queer community and you’re struggling with your mental health or just need someone to talk to, that you seek help. By being LGBTQ+, there are a lot of things you have to deal with, such as overt and implicit discrimination, that your cis and heterosexual counterparts don’t. And I know – it’s not fair, and it shouldn’t be this way! But know that you don’t have to do this alone.

You can find a psychiatrist or counselor who is LGBTQ+ affirming by visiting Psychology Today, clicking on the “More” button, and then checking “LGBTQ+” under sexuality. And, even if you’re not LGBTQ+, this is a way to ensure that your psychiatrist or counselor is open and accepting – which, to me, are two of the most important characteristics of someone who I’m blabbering all my dirty laundry to.

The Trevor Project is also a great resource. The organization provides 24/7 crisis support services to LGBTQ+ young people. Trained counselors are available all year round via phone, text or chat. You can call 1-866-488-7386, text “START” to 678-678, or visit https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help.

I understand that trusting and opening up to others can be hard. Afterall, with about 39% of LGBTQ+ individuals saying that they’ve been rejected by a family member or friend, it can be hard to open yourself up to someone else, especially a stranger. But know that there are so many people who are here for you.

That’s why I publicly announce that I’m an ally, why I wear a pin on my jacket that states “You can be yourself with me,” and why I write blogs like this. Because I want you to know that I am a safe space. This is also why psychiatrists and counselors make it a point to share that they are LGBTQ+ affirming. It’s why businesses fly a Pride flag, and why people post a rainbow on their social media – to show that we are here for you, we don’t believe the myths, and we know that being LGBTQ+ isn’t a choice. It's who you are, and we accept you and love you for who you are.

If you are part of the LGBTQ+ community, know that you're not alone

Attending a Catholic high school, none of my classmates publicly came out as part of the LGBTQ+ community until after graduation. I saw, fi...

In the song "Serotonin" by singer-songwriter Girl in Red, she sings, "I get intrusive thoughts like cutting my hands off. Like jumping in front of a bus. Like how do I make this stop."

This is what intrusive thoughts are, but sometimes, people get "intrusive" and "impulsive" confused.

Intrusive thoughts are defined as sudden, involuntary thoughts that are often repetitive and can be disturbing and distressing, while impulsive thoughts and behaviors aren't inherently dangerous. They are spontaneous ideas or quick actions with no thought to the consequences.

"People tend to refer to intrusive and impulsive thoughts interchangeably. The phrase, 'My intrusive thoughts won today,' is even trending on social media, but most of the time it’s not used correctly," writes licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Sarah Gaumer on The Psychology Group.

"Intrusive thoughts are more severe, graphic, and frightening than impulsive thoughts. If someone would act on their intrusive thoughts or if they came true, the consequences would be dire. ... People that have impulsive thoughts may actually like the thought or would find some type of pleasure, satisfaction, or humor from engaging in them. Simply, they do not feel guilty, ashamed, or frozen in fear at having these impulses."

So, if your "intrusive thoughts won," you'd probably be dead or in a hospital or in jail, but if your "impulsive thoughts won," you may just have ragged bangs that you cut yourself.

I've definitely acted impulsively my fair share of times. I've been out with friends and decided, "I want a tattoo," then immediately went to a nearby tattoo shop and got one. While maybe I should've thought more about something that was going to be on my body forever, it's not like my impulsive act was dangerous.

On the other hand, when I get an intrusive thought, it's something like "You should take a kitchen knife and drive it into your chest" or "You should walk into traffic" or "You should put your hand in the garbage disposal." This is obviously completely different than, "I'm gonna get a tattoo!" Intrusive thoughts are dangerous and something I should never ever ever ever ever act on.

For the longest time, I thought it meant something was wrong with me. But, as Kelly Bilodeau, former executive editor of Harvard Women's Health Watch, says, "While intrusive thoughts may be disturbing, they aren’t harmful or a sign that you have a secret desire to do the things that popped into your mind."

Why impulsive and intrusive thoughts are misunderstood

Intrusive and impulsive thoughts do have similarities, so it's understandable why they're often mistaken for one other. They are both fairly common, they can be symptoms of various mental illnesses, they're usually spontaneous thoughts, and they both start with the letter "I" and end with "sive."

If you've experienced either or both of these, know you're not alone. Everyone behaves impulsively sometimes, and intrusive thoughts affect about six million Americans, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America.

But, when intrusive or impulsive thoughts start affecting your daily life, it's important you seek help because it can be a symptom of a mental health disorder. Impulsivity is a symptom of borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, while intrusive thoughts are more likely to be a symptom of anxiety, depression, or obsessive-compulsive disorder.

When to seek help

If your intrusive thoughts are affecting your ability to perform daily tasks and, especially, if you're ever worried you're actually going to act on these thoughts, it's crucial that you seek help from a mental health professional ASAP. Talk to your health care provider to find out what therapy is best for you.

The Mighty contributor Fairley Lloyd said that a combination of medication and therapy helped her when intrusive thoughts were affecting her daily life and even her will to live.

"One of the most important things I learned with therapy that I still take with me today is that not every thought reflects your beliefs. Thoughts are often random and come out of nowhere, but that doesn’t mean you have to entertain every thought you have. And, though it is difficult to ignore them when you have an anxiety disorder, it is possible to overcome the insurmountable responsibility you assign yourself to every thought you have that is not necessarily your own," she writes.

While I've talked a lot about how harmful intrusive thoughts can be, impulsive behaviors can also be harmful. It's not just getting a random tattoo or cutting your hair (although if you're getting so many tattoos that you can't afford basic necessities — yeah, you should probably get help for that too).

For instance, one time when I was angry, I impulsively threw a TV remote across the room. This action didn't hurt anyone — except for that piece of plastic — but it was definitely not a healthy coping mechanism. It led to a huge argument with my fiancé, and was something I regretted immediately after doing it.

If you lack impulse control, you are more likely to have anger and aggression issues, and it can also be a risk factor for addictive and other self-destructive behaviors. Of course, when this happens, that's when impulsivity becomes a problem.

Because impulsivity stems from disrupted neurochemistry in the prefrontal lobe of the brain, medication can help decrease impulsive tendencies, and cognitive therapy can also be beneficial. For more tips on how to handle impulsive behavior, click here to read on article on The Mighty.

If you are struggling with impulsivity or intrusive thoughts, talk to your primary care physician, who can treat mental health issues or refer you to a psychiatrist or therapist for additional help. If you or someone you know is considering suicide, call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

What's the difference between impulsive and intrusive thoughts?

In the song "Serotonin" by singer-songwriter Girl in Red, she sings, "I get intrusive thoughts like cutting my hands off. Lik...