Meant to Live: 2023

In the song "Serotonin" by singer-songwriter Girl in Red, she sings, "I get intrusive thoughts like cutting my hands off. Like jumping in front of a bus. Like how do I make this stop."

This is what intrusive thoughts are, but sometimes, people get "intrusive" and "impulsive" confused.

Intrusive thoughts are defined as sudden, involuntary thoughts that are often repetitive and can be disturbing and distressing, while impulsive thoughts and behaviors aren't inherently dangerous. They are spontaneous ideas or quick actions with no thought to the consequences.

"People tend to refer to intrusive and impulsive thoughts interchangeably. The phrase, 'My intrusive thoughts won today,' is even trending on social media, but most of the time it’s not used correctly," writes licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Sarah Gaumer on The Psychology Group.

"Intrusive thoughts are more severe, graphic, and frightening than impulsive thoughts. If someone would act on their intrusive thoughts or if they came true, the consequences would be dire. ... People that have impulsive thoughts may actually like the thought or would find some type of pleasure, satisfaction, or humor from engaging in them. Simply, they do not feel guilty, ashamed, or frozen in fear at having these impulses."

So, if your "intrusive thoughts won," you'd probably be dead or in a hospital or in jail, but if your "impulsive thoughts won," you may just have ragged bangs that you cut yourself.

I've definitely acted impulsively my fair share of times. I've been out with friends and decided, "I want a tattoo," then immediately went to a nearby tattoo shop and got one. While maybe I should've thought more about something that was going to be on my body forever, it's not like my impulsive act was dangerous.

On the other hand, when I get an intrusive thought, it's something like "You should take a kitchen knife and drive it into your chest" or "You should walk into traffic" or "You should put your hand in the garbage disposal." This is obviously completely different than, "I'm gonna get a tattoo!" Intrusive thoughts are dangerous and something I should never ever ever ever ever act on.

For the longest time, I thought it meant something was wrong with me. But, as Kelly Bilodeau, former executive editor of Harvard Women's Health Watch, says, "While intrusive thoughts may be disturbing, they aren’t harmful or a sign that you have a secret desire to do the things that popped into your mind."

Why impulsive and intrusive thoughts are misunderstood

Intrusive and impulsive thoughts do have similarities, so it's understandable why they're often mistaken for one other. They are both fairly common, they can be symptoms of various mental illnesses, they're usually spontaneous thoughts, and they both start with the letter "I" and end with "sive."

If you've experienced either or both of these, know you're not alone. Everyone behaves impulsively sometimes, and intrusive thoughts affect about six million Americans, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America.

But, when intrusive or impulsive thoughts start affecting your daily life, it's important you seek help because it can be a symptom of a mental health disorder. Impulsivity is a symptom of borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, while intrusive thoughts are more likely to be a symptom of anxiety, depression, or obsessive-compulsive disorder.

When to seek help

If your intrusive thoughts are affecting your ability to perform daily tasks and, especially, if you're ever worried you're actually going to act on these thoughts, it's crucial that you seek help from a mental health professional ASAP. Talk to your health care provider to find out what therapy is best for you.

The Mighty contributor Fairley Lloyd said that a combination of medication and therapy helped her when intrusive thoughts were affecting her daily life and even her will to live.

"One of the most important things I learned with therapy that I still take with me today is that not every thought reflects your beliefs. Thoughts are often random and come out of nowhere, but that doesn’t mean you have to entertain every thought you have. And, though it is difficult to ignore them when you have an anxiety disorder, it is possible to overcome the insurmountable responsibility you assign yourself to every thought you have that is not necessarily your own," she writes.

While I've talked a lot about how harmful intrusive thoughts can be, impulsive behaviors can also be harmful. It's not just getting a random tattoo or cutting your hair (although if you're getting so many tattoos that you can't afford basic necessities — yeah, you should probably get help for that too).

For instance, one time when I was angry, I impulsively threw a TV remote across the room. This action didn't hurt anyone — except for that piece of plastic — but it was definitely not a healthy coping mechanism. It led to a huge argument with my fiancé, and was something I regretted immediately after doing it.

If you lack impulse control, you are more likely to have anger and aggression issues, and it can also be a risk factor for addictive and other self-destructive behaviors. Of course, when this happens, that's when impulsivity becomes a problem.

Because impulsivity stems from disrupted neurochemistry in the prefrontal lobe of the brain, medication can help decrease impulsive tendencies, and cognitive therapy can also be beneficial. For more tips on how to handle impulsive behavior, click here to read on article on The Mighty.

If you are struggling with impulsivity or intrusive thoughts, talk to your primary care physician, who can treat mental health issues or refer you to a psychiatrist or therapist for additional help. If you or someone you know is considering suicide, call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

What's the difference between impulsive and intrusive thoughts?

In the song "Serotonin" by singer-songwriter Girl in Red, she sings, "I get intrusive thoughts like cutting my hands off. Lik...

You can do it. You are loved. Know your worth. You are a bad ass. It’s ok to not be ok. Nothing is impossible.

Doesn’t it give you warm fuzzies just reading these words of encouragement? I’ve had a particularly bad bout of anxiety this week with negative thoughts constantly intruding my brain – but seeing these words helped me feel better.

The words were printed on magnets and temporary tattoos, laid out at a Mental Health Awareness Month event I attended yesterday. Ange Zelenak, founder of the Inkcourage brand and overall bad ass, was giving away these items and encouraging attendees to carry out random acts of kindness, such as saying thank you to a person who has influenced their life.

Even though I just met her yesterday, I want to say thank you to Ange, who helped lift my spirits and bring a smile to the faces of everyone who attended Easterseals MORC’s Empowered Interactive Luncheon.

I volunteered at the event with Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan, where I work, and I was lucky enough to meet Ange and hear her story. In a world where we are constantly bombarded with negative news, self-doubt, and people stampeding over each other in a race to the top, this movement of kindness that Ange has started gave me a renewed faith in humanity. And I hope her story inspires you as much as it did me.

‘It all started because of mental health’

Fresh out of college in 2016, Ange started the brand Inkcourage as a way to help her peers as they emerged into adulthood. Ya know, like applying for adult jobs, moving out on their own, deciding what they’re going to do with their lives, and all the uncertainty that comes during this stage of life. Ange said she went through her own mental health struggles in high school and college and wanted to help others not feel alone.

“After college, it felt like we were all going through something, and we were worried about ‘What’s next.’ It was overwhelming, and I didn’t really talk about it because I didn’t think other people would understand. Then I realized everyone else was going through it too,” said Ange, who graduated from the College for Creative Studies with a degree in product design.

Ange started out designing about 30 temporary tattoos, giving them to one of her friends who was going through a particularly hard time. The tattoos had positive phrases on them to remind her friend that someone cared about her.

“It all started because of mental health. I know everyone is going through their own struggles – whether you want to talk about it or not – and it was really important to me to feel like I was there for other people. A lot of times in my life, I've felt isolated – and I know my friends have too – and I wanted to help others not feel that way. Sometimes we just need other people to remind us of our greatness or how awesome we are,” she said.

Dream Big

For six years, Ange sold her products online and at pop-up stores at Eastern Market and fairs across the state. But, just six months ago, she opened her own shop in downtown Royal Oak. There, she sells, of course, the temporary tattoos, along with shirts, hats, jewelry, coffee mugs, candles, stickers, buttons and more. She also hosts different events where attendees can connect with like-minded individuals while taking part in fun activities, like making candles or eating macarons.

Starting her own business at age 23 and opening her own store at 30, Ange hopes she can help inspire others to follow their dreams.

“I always tell people to go and dream big, and I decided I needed to follow my own advice. This is what I wanted to do – so I’m going to try it. Of course, opening up your own store is really scary, but you need to take risks and go after what you want,” she said.

Some people may talk to their hairdresser or their bartender or their priest about their problems, and Ange has found, since opening the store, she has become that person for people too – a job which she has happily accepted. Even though she’s not a psychologist, she knows firsthand the power that comes from opening up to someone else – even, and maybe especially, to a stranger.

When customers see “It’s ok to not be ok” at her store, they can tell – this is a woman who is accepting. This is a woman who will listen. This is a woman who won’t judge me. And this is a woman I can trust.

“A lot of people tell me their stories and feel comfortable opening up to me. I feel like they’re almost more relieved to tell a stranger than someone they’re close with. I don’t think they need someone to solve their problems; they just want to talk about it. We all need to let it out sometimes,” she said.

You can visit Inkcourage at 220 W 4th St, Royal Oak, MI from 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. Tuesday through Sunday. For more information about Ange, her business and her empowerment movement, visit https://inkcourage.org or follow her on Instagram @GiveInkCourage.

Mental Health Spotlight: Local businesswoman encourages others to believe in themselves

You can do it. You are loved. Know your worth. You are a bad ass. It’s ok to not be ok. Nothing is impossible. Doesn’t it give you warm fuz...

I have noticed something about my anxiety over the years – that, almost every year, it feels like my anxiety heightens around mid-March/early-April.

Each year, it comes as a surprise to me. All of the sudden, I'm feeling overwhelmed and anxious out of my mind – and I think to myself, "What's happening to me?" And then I remember...oh yeah it's the beginning of spring.

But why March and April? I know it's common for the winter months to affect people's mental health. But the spring? When temperatures are finally getting warmer? Why would that affect my mental health?

I know that when someone struggles with Seasonal Affective Disorder, they usually start to feel down in the fall and winter and then they begin to feel better in the spring. For me, my mental health always feels at its worse around November and December, then I'm fine the rest of the winter, and then my mental health plummets again in the beginning of spring. Then I'm feeling better by the end of April into May and during the summer and even into the fall.

But, man, there's something about November and March that hit me hard. And the thing is that seasonal changes – and that means any seasonal changes, not just in the winter – can affect some people's mental health. And that's because, I don't know about you, but change is one of my top anxiety triggers – even if the change is good.

For instance, whenever I've started a new job – even when I'm so excited about the new adventure – I am a freaking anxious mess for at least a couple weeks. The same goes for when the seasons change. Your daily activities may change as the days grow warmer, so it's normal that you may have a bit of an adjustment period for that as well.

According to HealthyPlace.com, "Our circadian rhythms change with the increased length and intensity of sunlight, affecting sleep-wake cycles, energy, and mood. Studies have shown that both suicide rates and manic episodes of bipolar disorder peak during the spring season due to change in our circadian rhythm."

"While it can be refreshing to be able to spend more time outdoors and do different activities, it’s still a change our minds and bodies must adjust to."

It's easy to assume that people's moods have improved because it's now spring, but we still need to check in our friends and family – those who are struggling with their mental health – in these warmer months too.

Bernie Fox, a semi-retired mental health counselor, shared on Medium.com that his son Zac lost his life to suicide in the early spring more than a decade and a half ago. Even though Zac had a history of depression, Bernie said he had no concerns about him contemplating suicide. After all, it was almost Easter, and Zac was looking forward to enjoying time outdoors. The day Zac died seemed to be one of his "better days," so Bernie had no idea it would be the last day he would see his son alive.

"Here is an explicit advisory: The return of sunny days, the fresh air of spring, may negatively affect those having experienced depression during the dark months of winter. ... (I) encourage you to come alongside someone you know is suffering, despite, or perhaps because of, the arrival of spring. To do what you can, even in the smallest of ways, let them know that they are not alone," said Bernie.

Sad in the spring: Mental health challenges can strike during any season

I have noticed something about my anxiety over the years – that, almost every year, it feels like my anxiety heightens around mid-March/earl...

Did you know that women are more than twice as likely to be diagnosed with depression than men?

It shouldn't be all that surprising. Just think of all the things our bodies go through — puberty, PMS, birth control, pregnancy, postpartum and menopause, to name a few. All of these things cause changes in our hormone levels, and this can alter the neurotransmitters that affect our mood.

But it's not just hormonal changes that make depression more likely in women. It's also the inequalities we still face. We still experience a pay gap and unequal power in the workplace, with women holding only 35% of senior leadership positions. Women are also more likely to experience sexual harassment and abuse than our male counterparts. In fact, 81% of women, compared to 43% of men, have experienced some type of sexual harassment in their lives.

Of course, on top of all this, we also experience more body image issues than men. According to the U.S. Office on Women, "This may be because many women in the United States feel pressured to measure up to strict and unrealistic social and cultural beauty ideals, which can lead to a negative body image. ... Young girls and teens are more likely to be praised for how they look than for their thoughts or actions."

The craziest thing of all is that often, these pressures, judgements and ideals are coming from OTHER WOMEN! Umm...seriously? We know what it's like to struggle with everything mentioned above, so shouldn't we have each other's backs? Shouldn't we be able to rely on each other for support?

But the sad truth is that this is often not the case.

I recently saw a photoshoot posted on social media of Millie Bobby Brown and Saddie Sink, the young actresses of "Stranger Things." When I looked at the comments, nearly all of them were comparing the two. "Millie is more beautiful," and "No, Saddie is." And most of these comments were from, you guessed it — women!

I couldn't help but think, "What if either of them read these comments?!" And it made me sick. Why do we find the need to compare women, and why do we feel the need to pit two women against each other? And, even more so, why do we feel the need to constantly comment on the way women look? Not a single comment was about their talent, like, "Wow, these are two amazing actresses!"

Can you imagine if there was an image of two of their co-stars, like Finn Wolfhard and Noah Schapp? Would many — or ANY — of the comments be about which one is better looking? I can almost guarantee that, if there were any comments like these, none would be from men degrading other men's looks. So why do women do it?

I can't even tell you the number of times I've heard a woman find her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend on social media — and absolutely destroy the way she looks. They'll analyze everything about her and make fun of her. I get it, you're mad at the guy — but why do we project this anger onto another woman who did nothing wrong? Why do we degrade her and say things about her we would never want anyone to say about us?

This is wrong, and it's a cycle that needs to stop. Women putting other women down. Women fighting other women over men. Women talking bad about other women behind their backs. Sometimes, we're seriously our own worst enemy.

Think of all that women could accomplish if we just had each other's backs, instead of competing with one another. Of course it's not a cure-all for depression, but I really do believe, if more women supported other women, our mental health would significantly benefit from it.

As women, we need to do better at supporting each other

Did you know that women are more than twice as likely to be diagnosed with depression than men? It shouldn't be all that surprising. Ju...

Over the weekend, I donned a band tee, ripped skinny jeans, and Vans to attend the Emo Night Brooklyn show in Detroit. And, at the event, someone said something that stuck with me —"Emos are the suicidal youth who survived. That's why I love us."

Emo, of course, is short for "emotional." So it's no wonder that many of us who were drawn to emo music as teens grew up to be diagnosed with a mental illness. No, I'm not saying emo music causes depression — but, according to a study by the Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine, it is more likely for depressed teenagers to turn to music for support.

For me, I first discovered emo and pop-punk music in 2003, my sophomore year, when I noticed someone in my class wearing Dashboard Confessional and Lostprophets band tees. I had never heard of the bands but, for some reason, decided to impulsively buy their CDs with my allowance — just based on a random classmate's shirts.

Listening to their music, I was instantly hooked — a love which grew even more thanks to the release of the emo-filled "Spider-man 2" soundtrack in 2004. Even though my family didn't have cable, I would watch MTV whenever we would go on vacation — discovering songs like "Fat Lip" by Sum 41, "Helena" by My Chemical Romance, "Bring Me to Life" by Evanescence, "Ocean Avenue" by Yellowcard and "Sugar We're Goin' Down" by Fall Out Boy.

This was some of the first music I fell in love with on my own, not because my parents or my friends liked it, but because I was inspired by the lyrics — lyrics which I, of course, would doodle in my notebooks or use to caption my MySpace photos. At the time, I didn't really know that these songs were considered "emo." All I knew was that "emo" was a word that "popular" kids used to make fun of their sensitive, shy, eye-liner-wearing peers — a word which I definitely had been called when going through my own depression in high school. So, as a teenager, I thought "emo" was an insult.

According to an article in the Daily Dot, "Much of the impetus behind emo hate mirrors the stigma associated with mental illness — a distinct and serious problem among teenagers. ... When emo is made a target of ridicule, kids who turn to the music while struggling against a mental illness are likewise pushed further from the care they require."

Now, about 20 years later, thanks to the modern emo/pop-punk revival and the fight to destigmatize mental illness, more and more people are realizing that being emotional, struggling with depression, and relating to these sometimes sad and angry songs — it's nothing to be ashamed of.

And now, us teenage outcasts are in our 30s and 40s, and we're self-realized adults who still join together to appreciate the music and celebrate that we survived our collective mental illnesses. While we may not have been cool kids, I think we're pretty damn cool adults if I say so myself.

How emo music helped me realize I had a mental illness

Over the weekend, I donned a band tee, ripped skinny jeans, and Vans to attend the Emo Night Brooklyn show in Detroit. And, at the event, ...

Before I had a name for my anxiety disorder, I thought of it as a demon, possessing my brain. As a child, my anxiety – or the monster in the back of my head – would plague me with intrusive thoughts – like "You should shave off all your hair," "You should walk out into traffic," or "You should tell your parents you hate them" (which of course wasn't true).

I would obsessively think, “If this happens…then this will happen.” Like, while watching the news on a snowy morning, “If you don’t get a snow day today, your dad will get cancer.” Or in gym class, “If you don’t make this basket, you’ll go to hell when you die.” (And trust me, I hardly ever made the basket).

I never talk about this because I always thought it made me crazy. I thought it wasn’t normal. But, after reading author Josh Malerman’s latest novel “Daphne,” it gave me the strength to open up and to realize that I’m not alone.

I related a lot to Josh’s character Kit Lamb, a teenager who struggles with anxiety disorder, has a bottle of Xanax in her nightstand drawer, finds comfort in writing in her journal, and called 9-1-1 on herself the first time she experienced a panic attack. The comparison obviously stops when it comes to Kit’s basketball abilities – but, still, like her, I would also ask the rim questions, whether it was the basketball hoop in gym class or in our driveway.

The book starts with Kit asking the rim, “Will Daphne kill me?” right before she makes the game-winning shot. According to the myth – which the team first heard about the night before the game – Daphne was listening to music in her car and fell asleep before girls from the basketball team closed the garage door on her, and she died from carbon monoxide poisoning. Now, Daphne kills anyone who dares to think of her – specifically targeting members of the girl’s basketball team.

Josh uses his platform to raise awareness of mental health and anxiety disorder through Daphne – the ghost of this 7-foot-tall denim wearing mad woman who is quite literally manifested by anxiety and overthinking. Okay yeah, that’s terrifying – if there was a monster manifested by anxiety, I would definitely be among the first to die. But there was also something therapeutic and hopeful about this book as Josh flipped this idea on its head – making the most anxious person in the story also the most heroic and brave.

As Josh writes in his book, “I can’t stop thinking about Daphne any more than I can stop writing about anxiety. Know what? Watch me now. Let’s just go for it: ANXIETY. See? Doesn’t that feel good? Sure does. Because that’s me and I don’t know who I’d be without it. And guess what? I kinda like me. That’s right. I kinda like the person I am.”

Just like in Josh’s book, when people are told not to talk about Daphne – it’s kind of like growing up and being taught not to talk about mental illness and suicide. I used to think, if you talk about it, people are more likely to die from it. But the opposite is true. When we talk about it, people are more likely to get help. When we talk about it, people are less likely to feel alone. And, most importantly, when we talk about it, we stop thinking that something is wrong with us because of our mental illness. Instead, we start to accept – and even appreciate – that part of ourselves.

As Josh writes, “May you, reader, never keep quiet about the things that need talking about. ... And if you, reader, suffer any degree of anxiety, please know, you are absolutely not alone."

Thank you to Josh for writing this book that has helped me and so many others with anxiety disorder feel less alone!

Author Josh Malerman writes a horror novel about anxiety

Before I had a name for my anxiety disorder, I thought of it as a demon, possessing my brain. As a child, my anxiety – or the monster in t...

It would be awesome to be able to teleport — it would save me a lot on gas, and I could travel the world in the blink of the eye. But when I think about what superpower I would want most, my first thought is something more boring. It's a "superpower" that a lot of people already have — the ability to function on little sleep.

After the holidays, it’s been hard for me to get my sleep schedule back on track. Last night, I got five hours of sleep — staying up until 1 a.m. and waking up a little after 6 a.m. with my body wide awake (my brain was a different story). For some of you, that's probably just a normal day. But, for me, even after two big ol' cups of coffee, I felt physically and mentally drained.

My fiancé can function on little sleep. A lot of people I know can function on little sleep. But me — I am not one of them, even though I wish I was. Just think of all the things I could accomplish if I could survive on four to five hours, instead of my required eight hours of sleep a night.

And, it made me think – does someone with a mental health condition, like my anxiety disorder, need more sleep than someone without it?

According to a 2019 study in the journal Nature Human Behaviour, sleep loss is linked to impaired medial prefrontal cortex activity. The study shows that the deep phase of sleep is a natural anxiety reliever while a sleepless night is shown to raise anxiety levels by 30%.

For those of us who already have an abnormal prefrontal cortex thanks to a mental illness, it’s no wonder that a lack of sleep affects us even more than our neurotypical friends. Even moderate reductions in sleep from night-to-night can result in significant day-to-day increases in anxiety.

According to an article on Anxiety.org, one of the first pieces of advice a therapist should give to a client suffering from anxiety or depression is this: “Go home and commit to getting eight hours of sleep every night this week."

The article states, “The amount of sleep a person gets influences symptoms stemming from mental disorders. For example, disrupted sleep can trigger agitation and hyperactivity in people with manic depression. Even in otherwise healthy people, extreme sleep deprivation can lead to what seems to be a psychotic state of paranoia and hallucinations.”

There are many health benefits that come from committing to seven to nine hours of sleep each night. I’ve already talked about how it can reduce stress. Sleep also helps boost your immune system, strengthen your heart, prevent weight gain, improve memory, and increase productivity.

So, what have we learned today? I've learned that, instead of wishing I could have the sleeping habits of a vampire in “Twilight,” I need to view sleep as a form of self-care. It’s not a waste of time; in fact, sleep helps keep you alive.

If you have trouble sleeping, talk to your doctor. Check out this guide to healthy sleep from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

Do you need more sleep if you have a mental health condition?

It would be awesome to be able to teleport — it would save me a lot on gas, and I could travel the world in the blink of the eye. But when I...

Why impulsive and intrusive thoughts are misunderstood

When to seek help

What's the difference between impulsive and intrusive thoughts?

‘It all started because of mental health’

Dream Big

Mental Health Spotlight: Local businesswoman encourages others to believe in themselves

Sad in the spring: Mental health challenges can strike during any season

As women, we need to do better at supporting each other

How emo music helped me realize I had a mental illness

Author Josh Malerman writes a horror novel about anxiety

Do you need more sleep if you have a mental health condition?

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