How to stop anticipatory grief from stealing the joy of parenting


Since becoming a mother, I’ve become a hostage to Instagram’s "mom-guilt algorithm" — an endless stream of reels with the sole goal of making parents cry.

They're all about how fast the time with our children goes and how they'll leave us one day. And they always make me sob into my pillow during my nighttime scroll before bed. 

I get the intention. These Instagram influencers are trying to make you appreciate this time, and stop focusing on the little inconveniences, like the meltdowns or the blowouts or the relinquished personal time (And, who are we kidding, also trying to get views). But, for me, thinking this way has done the opposite. 

Instead of living in the moment, every time I hold my son, I think, "He won't always be this small." Whenever he runs up to hug me, I think, "He won't always be excited to see me." Whenever he wants me, over everyone else, I think, "Someday, he's going to pick somebody else over me."

But, as someone with anxiety, I've always been like this. Anxious during my parents' birthdays, instead of celebrating, because I know that means I'm one year closer to life without them (morbid, I know. Sorry, Mom and Dad!) And anxious in relationships because I'm scared of them ending, instead of appreciating them.

That's a common symptom of anxiety. You live in the future or the past, instead of the present. For me, that makes it difficult to enjoy the good times because I'm always anticipating something bad happening.

So, it's no surprise that, after having a child, this dread has increased. It also doesn't help to see all these social media posts, trying to be helpful, but actually making me feel like crap. 

So, how can you start living in the present and start appreciating the moment?

Tips to break the anxiety loop

First and foremost is probably this: PUT DOWN YOUR FREAKING PHONE! (Please do this after you finish reading this blog post 😜)  When you put your phone down, you won't see those depressing social media posts that make you want to crawl into a hole. It's also a lot easier to live in the moment when your face isn't constantly in a screen.

Also, make sure to remind yourself that grieving a future that hasn't happened yet robs you of the joy happening right now. I know this is easier said than done. It's like saying, "Don't picture an elephant wearing a tutu," and, of course, that's immediately what pops into your head. 

But, Ivana Poku, founder of Mums Journey, offers some practical ways to break this mental spiral. 
She offers a free “Letter to Your Child” template with prompts to help you capture the little things about your kids right now and let them see how loved they were in this moment.

Along with her template, she offers a harsh reality check. "I don’t own my children, and how selfish I am when I don’t want them to grow up," she says.

"Remember how excited we were to grow up as kids? It was a great mixture of expectations, the unknown, hopes and dreams. It’s a beautiful stage we as parents are supposed to celebrate and enjoy. The moment I shifted my focus to them rather than me, a whole new world opened up."

Every phase of parenting brings its own magic alongside the mess. Rather than something to dread or mourn, Poku calls it an incredible privilege to watch them form opinions, build friendships, navigate challenges, and discover who they are. There is so much wonder waiting in the chapters ahead if we stop letting our fears block the view. 

Stop dreading the 'maybes'

I've learned that it's pointless to worry about what might happen. Why worry about the death of our parents when we have no idea how much time they have left? Instead, be there while you can. Take the pictures, let them hang out with their grandchildren (if they have them), listen to them, and tell them how much you appreciate them. Be the adult children you hope your own children will be someday.

And it's pointless to worry about your children growing up and moving on. While we know they will grow up —and that's what we want for them, right? — that doesn't mean they're leaving you. That doesn't mean you won't still be their safe harbor. The person they call when they feel alone. The first person they call when their plane lands at the airport. It doesn't mean you'll stop being their best friend.

Whenever I dread my son growing up, I think about actors like Bradley Cooper or Michael B. Jordan, who frequently bring their mothers as dates to red carpet events. Or Tom Holland, who will often call his dad his hero in interviews. 

I think about my cousin Jason who, when named Plante Moran's managing partner, thanked his mom, my Aunt Michele, in his speech. And I think about my friends, who still take annual vacations with their parents. This helps me realize that growing up doesn't have to mean growing apart. I'll always be part of my son's life, no matter how old he is. 

Monica's goal is to raise awareness about suicide and help erase the stigma associated with mental illness. In 2012, she won first place in News Enterprise Reporting by the Michigan Press Association for her series on suicide in the community, and in 2013, was named “Digital Innovator of the Year” by the Local Media Association. In 2019, she received the Ambassador Award from the suicide prevention nonprofit Six Feet Over. She started the blog Meant to Live to help others by sharing signs of depression, reasons to live, resources, suicide and bullying prevention groups, other people’s stories and memorials. She especially wants to show people that they are not alone.

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