Saying 'No' can be good for your mental health
If you asked me what I least expected since becoming a mother, it’s not the sleepless nights or the diabolical diapers. One thing I still haven’t gotten used to is how unreliable I’ve become – to everyone except my son.
I’ve always prided myself on how reliable I am. I am a “Yes Girl” through and through, and I always try to be there for the people I love. Almost every weekend is packed full because saying “No” makes me feel like a crappy friend, even if it’s at the expense of my own mental health. Since having a child, though, being a “Yes Girl” all the time just isn’t possible.
Sometimes I’ll have to cancel plans at the last second because my son got sick at the germ factory that is daycare. I’m late to almost everything because of an unexpected poop, puke, or general poor time management (getting yourself and a baby ready at the same time is HARD).
Having to say “No,” and, especially, having to cancel plans makes my skin crawl. I still try to make it to the big things, like the bachelorette parties and the birthdays, but it’s just not feasible for me to make it to every hangout like I used to.
But here’s another thing I didn’t expect: I’d often rather be with my baby. No offense to the other people in my life, but I never knew I could miss someone so much when I’m away – especially someone 36 years younger than me who doesn’t speak English. But he's only this little for so long, and I want to be there for as much of it as I can.
It's been difficult for me, and for other people, to get used to the "new me" though. Sometimes, when I say, "No," people will ask me "Why?" or "What are you doing?" But...do I have to have a reason, besides taking care of my kid?
Saying 'No' even if you don't have other plans
Even if you don’t have a child, you shouldn’t have to feel guilty for saying, “No.” You don’t have to have other plans. Self-care, staying home, and relaxing after a hard week – that is “plans,” and you shouldn’t feel guilty or have to explain yourself for taking time for yourself.
Human beings need dedicated time to recharge in order to function at full capacity. This may mean declining a get-together or even an extra shift at work. Studies have shown that "doing nothing" is crucial for problem-solving, creativity, and memory consolidation, suggesting that time spent simply relaxing is actually highly productive for your brain.
This is something that's taken me a long time to realize and, with a baby, now I'm forced to put it into practice. Below are some tips I've found that have helped me make time for myself and say "No" when I need to:
- Set a dedicated rule for how many times you go out during the week. For me, since having a child, I've made a rule for myself that, at most, I only agree to plans one day a week where my son isn't invited. Any more than that, and I say, "No."
- You don't have to give a reason why. Just say, "I'm sorry, I can't come!" or "I'm sorry, I'm busy that day." If they ask why, just reiterate, "I'm just not able to make it this time, but I hope you have fun." You can also say, "I've been crazy busy lately!" or "There's just some stuff I have to get done around the house!"
- Think about how much energy the event will take. In my 20s, I could go out to a party or a concert every weekend night. Now, I can't. If you know you're staying out late on a Friday night, it's okay to not want to do it two nights in a row. Prioritize your own rest without feeling guilty about it!
- Offer a raincheck. When you have to say "No," suggest a day to meet later. This lets the other person know you are saying "No" to the time, not the person.
- Take a random PTO day from work. Don't tell anyone else. Don't make any plans. Still take your kid to daycare, if you have a kid, and just dedicate the whole day to yourself.
When that wave of guilt hits after saying "No," remind yourself that it is necessary. You are protecting your ability to be present for the relationships and responsibilities that matter most. Saying "No" to a party means saying "Yes" to your family, your mental health, and your energy reserves. This reframing is a powerful tool against the anxiety of disappointing others.
The people who truly love you will understand that it's just not possible to do everything. You are not a bad friend or a bad employee for needing time to breathe, rest, and recharge. Your time is yours, and "No" is a complete sentence. Use it without explanation, and use it without apology.
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