I started spiraling in the middle of my birthday lunch with my parents. “Am I annoying? You think I’m annoying don’t you?” I started saying – like an anxious broken record – to everyone around me.
And the thought started repeating in my head, “You only get one birthday a year. And you’re ruining it. Knock it off!” Which, of course, made the anxiety so much worse. Like when you wake up in the middle of the night thinking, “Go back to sleep, you only have three hours until morning” which ends up being counterintuitive and you stay awake that much longer.
I’ve found myself getting particularly anxious on the “special” days, because I put so much pressure on making the day great because it’s only once a year. It’s only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. There’s something so much more anxiety-inducing about a 38th birthday than, let’s say, a 21st birthday. Birthdays are a concrete reminder of how fast time is going, especially as the months tick down to marking my mid-life (*cries in existential crisis*).
But I’ve learned this feeling isn’t uncommon. Great Lakes Psychology Group refers to this phenomenon as “birthday depression,” “birthday blues, “birthday anxiety,” or “pre-birthday depression.” It can stem from social comparison, feeling overwhelmed by expectations, reflecting on age and life progress, and fear of being forgotten or let down.
As Debra Kissen, PhD, clinical director of Light on Anxiety, told Refinery 29, “You can't stop your mind, but you could choose to say, This is where I'm at now.”
“Try to be authentic with yourself, and figure out: what would really be a way for me to celebrate the fact that I'm alive in this moment, and have this opportunity to have the experience of life? Try not to get caught up in the noise."
For me, my parents watched my son for the night, and my husband took me to a Yellowcard, Plain White T’s and Newfound Glory concert. It was a millennial birthday dream come true. I got to pretend like I was in my 20s again, headbanging the night away while listening to early 2000s hits, surrounded by others in their 30s and 40s. For a few hours, I could drown out my racing thoughts while screaming out the words to “Hey There Delilah.”
So, what can you do if you’re feeling anxious on your birthday, or the days leading up to your birthday?
Well, the beauty of a birthday is it’s YOUR day. For me, as a people-pleaser every other day of the week, it’s the one day I can be selfish (well, as selfish as I can morally allow myself be). If you spend the other 364 days of the year managing everyone else's happiness, you deserve a 24-hour pass to focus exclusively on your own.
Here are some tips that Great Lakes Psychology Group shares:
- Create a birthday plan. Think about what you genuinely want to do for your birthday, instead of what you think other people want you to do for your birthday. That could mean going out to a concert – or it could mean having alone time to watch a movie and eat cake in silence.
- Set boundaries. If you find yourself obsessively checking social media, tallying up how many people said “Happy Birthday” to you, maybe set the phone down or even delete the app for the next 24 hours so you can actually enjoy your day instead.
- Have a backup plan. If things fall through, it’s easy to take it more personally on your birthday than if it happened on a random Wednesday. So, come up with a second option if, let’s say, the concert gets rained out – like mapping out a bar or restaurant nearby (bonus points if they have a cover band).
Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and you are worthy of being celebrated in a way that brings you joy. For me, that meant stepping away from my mid-day panic attack to reclaim my day – realizing that my birthday didn’t have to look like an Instagram feed to be meaningful.
I started spiraling in the middle of my birthday lunch with my parents. “Am I annoying? You think I’m annoying don’t you?” I started saying ...
