Why we need to talk about suicide and mental illness
This thought will come into my head, unannounced and
uncontrollable – “Everyone would be better off without you. What’s even the
point of you being here? Don’t you want to stop feeling like a disappointment?
Don’t you want to stop hurting? Then just do it.”
My life is really good. Great actually. So much is going
right for me. Sunday, I had an amazing night, yet, when I got home, I started
sobbing and shaking and rocking back and forth. I thought to myself, “What if I
emptied my bank account, sent the money to my parents and my boyfriend, and then
swallowed all the pills I have in my apartment?”
Yup, that’s what I thought out of the blue. After a good
night.
But, thankfully, I am also very well-versed about depression
and suicide. I know it’s a mental illness. I know suicide isn’t something I
really want. And I know, deep down, that people wouldn’t be better off without
me.
I’ve done my research about this illness I suffer from. In the
midst of a complete breakdown, my real, logical self, comes into my head, like
music breaking through the static on the radio. I tell myself, “You’re not in
your right mind. You don’t actually want to die. Once you do that, there’s no
coming back. I know that’s not what you want. You don’t know what comes after
this life, and you shouldn’t know yet because you’re not done living. Just go
to sleep and you’ll feel better in the morning.”
And so that’s what I did. And when I woke up, that feeling was gone. It felt like it wasn't even me thinking those thoughts, and I didn't understand how I can even consider that.
Why am I telling you this?
Not to freak you out or make you worry or feel bad for me.
The reason is this: First of all, to show that those who do lose
their lives to suicide aren’t in their right minds. They aren’t thinking about
their futures. They aren’t thinking about the people who will miss them. They aren’t
being selfish. Instead, often, they are making a split-second decision because they want the
pain to stop.
I’m also telling this story because it’s important to talk
about it. Being able to talk about it – that’s what’s saved me time and time
again. Being able to reach out on social media and say, “I’m depressed,” and knowing
that I have a support network who will be there for me – that’s what keeps me
alive. That’s what breaks through the clouds of my brain, even on the darkest days.
So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, being human is hard,
and we need each other.
We need to erase the stigma that comes with mental
illness and suicide. We need to talk about how we’re feeling. We need to seek
help when we need it. That’s how suicide can be prevented. That’s how we survive
this life.
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